To expect a bit of help from parents

[PlumGoose]

Feeling a bit pissed off after years of me and my husband needing to support both my parents and his parents. Especially when so many of our friends have huge support from theirs!
For context we are a couple in our 30s and expecting our first child. We both value our independence and I’m proud to say we have done well for ourselves, have a nice life and have done it all without support. But wouldn’t it just be nice sometimes to have a bit of help from even one of them?!
Both my parents and my husbands are divorced and have been for a long time. His are semi retired, dad remarried and mum not. Mine are both retired, dad has medical issues and both single/widowed.
Its not even only that they don’t help us or have very very rarely done so (time, financial, decorating, gardening…etc) its that they all actually expect us to help them when we work full time and have our own life. Calling up asking us to go help do their gardens, decorating, lend money (in the case of my dad who never has any money and gets himself repeatedly into debt), pick up shopping on the way over, do online orders, give lifts (as my mum doesn’t drive) It varies between them but it’s often! Trying to set some boundaries and have explained we won’t be able to do as much when the baby comes which I don’t think has really sunk in…
Today our friend and next door neighbours parents are visiting, taking them out for lunch and helping them with their garden. Instead we’ve had a message asking if my husband can go over after work one night this week to help with some odd jobs at my husbands mums.
If nothing else it’s shown us both how we don’t want to be as parents, I do really hope we will be a help and support and not a hindrance to our children even when they’re grown up but am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hard done to about this whole situation?! Shouldn’t it be that the parents want to help out their kids even when grown up rather than just expecting the kids to help them?

Just because they’re your own elderly parents, doesn’t mean they’re not selfish pricks.

Once you've understood and accepted that, you will find it easier to expect nothing of them, and deal with them accordingly.

Help them when you can, and if you can’t, don’t sweat it.

Enjoy your life, you don’t need them anymore. Enjoy the Saturday!

I should perhaps have added that my husbands parents are both approaching 60 and mine are just turned 60 so none of them are elderly although you wouldn’t know it!
Have definitely come to terms more with this being the reality in the last few years but still irks me now and then especially when I see other parents being so helpful and genuinely wanting to be around rather than just expecting…

This is not reasonable.
Stop being available at all.
They are very far from old.

They all sound much older than their time and bar a disability or illness they shouldn't be leaning on you both so much at all.
Do either you or your husband have siblings to share the burden?

💐 OP. They’re awful. Nothing you can do about that - but you can say no, and should.

I secretly think some people get their high in life from taking out more than they put in. Tragic, but not as sad for them
as it is for the rest of us.

Maybe start tit for tatting?

"Yeah dad I'll be round at 2pm to help you decorate for a couple of hours no bother. Oh, by the way on Sunday morning could you help me with a bit of weeding please?"

That way they will realise that it's a favour for a favour and either stop asking or help you in return.

If they don't help you in return but still ask you to do stuff, then the next time they ask if just say "no dad I'm not using my time to help you decorate coz you never help me in return. I'm your daughter. Your supposed to help me. Why won't you, why do you always have excuses?"

Ball in their court. Their serve...

Well, you’re a volunteer, so can do as you like.

But, they’re not obligated to help you either.

Unless anyone has health issues, everyone needs to stand on their own two feet.🤷‍♀️

Eh I'm 50:50 on this one. I mean you are healthy and so-far child free adults in your 30s, so what help would you expect them to be giving you? I don't think most people would need help?

I wouldn't be giving money to a parent who is just bad with money - it will just disappear into a pit and not really help him anyway. But I wouldn't have a problem with picking up shopping if I were going over anyway, or your husband helping with odd jobs his mother can't do. Just decide what you feel is reasonable and don't be afraid to say no to the rest.

it's an interesting question, isn't it - who should be reasonably expected to help whom here, when you are all healthy adults? I didn't think my parents should be doing my gardening or decorating when I was in my 30s. But they didn't expect me to do the same for them.

i do quite a lot for one PIL/parent at present as they are ill, but the other 5 are totally independent

we are not the kind of family that would expect offer or feel comfortable with say MIL and StepFILA coming over to do the garden with or for us. That would be strange to me… but we meet up for lunch and hang out together etc as we get on well.

And if my StepDF was going to help us by fixing our sink/fitting a shower we’d pay him as it’s out of his usual patch and he’d miss his own work by helping us. But we’d prefer to get him to do it so we’d offer him and my mum dinner etc too.

I’d be inclined to start saying no - unless it’s health stuff - and reassert that you’ve got your own stuff to do and if they need help eg with garden they can pay for it.

We haven’t had any support from either sets of parents. It’s hard and I really feel your pain.

It bloody hurts when my workmates tell me their parents are taking kids swimming, or that when they got home and their dad had tidied and weeded their front lawn.

However this has made us stronger and more resilient. It’s time to put some boundaries in place.

That's so tough OP, they sound incredibly selfish. I know I'm very fortunate but my parents and in-laws did (and still do) so much for us. We help them out as well but it's very much reciprocal. They're in their late 70s/early 80s now but still babysit, take dd out, take us all out for dinner etc. Just help out wherever they can to make our lives eadier when it gets hectic. I think once the baby comes you will just have to say no if it gets too much.

My parents never did my garden. I never did theirs. It's what they saved for, to buy in help as needed and let each other live our own lives.
If we all pay for the help we need and keep boundaries clear we all know where we stand.

