Trying for a 4th child . Tw- termination and mc

[Scorpion84]

This is a long one ....

My husband and I have 3 children together one each from previous relationship aged 13 and 11 and our child together who is nearly 2 who was conceived after 3 years of recurrent miscarriage hell and 6 pregnancy losses

On top of all this in 2021 my husband was diagnosed with a very rare form
Of cancer which turns out was and missed back in 2017.

We currently have a medical negligence case in process at the moment

My husband thankfully recovered well and has yearly ct scans to check for recurrence , this summer will be his 3rd surveillance scan which im already anxious about .

Now I'll get to the point . I feel broody for another baby . I'm 40 this year and my husband is mid forties

We had an accidental pregnancy back in sept last year and after much soul searching I had a termination at 5 weeks purely down to financial reasons , we got into debt whilst I was on maternity leave , we didn't have a big enough car and ultimately it just was the worst time . I felt very guilty especially considering I have had 6 miscarriages.

That baby would have been due to is month which is definitely on my mind .

We have discussed another child , my husband is very much I would say on the fence but it's a very 'never say never person

He has said he would Ttc again if our finances were better '

I Feel maybe I want another to replace the baby I terminated and if would be nice to for my daughter to have a sibling closer in age as we have massive age gaps . Our children from previous relationships are with us 50 percent of the time so we have 3 children but half the times it's just me , my husband and our child together so although a 4th would be a lot , half the time we would only have 2 children in the house .

Our elder children are great with our little
One but ultimately they are getting older and at some point won't want to come on days out / holidays etc

Or maybe hormones as I'm approaching 40? Do I want another child ? Or do I want my 2 children as baby's again if that makes sense?

It also feels like madness to Ttc again after the hell we went through to conceive our daughter. When I was pregnant with her I felt so relieved to be able to close the Ttc chapter forever , but I don't have the 'done ' feeling my friends talk off .

There's no saying we would be successful , in fact due to our history the odd seems very much stacked against us . I conceive easily but tend to miscarry around the 6 week mark .

No definitive cause was ever found for my losses but my gut tells me it was age and my daughter was a random 'golden egg'

We don't have enough bedrooms and car but if my husband's claim is settled our financial issues will be over but we don't know when this will be resolved .

There's also the issue of my husband's health . Sadly his type of cancer has high recurrence rate so that is also hanging over us and always will be .

Any advice would be appreciated.

Wwyd in this situation?

Honestly, with your husband's cancer and everything else, I would just stick with the children you have. Surely adding another child would massively increase stress.

What if the worst happened and the cancer came back?

In your position I wouldn’t have another. I’d be too concerned your husband’s cancer would come back And your oldest children have already had a lot of upheaval and upset.

I wouldn't

Sometimes you just gotta know when the door is closed ,now .💐

Well you can't afford a baby now and you couldn't afford one previously - hence the termination.

So, if the case is successful and if there is a payout

that is when you can discuss it.

However if the cancer returns

that potential may be needed / used for any loss of his wages whilst having treatment ?

or if he is unable to work.

or worse case scenario, dies

how will you manage if he is not around ?

You said it would be madness and I agree it would be You e got so much going on In your life why add more stress if a new baby in the mix. You wouldn't be being fair on the children you already have. Being overcrowded etc it's just irresponsible to continue having g children. Your husband could become ill is that fair on the child ? Focus on the kids you have. You're also pushing 40 so the risk of having a child with a disability is greater. Some people just dig their heels in when they think they can't have something. I think this is what's happening with you.

I think any settlement your husband gets for his mis diagnosis would be better spent on securing something for your existing childrens future rather than paying for a new child, a new car and an extra bedroom.

All of you have clearly been through a huge amount of emotional and physical turmoil during the last few years, it must have been so stressful and distressing for the whole family. I also think you personally, though probably your husband too, are still mourning the miscarriages and the abortion and I believe you do need to try to let yourself grieve properly for your losses then put those sad times behind you and concentrate on what you have, which is three strong healthy children and a husband who, at the moment and hopefully for a very long time, is recovering and gaining back his bodily autonomy.

I think the last thing you should be doing is hoping and thinking that a baby will either replace any of the babies you have lost, or promote emotional healing for you, that is a huge burden to place on any baby, and on you.

Take care of yourself , and your family.

I really honestly wouldn't, at least without grieving properly for the pregnancy you terminated (understandably so). It's possible you are broody out of grief and guilt, so you may well feel differently after allowing yourself to grieve.

Is the situation really much different now just six months on?

Please be aware that while it's unlikely, the risk of a child being disabled is higher, and I wouldn't wish the stress of that on anyone, never mind with your husband's cancer remaining a lifelong risk.

I agree with the PP who’ve said it doesn’t seem like the right time financially or emotionally.

I also wanted to add that NHS compensation payouts can take a very long time and may not resolve all the while the full consequences of the late diagnosis are still playing out. I know somebody who has been going through the compensation process for over a decade and no sign of a payout yet as his condition is still evolving and his needs continue to change. No interim payments either.

