Trying for a 4th child . Tw- termination and mc

[Scorpion84]

This is a long one ....

My husband and I have 3 children together one each from previous relationship aged 13 and 11 and our child together who is nearly 2 who was conceived after 3 years of recurrent miscarriage hell and 6 pregnancy losses

On top of all this in 2021 my husband was diagnosed with a very rare form
Of cancer which turns out was and missed back in 2017.

We currently have a medical negligence case in process at the moment

My husband thankfully recovered well and has yearly ct scans to check for recurrence , this summer will be his 3rd surveillance scan which im already anxious about .

Now I'll get to the point . I feel broody for another baby . I'm 40 this year and my husband is mid forties

We had an accidental pregnancy back in sept last year and after much soul searching I had a termination at 5 weeks purely down to financial reasons , we got into debt whilst I was on maternity leave , we didn't have a big enough car and ultimately it just was the worst time . I felt very guilty especially considering I have had 6 miscarriages.

That baby would have been due to is month which is definitely on my mind .

We have discussed another child , my husband is very much I would say on the fence but it's a very 'never say never person

He has said he would Ttc again if our finances were better '

I Feel maybe I want another to replace the baby I terminated and if would be nice to for my daughter to have a sibling closer in age as we have massive age gaps . Our children from previous relationships are with us 50 percent of the time so we have 3 children but half the times it's just me , my husband and our child together so although a 4th would be a lot , half the time we would only have 2 children in the house .

Our elder children are great with our little
One but ultimately they are getting older and at some point won't want to come on days out / holidays etc

Or maybe hormones as I'm approaching 40? Do I want another child ? Or do I want my 2 children as baby's again if that makes sense?

It also feels like madness to Ttc again after the hell we went through to conceive our daughter. When I was pregnant with her I felt so relieved to be able to close the Ttc chapter forever , but I don't have the 'done ' feeling my friends talk off .

There's no saying we would be successful , in fact due to our history the odd seems very much stacked against us . I conceive easily but tend to miscarry around the 6 week mark .

No definitive cause was ever found for my losses but my gut tells me it was age and my daughter was a random 'golden egg'

We don't have enough bedrooms and car but if my husband's claim is settled our financial issues will be over but we don't know when this will be resolved .

There's also the issue of my husband's health . Sadly his type of cancer has high recurrence rate so that is also hanging over us and always will be .

Any advice would be appreciated.

Wwyd in this situation?

I have cancer myself & there’s no way I would have another child in this scenario. You roll the dice when you decide to have a baby & you already have a lot to deal with. I think it’s also helpful to acknowledge that life simply isn’t fair & we don’t always get everything we want in life. Just because we think we should be entitled to something doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. Also there’s really no problem with your youngest not having siblings close in age.

Between you though you have three. Concentrate on giving These 3 the best in life and your husband healthy. Move on and accept what you have your youngest won't be an only child I think your clutching at straws there tbh !

I think you need the settlement to secure your family's future. I would not do it. I realise that is tough though, I cannot quite close the door myself.

I don't feel like I can make this decision purely on cancer coming back as it may never come back . I don't have a crystal ball unfortunately.

cancer already takes so much so I wouldn't want it to stop us doing what we want with our lives .

we both said back in sep that if our finances were good we would never of considered a termination.

have your money situation improved considerably in the last 6 months

enough to afford another child for the next 18 / 20 etc. years

and that is without needing a bigger car / loft conversion

Focus on your three healthy children. Think about the quality of your family life together. Don't go for another one, it may not work out well, and that would be more heartache. I agree that therapy to process the termination may help.

I'm sorry to hear about your losses.

From an outside perspective, it does seem like you're trying to reclaim some of the things you have lost and are grieving for, which is understandable.

However with your age and history, unfortunately I think you could find trying for another could well add to your heartache (more losses, infertility, disability etc).

And it sounds like you're pinning all hopes on a financial settlement from the NHS. I know this isn't what this thread is about, but I think you need to be very realistic here - it's incredibly difficult (ie pretty much impossible) to get a settlement from the NHS, and even if you did I doubt it would go very far. Especially if, as you say, it was an incredibly rare cancer, it was low grade and unlikely to spread and he has now been treated and doing well. My personal (layman's) view is that on these factors alone it's incredibly unlikely to succeed. My DF had a similar low grade lesion missed on a scan for years and ultimately had to have major lung surgery, but ultimately he did and it was successfully treated. It didn't occur to him to make a claim, for those reasons.

I wish you well but think you should focus on what you have right now, and would also recommend some therapy to try and resolve what is really going on here.