Me and DH are immigrants, and we are expected to fly over 3,000+ miles to redecorate, weed allotments, etc for our parents. Because that is what "children do". We don't do that, and therefore, we are the worst children ever, and God's punishment onto their heads. Sending over the money for them to hire movers/decorators/handymen does not count as help at all, as it is "attention (labour....) that counts"! Needless to say, we have never seen (or expected) any help from our parents over here. When I hear from my friends that their parents are paying their house deposits, childcare bills or swimming lessons, I can only describe it as "emotional damage" (Steven He comedian on YouTube) 😂

Both sets of parents are only in their 60s?! They're still young! You have another 30 years of this! Decide on your boundaries and stick to it. I have the same with my parents, one passed on. I only have my father now and he's in his 80s now. So I know how you feel.

I've told DD that I no longer have physical capacity to help when her baby arrives. I'm in my 70s.

Blimey you will have to start finding ways to reduce the stuff you are doing for them. There is no reason you can't pick the odd thing up feom the shops if you are going etc but all the other stuff no way.
You need to just give excuses each time, until they get the message.
No sorry I am working some overtime. No sorry we have so much gardening to do today. No sorry I have a terrible migraine. Etc etc.
I am sorry they seem very selfish. My Df who's on his own at 84 hardly asks for any favours or help I have to force them on him!. I can understand how hurtful it must feel.
Especially with a baby on the way you may as well start as you mean to go on.

This is interesting to me.

I've got wonderful parents and they have always said they do so much for me and my brother's, etc etc.

I've honestly been shocked since I've had a baby. My daughter is 18 months now but in her first year my mum basically refused to come help because she "couldn't face" the hour and a half drive to mine to see the baby.

When we went to visit them, she wouldn't help me with a single night with the baby - even after two weeks of no sleep and me crying to her and her declaring "don't worry!!!! I'll help you so much while you're here so you can have a break". I was still crying with exhaustion when I was there.

She also promised to do childcare while I'm at work - she's promised so many times. And cried that she never gets to see DD. But then when I try to get her to do a day of childcare she makes excuses and says I'm being difficult.

I don't know what the answer is... It's just surprising when you realise that actually your parents don't want to do anything that puts them out.

Wait, so yours have only just turned 60, his are not yet 60, and they've been leaning on you to help them for years? Why? Are they not normal capable people of working age? Do they think you should be doing their household tasks just because you're younger and fitter? What do they think people with no kids do?

They're not old or disabled and they could look after their own households when you were younger, so they still can. They're just taking advantage of your willingness to be their unpaid servants.

I just can't understand how people can be like this instead of living their own lives and letting their adult sons and daughters get on with theirs. DH and I are in our mid 60s, working, and looking after our house and garden like most adults. I can't imagine summoning our adult children to do jobs for me that I'm capable of doing myself.

That’s really not relevant to the OP though. And presumably you’d help in other ways such as you were able to?

@PlumGoose it’s time to practice a new language. I’ll start you with a commonly used phrase, ‘oh I’m sorry to hear that. I’m busy/ unavailable but I hope you get it sorted out.’

In this language you do NOT make suggestions or offer a compromise or in any way take on their problems.

Certainly no bailing out a man who repeatedly gets into debt. That money is for you and your baby so it’s not available. Helping in the past hasn’t prevented the same situation arising again.

In the meantime can you pop round and fix my tap which is dripping? 😉

I feel sad when I read post like this
I do loads for my son and his partner and don’t think anything of it .

They just bought a house and my DH ( my son’s stepdad since he was 4 years old ) has spent several days painting the house with them . He happily offered to do this

He put the tv and mirrors and beds up with their help and will often do little bits of DIY if they need something done .
But he will expect one of them to help him if it’s a big job 😂

In fact my DH spends more time helping them than
I do 😂

I gave my son a huge deposit and pretty much most of the stuff in the house I gave them the money to buy .

They both work full time and if they are having stuff delivered or when they had stuff installed we are happy to pop up and wait in for it if they want us to

They live less than 10mins drive away and I don’t have a key but my DH has although we never go up uninvited
My DH has his electric car charger installed on the driveway so he normally pops up twice a week but he often leaves the car there and walks back with the dog

My sons partners parents helped them move in and they paid the solicitors fees and his father is paying for a new logburner to be installed as the one they have is condemned

They live about an hour away so can’t do as much as we can as we live closer but I’m sure if they lived closer they would do just as much

I agree with you OP. My parents had so much help when we were kids. We are at either grandparents or Auntie/Uncle's houses for weekends etc when we were kids. We have nothing. No one bit of support. That's from both side of the family. It sucks.

I think also I had huge amounts of help from my mum
& dad
my mum & dad were always available for babysitting and general help so to me it just seems a normal thing to do

I agree with this.

Before I had kids I’d say I helped my parents with stuff like decorating or gardening more than they helped me. We were young and fit and a willing pair of hands. I’d think nothing of picking up some stuff or errands if it helped. Once I had kids, and they were retired, it flipped to them helping us more when the DC were small. Now it’s heading back the other way again as parents age.

Having divorced parents also is harder than if parents are together still. You’re dealing with 4 separate time commitments to other households Vs 2 if parents & ILs are still together. It’s fairly understandable that each person doesn’t see what they’re asking as a big deal, but times 4 it adds up to a lot of your time. So you need to establish your own boundaries, not rely on them all behaving differently. And ask for help from them too if you want it.

They are only late 50s/60! God Lord most people are still working full time and doing their own grunt work.
They sound very lazy.
I would use the phrases other posters have suggested to stop doing the work for them.