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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS meeting a girl

71 replies

StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 06:40

My DS (14, nearly 15) has been talking to a girl om Snapchat for around a week and they want to meet up.

He doesn't know her in person, she is from a city around 45 mins away on public transport.

He has seen pictures and had voice notes from her and in his words, he knows "she's not a 75 year old paedo".

He only announced this trip yesterday and I assumed he was going with his friends as he has done before. He is now saying none of his friends are free and wants to go alone.

Am I being overly paranoid to tell him he can only go if they are meeting in a group and he takes at least one friend?

DS is mature, sensible and very importantly quite open with me. I don't often have to say no to him and although my first instinct was not to let him go, I'm now wondering if I should.

He has promised to message me every hour with his pinned location, and the obvious caveat is that they will meet in the main train station and not leave the city centre.

I was never open with my parents at his age and I don't want to encourage secrecy by being too strict.

AIBU to let him go?

OP posts:
WaitingForMojo · 01/06/2024 08:52

I don’t know why you wouldn’t go with him!

FabricPattern · 01/06/2024 08:56

I don't think you should put the burden of keeping your child safe on his friends. It's not their responsibility. It's yours.

Assuming the girl is who she says she is, it's still not a good situation for your son; you know nothing of her circumstances. Her parents should be concerned about this meet up too - their daughter shouldn't be meeting strangers off the internet either.

Make contact with her parents and attend yourself.

Liann811 · 01/06/2024 09:17

Me personally wouldn't be letting him go alone. A week.is not very long I would be saying look I get that you want to meet her but we need to come to some arrangement as I don't feel comfortable with you going alone so I will come and not get in the way you won't even know I'm there.

QualityDog · 01/06/2024 09:19

I wonder if it might be better for them to meet there? I can take him, see her and if all seems ok they can wander round shops/ cafe etc. whilst I know he is still in the same building? Does that seem silly?

No, it doesn't seem silly. It seems like a good plan. You can see her from a distance even.

I agree with the poster who warned you about the older friend being introduced. Warn him about that.

Original poster
StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 09:20

I'm not putting a burden on his friends, they often go to the city as a group. I'm not asking his friends to watch over him but I do think it's easier to make good choices when you are with people you are familiar and comfortable with. I would say that this girl should do the same.

Looking at it from the girl's point of view, it's the same. In fact she is probably more vulnerable because she is female.

I think he will be mortified at the suggestion that I go along, and I'm trying to reach a compromise where he doesnt end up feeling hard done by and starting to hide things if he thinks I will say no.

I really value how open he is with me and I don't want to lose that - when I think of the unsafe situations I put myself in at his age because I lied through my teeth to my parents about where I was - I want to avoid that too.

OP posts:
ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 01/06/2024 09:59

It would be a big no from me.

Are there really no other girls in your area/that he knows face to face?

Same for her.

Will he let you look at all their messages, her social media etc?

Even if she is a girl, that doesn't guarantee she's not under the influence of someone else. Blackmail, county lines, robbery are just a few things that this (poor)girl could be used as "bait" for.

LakeTiticaca · 01/06/2024 10:00

bridgetreilly · 01/06/2024 06:41

Can you go and be at a different table in the same place?

Please don't do that. If his friends found out his life won't be worth living. What exactly are you worried about,?

Itsthedress · 01/06/2024 10:03

StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 08:36

I don't think it's fair or safe to ask a young girl to come here, to a town she doesn't know for the same reasons I'm not keen on DS going there - but at least he knows the city has been there before with friends etc.

There is a large shopping centre on the edge of the city, I wonder if it might be better for them to meet there? I can take him, see her and if all seems ok they can wander round shops/ cafe etc. whilst I know he is still in the same building? Does that seem silly?

I imagine it would be straightforward enough for her to get there too.

Show quote history

Yes, the shopping centre is a much better idea. If she has decent parents, they’ll be feeling the same as you and will most likely also accompany her there. Good for you all to have eyes on each other, then you sit and have a coffee / shop and arrange when to meet back.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/06/2024 10:04

StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 08:36

I don't think it's fair or safe to ask a young girl to come here, to a town she doesn't know for the same reasons I'm not keen on DS going there - but at least he knows the city has been there before with friends etc.

There is a large shopping centre on the edge of the city, I wonder if it might be better for them to meet there? I can take him, see her and if all seems ok they can wander round shops/ cafe etc. whilst I know he is still in the same building? Does that seem silly?

I imagine it would be straightforward enough for her to get there too.

Show quote history

That sounds like a good option.

