To expect a bit of help from parents

[PlumGoose]

Feeling a bit pissed off after years of me and my husband needing to support both my parents and his parents. Especially when so many of our friends have huge support from theirs!
For context we are a couple in our 30s and expecting our first child. We both value our independence and I’m proud to say we have done well for ourselves, have a nice life and have done it all without support. But wouldn’t it just be nice sometimes to have a bit of help from even one of them?!
Both my parents and my husbands are divorced and have been for a long time. His are semi retired, dad remarried and mum not. Mine are both retired, dad has medical issues and both single/widowed.
Its not even only that they don’t help us or have very very rarely done so (time, financial, decorating, gardening…etc) its that they all actually expect us to help them when we work full time and have our own life. Calling up asking us to go help do their gardens, decorating, lend money (in the case of my dad who never has any money and gets himself repeatedly into debt), pick up shopping on the way over, do online orders, give lifts (as my mum doesn’t drive) It varies between them but it’s often! Trying to set some boundaries and have explained we won’t be able to do as much when the baby comes which I don’t think has really sunk in…
Today our friend and next door neighbours parents are visiting, taking them out for lunch and helping them with their garden. Instead we’ve had a message asking if my husband can go over after work one night this week to help with some odd jobs at my husbands mums.
If nothing else it’s shown us both how we don’t want to be as parents, I do really hope we will be a help and support and not a hindrance to our children even when they’re grown up but am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hard done to about this whole situation?! Shouldn’t it be that the parents want to help out their kids even when grown up rather than just expecting the kids to help them?

Are they genuinely in poor health or just lazy? They sound incredibly needy for people not yet in their 60s. DH & I are mid 60s and yes, we do help our one remaining parent ... in her 90s ... but she is very grateful and appreciative of the help we give ... which is on our terms and only when it is mutually convenient.

DH & I and DS's girlfriend’s parents have helped a little with their house deposit and are helping them move in soon - between us we’ll be van hiring, moving furniture, reassembling his bed, helping to decorate and garden. Our DP did similar - minus the deposit help- 30 years ago.

I’m almost your DPs’ age - I can’t believe they’re expecting you to do this. Now you’re pregnant this is a great opportunity to reset your relationships with them.

Oh I hear ya, we have zero help and it's bloody hard going at times. I've got many friends who's parents do all childcare, turn up every morning to dress their children because they can't do it whilst trying to get themselves ready for work, come and do their housework whilst at work including oven cleans, gardening, making meals for their freezer, all their washing and doing their shopping for them - there is no doubt more that I've missed. It used to upset me but now I just let it go over my head as fed up wasting time and energy over it. If you can afford to hire some hired help as it'll be a game changer when baby is here and one less thing to try and do yourselves.

My parents haven't done shit for me and my husband. One time my mother and sister drove 3.5 hours to 'help me' with my medically fragile baby but mom changed her mind and said 'Sorry, dear, but since I'm away from your father I'm going to enjoy myself!' She went to the mall didn't see her for hours. Very little help other than staying home with baby so I could run to grocery store about 25 minutes max. MIL came to stay and help after son age six was having major surgery and expected to be in hospital for ten days. She left the night after he had his surgery, still in intensive care because she 'was worried how my sister in law (her daughter) and son in law 'were going to cope sharing a vehicle while she was here!' Needless to say I don't think you're unreasonable and their learned helplessness is ridiculous.

They just sound very selfish, a bit demanding & totally lacking in awareness!

(I was very very lucky - my dad fixed everything in our house, cooked incredible Chinese food for us (he was Chinese) ironed loads - obviously he was an exception - but he was still doing this until weeks before he passed at 89(miss him terribly) & mum, who's in hee 80's was also incredible & still helps with ironing/bits & pieces - sorry, waffling on - but any chance to talk about my parents x)

My own parents are dead op but would have been helpful I'm sure. All my friends parents are. My dh just has his mum...in the twenty odd years I've known him I've never seen her do anything for him...he goes round regularly to do DIY and gardening. I actually find it really upsetting

It’s so interesting to see such a variety of situations thanks everyone for replying. Those of you with help and support are so lucky please appreciate it haha!
I do have a sibling but they live abroad and very rarely home so can’t help. They do tell me to just say no but then I feel a bit guilty so I think I’m the one with the problem!

If your parents are this demanding of you now, whilst in their prime, the future will be very bleak.
Stop being available.
Focus on getting your house in tip top condition because hanging a simple shelf can feel like a big job once a baby arrives!

Should really be based on needs and abilities. Yes sure parents will help when you're still young and they are adults, more capable, financially better off. And in turn, you will help them when they are older and can no longer manage. But I would expect that there is a time where both you and parents are healthy functioning adults and everybody can generally manage their own life independently.

Jeepers! I thought you were going to say they are 80!

I'm your parents age OP and I've spent the last week doing 10 hour days building a wall in my garden.

They aren't elderly, they are taking advantage.
You can only live your own life and they should be responsible for theirs.
If they can't manage the day to day affairs of their own life they need to build systems now that will work for them as they age.

Unless you set boundaries now you could be sacrificing your own energy, time and peace of mind for them until you're in your 70s.