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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS meeting a girl

71 replies

StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 06:40

My DS (14, nearly 15) has been talking to a girl om Snapchat for around a week and they want to meet up.

He doesn't know her in person, she is from a city around 45 mins away on public transport.

He has seen pictures and had voice notes from her and in his words, he knows "she's not a 75 year old paedo".

He only announced this trip yesterday and I assumed he was going with his friends as he has done before. He is now saying none of his friends are free and wants to go alone.

Am I being overly paranoid to tell him he can only go if they are meeting in a group and he takes at least one friend?

DS is mature, sensible and very importantly quite open with me. I don't often have to say no to him and although my first instinct was not to let him go, I'm now wondering if I should.

He has promised to message me every hour with his pinned location, and the obvious caveat is that they will meet in the main train station and not leave the city centre.

I was never open with my parents at his age and I don't want to encourage secrecy by being too strict.

AIBU to let him go?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 01/06/2024 06:41

Can you go and be at a different table in the same place?

Original poster
StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 06:50

bridgetreilly · 01/06/2024 06:41

Can you go and be at a different table in the same place?

I'd rather not.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 01/06/2024 06:53

In that case, I wouldn’t let him go. A week is a very short time for an online friendship to be a fraud. They can wait a while and get to know each other a bit first. Then meet in a group.

IhaveaBigBum · 01/06/2024 06:56

Can they do a video call first to verify each other?

Cookiecrumblepie · 01/06/2024 07:26

StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 06:50

I'd rather not.

Show quote history

I think you have to. Sounds very dangerous to me. A child meeting in person a random stranger off the internet? No matter how mature he is there is huge risk. Is it worth it? Suck it up and go with him. You won’t be able to live with yourself if something happens that you could easily have prevented.

wickerlady · 01/06/2024 07:40

Eeesh, I'm not sure about this one.

I think the likely outcome will be that it's innocent but in this world you never know.

Could you suggest dropping him off, you can then verify the person, say hello and drive off happy?

BabySnarkDoDoo · 01/06/2024 07:46

I think drop him off to make sure she's who she says she is. If she's a 14 year old girl he shouldn't need a chaperone for the whole day if they're staying in public and can make his own way home.

Godesstobe · 01/06/2024 07:50

Google Breck Bednar.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 01/06/2024 07:53

I wouldn’t let him go.
DBIL ended up cornered by a much older predatory male in very similar circumstances, and he was convinced he knew it was a safe person.
he was 15 and only got out as MIL was suspicious and followed him.

VashtaNerada · 01/06/2024 07:54

I think this is risky. I’ve heard of people doing this and then the teenager’s ‘dad’ arrives and offers to give them a lift but it turns out it was the ‘dad’ they were speaking to the whole time. He needs to know the worse case scenarios and you would have to trust him 100% to make sensible decisions. I wouldn’t trust my DD in this situation tbh.

CharlotteBog · 01/06/2024 07:56

No.
As PP says, there needs to be a video call first.
Do the girls parents know she's meeting a boy she's met online?
They are still very young. Maybe ask to speak to her parents.
Is he attracted to her?

MrsMonzo · 01/06/2024 08:00

In your situation I'd be going and sitting at a different table so I could see that he was meeting the person he believes he is. And if my DD said no then she wouldn't be allowed to go.

Pottedpalm · 01/06/2024 08:01

Oh such a tricky one! If you say no he may well not tell you next time. Maybe explain your concerns and show him what has happened to other people in these circumstances to illustrate why you can’t just let him go. Hopefully the 14 year old girl’s parents have concerns…. or maybe they don’t know ☹️

PatternedLlama · 01/06/2024 08:07

As part of my safeguarding training we were told by the person presenting that in our local shopping centre there are teenage boys who befriend teenage girls. Then these girls get introduced to the teenage boy's male "friend" who is usually in their early 20s and looking to groom some girl with gifts, rides in their car. The teenage boy is also bought off with computer games and clothing.

Knowing that this sort of thing goes on under our noses would you really want to risk your child meeting some random "girl" who he has been speaking to for a week? Absolutely not without an adult being present close by.

Filters on snapchat/tiktok are terrifying at completely changing you, making you look like a teen, did you miss that trend? Voices can also be changed with voice apps. Look this could be a teenage girl but 1 week is way too soon and the world is at times a terrifying place.

