To feel bad cms has put ex into poverty when I’m comfortable!

[Dramakwe33n]

Long story short. Have 2 DC’s 6 and 7. Broke up over 2 years ago due to years of emotional and financial abuse.

since then it has been thing after thing, inconsistent visits, lies, nasty behaviour, concerns with the state of his house and parenting and even a social services call from a more recent ex of his on him.

So, he has refused to pay any kind of child maintenance for the children and would refuse to even go halves on school shoes etc since the moment we broke up. I finally made a referral through cms after a year which led to wracking up debts when he had the option to pay of 2k. Since that point I changed over to the system where he has to pay straight out of his wages, which ontop of backdated pay is £300 and some change per month and he is working a slightly over minimum wage job.

contact has tapered down to a visit here and there of a couple of hours, due to his financial situation and ‘depression’ which I was pleased with as I did not feel that they were safe the entire weekend as it was unclean and the kids had told me that he would sleep until we’ll after midday and I have never declined visitation even though the kids find it actually rather distressing as he is all woe is me when he drops them off and especially for my eldest who is extremely emotional finds it difficult.

so he is now pleading poverty with me saying he doesn’t have enough money to live on, he can pay rent but cannot pay for anything else and is going through legal things to do with me???? whereas I am quite comfortable.. I work full time and the money that I recieve goes on days out and savings and recently he had gone on SSP due to his mental health and I notified him he had to let CMS know so that they could alter it and he just hasn’t so the full amount is still coming out. I have spent years being abused by this man but I still feel guilty that I am reaping the benefits whilst he is not AIBU?

Me me me me me.
That's really what his issue is.

He sees you and the children as his toys that he can pick up and drop off when ever.

Has he raised any concern about what they want/need/feel? They've had their home life turned upside down and left alone with a feckless father.

Don't worry if he's having a tough time. Adults tend to have tough days and being an adult, they've had plenty of practice on how to manage.

Your children's happiness and welfare is what everyone should be focused on.

Just keep repeating that he should talk to cms not you

My ex pleads poverty too, apparently driven entirely by having to pay maintenance. The smoking and time in the pub is obviously free 🙄. Meanwhile, I am financially comfortable because I have worked hard to advance my career and am careful with what I have.

Your ex created arrears by refusing to pay and still isn't following the process, to his detriment. He's a grown man, let him get on with it.

NOT your problem or responsibility !

You continue CMS.

CMS is designed by men so it can never put men the non-resident parent in poverty, only women and children. It's a pathetically tiny proportion of a man's income. Ignore him.

They’ll reduce his payments, normally to a very small amount.

YABU for feeling guilty.

None of this is your problem or your responsibility. You should stop engaging with him about anything other than contact. He is using the situation to continue to manipulate you. Don't let him. Time to grey rock.

No no no. Tough shit. He's paying the price for his financial abuse. Do not engage with him.

Aww, bless, he went off sick thinking that it would stop the deductions altogether, but he's FA and FO.

Oh, well <shrug>, he'll just have to go back to work.

He can't afford to eat because he's on SSP but he can't even be bothered to contact the CMS to let them know. He's lying or a Darwin Award winner.

Meh. Fuck him.

His problems are his, and by the sound of it, some of it at least is his own fault. Also, not to sound cynical but it’s astounding how many men with a history of being abusive to their partner go on to develop poor mental health when the ex moves on with her life and is managing just fine without him. My ex suffered terribly once he realised I wasn’t coming back and was doing great without him. He too struggled to pay his child support (apparently) and started laying on the guilt. I ignored him. He’s meant to notify CMS not me about that.

I knows it’s not nice that other people swallow the lies he tells them and then in turn have a go at you/tell you about it, but don’t let them get to you. They haven’t got a fucking clue what a loser he really is.

YABU. Fuck him. Not your problem.

Poor baby has to pay to support his children. The horror. Keep communication with him to a minimum and stop listening to his whining.

You realise he is manipulating you? He’s trying to make you feel bad because he’s an abuser.

The amount he has to pay is based on his income as well as factoring in the debt he owes you. This isn’t your problem.

He’s depressed because he doesn’t have anyone to abuse so he’s trying to pull you in. Don’t fall for it!! Your priority should be your children and putting money away in savings.

If he’s so poor he can find a better paying job.

Almost the same situation here.
It doesn't get paid.
The kids have contact 4 days a month.
Spends all the time telling the kids how poor he is 🎻🎻🎻 🙄

it's through CMS so it has been assessed based on what he earns. If he isn't managing the remainder of his income after child maintenance is deducted that is on him. Not you.