Given your miscarriage rate is high, your eggs are old, your husband has higher odds of not living to old age, and financially he has said you cannot afford it, this feels very much a want from the heart rather than a sensible decision from the head.

What would you do if your husband’s cancer comes back and you can’t care for him because you have a high risk pregnancy, a newborn, or child with additional needs (which given your age is more likely)? Does he have life insurance to look after you all if he dies (as presumably a significant amount would go towards his existing children)? What are you financial and practical plans to bring up your children as a solo parent on the worst case scenario? Can you honestly factor a baby (which may involve an uncomplicated pregnancy and healthy child or it could be the opposite)?

I can understand the overwhelming need to have another child (I had it after my daughter died) but make sure you aren’t so focused on that you will neglect everyone else around you. I wish you the best as it’s a horrible urge to overcome if for whatever reason you can’t or don’t go on to have another child.

In your shoes I wouldn't have another child. If your husband becomes ill again things will be difficult, even more so if the child has additional needs. Do you have a dog? I had one child later in life followed by two miscarriages and getting a dog really helped as it gave me an outlet for my 'not quite done with having babies' feelings and a fantastic companion for my child. I absolutely didn't want a dog, DP ignored me and just came home with a puppy tucked in his coat and it is honestly the best thing anyone has ever done for me!

I just feel like the decision is based on so much out of my control and feels unfair

like cancer and miscarriages are taking my choice away ?

I do feel envious of people with small age gaps / and I still have ugly feelings towards pregnant women even though I made it to the other side and I've had my 'rainbow baby '

finances wise we are Better now as I've been back at work a year in August . I still have credit card debt which I'm chipping away at .

but there is no money for a bigger car loft extension.

I feel I do have a lot of grief inside me and this post is purely because I want people to talk me down . If that makes sense .

💐

How about some therapy to help process your grief over the termination? Maybe a good idea to deal with the grief from that first before entering into another pregnancy, and potentially further losses.

Therapy could help you process this.

I do understand how it feels like a lot of things are out of your control but what can help you manage that is appreciating what you do have. Having just one healthy non-disabled child is something that has been denied to many people.

Life stinks sometimes . it's difficult when you really long for something and it feels like life is against you.

Therapy really can help you grieve for what could have been and make the right decision for you and your family now.

I second the recommendation of therapy.

Your financial situation isn’t good and you don’t have room for the child to live or a way of transporting an additional child. One of the parents is ill. These are not circumstances in which it is fair to bring a child into. You’re thinking only of yourself and not what a child needs and deserves.

I understand life handing you horrible blows - I nearly died at 32 due to medical negligence and to save my life they had to take out all my reproductive organs. I have no children and will never have them. Seeing pregnant women hurts me (and I work with a highly unusual number of women who’ve had 3+ so are pretty much always pregnant). But that’s the life I was given and I have to live with it.

Focus on supporting your existing family rather than hypotheticals.

100% no. I don’t see any reason to have one. Your DH may become unwell again. You said you couldn’t manage financially. What if you have more mc’s and heart break?

Massively unreasonable

You don’t have the money
You have had many miscarriages (which will have taken their toll on your body, MH and family who need you healthy
Your husband is not a well man and could get very ill again
You have a family already

Thank you for all your replies

just like to clarify re my husband , as it stands he is healthy , to look at him you would never know he had cancer and is working full time as a police officer .

the cancer he had was very rare appendix cancer with a very long name but is mostly known as pmp.

he has been 2 years ned , will find out this summer if the ct scan is clear again.

it is a ridiculously rare cancer , generally very slow growing and unable to spread through the body as his was low grade . Conventional chemo doesn't work for this reason so he had a massive operation 12 hours plus and chemo liquid was applied directly into his abdomen. He had a temporary stoma for 6 months and lost 20 percent of his bowel as it was too diseased to save .

his appendix was removed on 2017 and this is when the tumour was missed meaning it grew inside him for 4 years before it was discovered when my husband resorted to going privately for the pain he was experiencing

if it returns it will likely be small , some people have further operations some are placed on 'watch and wait ' with further scans to monitor growth .

I know I must seem mad to consider another child , I just feel sad my daughter will kind of be like an only child at some points as there are 9 and 11 years between her and siblings , luckily she has my nephew who is only 5 months older than her so I'm hoping they will have a good bond.

Get some therapy.
Having a child simply because you can or are annoyed at pregnant women is not a great idea.
It's not fair to your existing kids or the child, who ultimately isn't just wanted for their own sake.
Also it's stressful having a baby. Haven't you got enough going on?

@JacketPotatoFoodOfTheGods to clarify I don't want another child simply I can ( realistically I probably can't as I am a recurrent miscarrier) also getting pregnant and bringing a living child home are two separate things

I've been pregnant 9 times , I have two children .

nor do I want another child because I feel jealous of pregnant women

I would always have liked 3 children but I know life doesn't always work out the way you want it to hence the details in my post .

@Scorpion84 Only children can be really happy!
Anyway, she’s not an only child, she has siblings.