@VeniceVentura no it's not really about the claim, however the nhs have admitted liability, for missing the cancer we have also had one interim payment so far last month which we used to clear a loan

the claim is very complicated so I'm not going to explain it all in this post .

the payment won't be life changing as in paying out mortgage off but the solicitors except to be around the 100k mark .

ultimately money isn't everything and id rather none of this had ever happened

the fact his cancer was missed could affect his life expectancy if it returns . The only way the cancer was detected was through my husband going private after being fobbed off by his gp.

It really doesn't matter what we all think. It is what you want to do.

In your shoes, I'd definitely consider it.

I'd make your plans without figuring in money from the NHS. If you can afford a fourth child, go for it, if not then you will need to re-think. Just make sure your dh is onboard.

You had a termination because your car was not big enough and you didn’t have enough bedrooms?
Surely you have answered your own question.

Without enough bedrooms isn’t there a risk that you have another child but risk distancing one of the older ones who may start to spend more time with the other parent if they feel there’s not enough space or attention for them?

I of I were you there’s absolutely no way I’d have another child. I’d be taking proactive steps to prevent it!

Why on earth have a termination if you wanted another child? Very few people have 'enough' money when they have children. Should have gone ahead!

Absolutely this op. Time to concentrate on your OH and the kids you have? They, and you, have been through a lot. And maybe think about counselling? There may by some guilt talking due to having a purely financially based (by your own admission) termination?

Only you can decide what's right for you and your family. But it does sound like you've got a lot on your plate as it is. I think I'd be happy to stick at 3 kids between you and enjoy your little one who is still a baby really!

@Scorpion84 I was widowed unexpectedly when my daughter was 2, we were planning 2-3 children and having to accept that I won't have any more children (I'm 40+ now) was one of the hardest secondary losses. I absolutely relate to your feeling that it's been taken away from you unfairly. It is really unfair. That's how I felt for a long time and I even looked quite seriously at having another alone with a donor etc. But ultimately it's something I have had to come to terms with, with the help of counselling. Kindly, I think you should do the same. It's not a great idea to have another child in the circumstances you describe, just as having a child by a donor was a bad idea for me in hindsight, a reaction to the grief and loss I'd suffered.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do as it is an intensely personal decision. One thing I would say is that having another baby will not necessarily take the sadness and regret of the termination away. So that's something to factor in.

This. It’s never the right time and it doesn’t sound like much has changed since the abortion. I quite badly want a 3rd child, husband has said no way, our finances are ok but another child would push us over the limit so that’s that

To clarify when the accidental
pregnancy last sep , I had just gone back to work and was up to my eyes in overdraft and credit card debt

the idea that ' you will manage somehow ' is very simplistic and actually no we wouldn't manage . I can't afford not to work part time my moms helps with childcare when mine and my husbands shifts clash

without my wages we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage so adding another child back In sep last year felt impossible to us .

we can't afford childcare ( but we hopefully will get 15 hours free this sep )

No way of affording a bigger car

our financial situation is better now , I'm not in my overdraft , we have used an inertim payment from the nhs to clear a loan .

back in sep we had no idea we would be able to get an interim payment

If this were me then taking everything into account then no I wouldn’t. Yes it may feel unfair choices are very taken from you because of other factors but that’s just life.

Kindly, I think you would be making a huge mistake to have another. These aren’t the best circumstances to bring a child in to are they? Put it down to feeling broody and move on.

What would happen OP if you went ahead and then had a child with additional needs also? I don’t think your family can take the stress of that either

With these kinds of dilemmas I think it's always helpful to write a list of pros and cons to help you decide. But from what you've said, you've got a huge list of cons and only one pro (you want one, although your DH is on the fence).

TBH, given your age, and given the experience of me and many women I know, 40 is a bit of a headfuck when it comes to babies, because you know at some deep, evolutionary level, that it's really now or never and I think there is this biological urge for many people to roll that dice one more time! Given your situation though with finances, car, house, etc it just isn't practical. And then there's your history of multiple miscarriages - how will you feel if that's what happens again and you still don't have another baby?

Get some therapy if you feel you need it and it would help you to process the grief you have over getting a termination, but having terminated only last October it's bonkers to be thinking of TTC again now. It's less than a year later. What's changed in that time? Nothing, by the sound of it.

OP - my husband had pmp some years ago. He was unwell, rushed into hospital, had assorted tests the next day and had a major operation the next. The surgeon recognised it as a rare cancer but it wasn't confirmed till samples had been analysed. So we didn't know what he'd had till he didn't have it. He was fortunate in that the operation removed everything and he needed no subsequent treatment. He's fine now, although his innards tend to be a bit erratic at times and he has to be careful with his diet. He's 81, by the way.
So good luck to you all!