Original poster
StarbucksStraw · 01/06/2024 10:24

LakeTiticaca · 01/06/2024 10:00

Please don't do that. If his friends found out his life won't be worth living. What exactly are you worried about,?

Show quote history

This was my thought, given that this is more likely to be an awkward date between teenagers than anything more sinsiter - I don't want to be the cringey mum watching them from across the room.

My worry is mostly that he might end up in a sitiation where he is persuaded to go off alone with her and end up hurt - either by her or someone she knows.

My best male friend when I was 16 was dragged round a corner and beaten to a pulp by older boys from another town who videoed it for fun so that sort of thing is in the back of my mind more than it being a pervy older man type of situation.

They have video called/ played xbox together most nights but I am trying to explain that doesn't mean he knows her.

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 01/06/2024 10:30

Why are you keen for 2 14 year olds to meet?

If it went well then they’ll be traveling quite a lot and you can’t facilitate that longer term.

If it goes badly ….

The other side is you’ll never meet her parents, know much about her, late trains … does she then stay over or you drive her home?

Im not sure you’re in a position to deal with this if it goes well let alone badly.

lemonyellows · 01/06/2024 10:33

Is they have only been talking a week, it would be a no. Too soon surely at that age?

Cookiecrumblepie · 01/06/2024 10:35

To be honest, why can’t you just say no. Wait until they know each other better and you’ve met her parents. You don’t have to say yes to everything, there will be other opportunities.

sleekcat · 01/06/2024 10:38

I think firstly you should get your son to suggest video calling her so they can talk about the trip. If she doesn't want to then that's a red flag.

Alternatively you could drop him there rather than him get the train, they could meet in the shopping centre and you could watch them meet from a distance. He could say to her that you have things to do in the city (take some clothes back?) so it's easier all round.
.
It's probably fine but best to be wary. The problem is that even a sensible 14 year old might find a dodgy situation hard to recognise and get out of. However, as you say you want your relationship to be open and a 45 min train journey would be cheap for a child so he could go there without you knowing. I do believe in independence but they have to be aware of any potentially dangerous situations.

pizzaHeart · 01/06/2024 10:40

Cookiecrumblepie · 01/06/2024 07:26

I think you have to. Sounds very dangerous to me. A child meeting in person a random stranger off the internet? No matter how mature he is there is huge risk. Is it worth it? Suck it up and go with him. You won’t be able to live with yourself if something happens that you could easily have prevented.

Show quote history

This^

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2024 10:41

I think video call and shopping mall is the best option. As you say even if it's a real girl she might be part of a gang of men trying to rob him or something.

Haggisfish3 · 01/06/2024 10:42

My dd has made two or three friends over the internet and we have met them all. With all three I insisted on getting their parents Facebook details and messaged them via that before we met. And dd video called them a lot before they met. And I went with her the first time they met-the other friend’s parent also came and we went to the pub for a while. They then met up on their own after that.

Haggisfish3 · 01/06/2024 10:43

Dd is 13, nearly 14.

Caerulea · 01/06/2024 10:49

What would you do if DS was DD? At that age they are equally vulnerable in this situation.

Choochoo21 · 01/06/2024 10:51

Yes I would let him go, simply because he has told you and has been honest.

If you say no then he’ll meet her anyway but just be much more sneaky about it and you’ll have no idea where he is or who he’s with (we used to say we’re meeting our friends and going into town but we’d be meeting men in a completely different area).

Tell him your concerns - that she may not be real, it could be a friend playing a prank, she could be a set up to rob him etc.

And that you’ll only let him go if he carries on being open and honest with you.
This means updating you and not leaving town with her.

RedHelenB · 01/06/2024 10:52

Mine would have gone and I wouldn't track him either. But my dc would have the common sense to meet in a public place. Surely her parents will be just as concerned?

Chillilounger · 01/06/2024 10:54

At that age I would drive him there and wait somewhere close by and ask him to message 15 mins in to confirm all is well. She's only more vulnerable if she is who she says she is. He is still a child.

rainbowstardrops · 01/06/2024 10:55

On the flip side, would this girl's parents be ok with her meeting a random stranger that she's been talking to online for only a week? I know I wouldn't!

CharlotteBog · 01/06/2024 10:55

OP, I am also a single parent to a 15 year old and like you, feel we have a very good relationship where he is honest and open with me.
We have a good little life just the two of us.
That said, I do remind myself that I am his parent NOT his friend and despite him now being a great lump of a thing, independent and mature, he is still only 15 and needs me to make decisions that he might not like (though maybe subconsciously a part of him is relieved I've given a hard NO to some things).

They need boundaries.

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