Genevieva · 01/06/2024 08:10

A good way of talking to him about this is to discuss risk probability verses risk level.

The risk probability that the girl is actually an abductor is small, but if that did turn out to be the case, the risk to his well being is very severe. Therefore, it doesn’t matter how unlikely it is, he needs to take precautions against it. Not even going with a friend would be sufficient. You need to go. You need to meet her and see for yourself that she looks and sounds the same as in their communications. Once this has been established, you can give them an hour to go to a nearby coffee shop. If he is responsible, he will suggest her family do the same.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 01/06/2024 08:15

I know it can all be faked now anyway with AI, but I do find it odd how they haven’t at least video called before meeting up? Why hasn’t she suggested it? I would insist if I was him.

mumofthree22 · 01/06/2024 08:16

I would definitely not let him go on his own. Re either reschedules when his friend is available or you accompany him and ask him to meet her in a cafe with a window table and then you walk pass a few times while the 2 meet so you can verify it’s a young girl and nothing else.

LemonCitron · 01/06/2024 08:20

I have a sensible DS the same age as yours OP, and I am usually quite a chilled parent, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with this. Keep talking to your DS about possible compromises so that he understands you are genuinely worried and not just saying no for the sake of it.

SurelySmartie · 01/06/2024 08:21

They need to video call before even thinking any more about this.

How do they know each other? Was it some random group or person on Snapchat?

Original poster
StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 08:24

I trust him to be sensible and safe e.g. I don't think he would go off with someone posing as her dad/ uncle etc. but I understand that there are other situations he could end up in that aren't immediately obviously unsafe e.g. she persuades him to go off somewhere and he ends up getting hurt by her or other people she knows.

I can't drive him, and even I see from a distance that she is a 14yo girl and not somebody else, doesn't mean that she is trustworthy. Not sure how I could speak to her parents - we obviously don't know them? I could ask DS for her parents number, but again that could be anyone.

My instinct is to let him go as long as he is with friends - I know his friends parents and can make sure he is with who he says he is with, and I think this is actually safer than me seeing her from a distance and then letting them go off alone.

I'm still not sure but I don't think chaperoning him is right.

OP posts:
clockdoc · 01/06/2024 08:27

I'd rather not.

If you don't go, he doesn't go. He is 14. You need to take control here and if you are unwilling to facilitate a meet and ensure his safety, then he should not be allowed to go. It's a basic rule of internet. Do not meet strangers. Do not trust anyone. And that's for adults, not children with underdeveloped brains who are just learning how to navigate this kind of thing.

Do not allow him to do this alone. You may never see him again.

Original poster
StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 08:27

Thank you for all your replies btw. I am a lone parent so don't really have anyone else to sound out with this.

OP posts:
ferryboatscrubcaps · 01/06/2024 08:31

They need to video call before meeting.

And he needs someone with him, either you or another adult.

Could she come to your town to make it easier.?

But no based on info given I wouldn't let him go

Original poster
StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 08:36

ferryboatscrubcaps · 01/06/2024 08:31

They need to video call before meeting.

And he needs someone with him, either you or another adult.

Could she come to your town to make it easier.?

But no based on info given I wouldn't let him go

I don't think it's fair or safe to ask a young girl to come here, to a town she doesn't know for the same reasons I'm not keen on DS going there - but at least he knows the city has been there before with friends etc.

There is a large shopping centre on the edge of the city, I wonder if it might be better for them to meet there? I can take him, see her and if all seems ok they can wander round shops/ cafe etc. whilst I know he is still in the same building? Does that seem silly?

I imagine it would be straightforward enough for her to get there too.

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 01/06/2024 08:48

At a similar age my older dd wanted to meet a boy at a station. His parents were said to be with him as they were all visiting our city. DH went with her and all was as she had said it would be. They chatted alone for however long and DH made contact with the parents. As far as I can remember, that was all it ever was - they didn't meet again.

We've done similar since with our other daughter who wanted to meet a female friend of her then age (15 I think) at her family home. It was over an hour's drive, so having checked out the girl and her family, we went out for lunch / a walk and picked her up later. They were friends for several years.

I'd go with him this time. Given the distance and the fact 14 year olds don't have much money, it will most likely not lead to anything, but you will have shown him your support and you won't need to be anxious worrying about what's happening.