Annoyed with partner *shock horror*

[Backhereagain1]

I'm just ranting mainly and wondering if I am being unreasonable
My boyfriend has been a gamer for as long as I know. We've been together 8 years. He is 39.

For the majority of his life, he gets in from work and he plays computer games. He plays games on the weekend. Most evenings this week he has got in from work and gamed until 11pm

I don't mind his gaming (to a point, I think I am just used to it now) but he does it all the time.

I'm the complete opposite. I like to be busy, go places, work out, do housework and gardening, see friends etc

Sometimes I get really resentful and feel underappreciated. I keep myself fit and try to look attractive. I made new friends to have people to socialise with. I busy myself with other activities and I book us trips all the time (which he enjoys when we go). I basically changed my life so I could have the life I want rather than wait for him.

But he, on the other hand has let himself go, he's put on weight, he does the washing up, makes tea (but then so do I) and does some washing occasionally. He doesn't take the initiative. For example on weekends he will game even though there is housework to be done or we could be out in the sunshine making memories. Instead he would be happy sitting on his comp all day long. I've even said to him, I don't care if you play games for a few hours a day but maybe do this/that first so you've done something productive but he just can't help himself

I've grown resentful of this and we have had multiple rows about it. I've told him it hurts my feelings that I am always the one cleaning or making plans for us. It feels like he isn't interested in doing things that make me happy

I will say he isn't all bad, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed for so long. He's a decent guy, he's loyal, he cares about people, he's intelligent, he's hard working, he's affectionate, he has loads of friends but hardly sees them (he used to be very sociable ) - he just has no drive to do anything other than play on his computer

The reason I'm particularly annoyed about this tonight is because he has told me he's depressed. He has been before and I think gaming is a form of escapism. But when I suggest things he could do to make his life better he just shuts me down. I go through bouts of depression so I get it, but nothing ever changes with him. I suggested anti depressants but he won't take them. I suggest he arrange to see his friends, find a hobby etc but he doesn't want to do it

I wait for the day he says 'lets go on a day trip' or 'lets decorate a room' or 'lets go for a meal together' but it just doesn't happen. I know at this point he'll never change and I am just kidding myself.

I've spoken to friends who's partners seem to be similar and content with the simple things but I'm just fed up with it. I feel like we are two very different people

Surely it's unreasonable he is on his computer this much and doesn't prioritise what's important? I realise we are very different and he will never change, but it would likely do him some good?🤔its so frustrating

8 years wow - where do you see yourself in another 8 years time ?

It’s an addiction.
If he was addicted to drugs or alcohol or gambling what would you do?

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to change. He won’t do this if you continue to enable him. If you really love him, move out and let him struggle. He may then change and if he does you could give it another go. You would need to work out if you want to wait around to give him that chance to do that. I wouldn’t, but I am not you.

I sympathise but I don’t understand. I would find this such a turn-off. I’ve never dated a man who games. I just wouldn’t. The first time he said he was going to play computer games I think I would have laughed and said ‘isn’t that what 12 year old boys do?’

YANBU

The gaming is a bit of a red herring, where someone is spending all their time on gaming, hobbies, addictions, whatever, they are checking out of relationships and responsibilities, where that "thing" is more important than everything else.

The point is he is not spending time with you - that doesnt sound like a relationship. This might sound harsh, and you know your relationship best, but essentially you are roommates

The best piece of advice I heard was from my great-grandmother
She said: start as you mean to go on. If you are not prepared to put up with it in 20 years time, then dont put up with it now.

But it sounds like he was like this when you got together so I don't understand why you tethered yourself to someone like this?

I think when we first got together I was very insecure. I'm still working on that now. He was very confident and I think I admired that quality in him and then I ignored the red flags and got sucked in I guess. The usual idiotic crap

We don't have kids. What do men without kids do in their spare time? I am genuinely curious 🤔 I spend spare time painting, reading, planning trips, doing housework, going to classes, seeing friends, browsing my phone etc. He says he doesn't complain when I spend hours painting and at least he doesn't spend his spare time in the pub. It makes me second guess myself

What do men without children do with their spare time ?

spend time with their partner !!!

and

golf / cycling / football / art galleries / walks / hiking / squash / meeting his mates for football matches / golf / an evening in the pub / listening to music / gardening / maintaining the car / washing the car / d i y / decorating odd jobs / cooking / baking / etc

and housework / laundry / ironing

as surely being a 2 adult family that both work these every day essentials are split...

( my DH did all the ironing, tho if it was a special item I would do it as I am better - his words and I agree )

I am sure other posters will come up with other examples

he is almost 40 !!

he is a grown adult, believe it or not ! and to spend evenings and weekends gaming is ridiculous.

how does he enhance your life on a daily basis ?

He IS prioritising what's important.... To him. He's always been like this from your post so I think you're being unreasonable expecting something different. I can understand why you don't like it but his version of fun is different to yours and neither of you are wrong. If you want a different life, it's not going to be with him

I think the gaming is a red herring, just because you don’t enjoy it, doesn’t make it any less a valid hobby than painting.

The actual issue is the fact that he is pouring all of his spare time into it and leaving no time for your relationship and not pulling his weight around the house.

I doubt he will change 8 years down the line but if you want to address it, stop coming at it from gaming is a waste of time and my hobbies are superior and start addressing it as, I would like us to spend time together.

Then separately address the unfair division of housework.

What happens if you suggest a meal out? Cinema? Pub? Day out? Maybe be proactive on this?

hes not likely want to do all of these at once, but if it’s a flat refusal, then the resentful will grow and grow. How do you see your lifts going forward? Stuck I side when he games, or out and about enjoying life?

That's the thing. He always does stuff with me when I suggest it arrange stuff. He just isn't proactive of his own accord. I guess that's why I have always been so conflicted. I have just come to the conclusion if I want to do stuff it has to be who arranges it

It sounds like that's just who he is as a person, for nearly a decade, so it sound like you either accept it or you don't?

Yeah I do understand it's his hobby and I have my own hobbies and it's too far gone to expect him to change now. Like I say I don't mind him doing it a bit. It's just all the time and if we have a weekend he wouldn't do anything different unless I suggested something. I guess he's content doing what he does. I realise I have made a rod for my own back and it's very much my fault for putting up with it so long

Assuming by putting up with it for so long you mean staying in the relationship?

Dump him, this will not get better. And do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man child? You deserve so much more.

It's a bit unfair to expect him to change. He is the same he was when you met.
Now you can argue he could make efforts for you, but he was enough when he attracted you, he was enough at the beginning.
It's unreasonable to expect him to suddenly become someone different.

That said, no way in hell could I be in a relationship with someone like him. Childfree men do what exactly what childfree women do in their spare time! Hobbies, sport, travelling, meeting friends.

Some do nothing, male or female, and spend weekends doing chores and watching tv.

If you are not compatible, it's not much of a relationship, what's the point?

We're about to have a kid so things will change, but DH games (although not more than a couple of hours a couple of times a week), goes to the cinema a lot, bike rides alone or with friends, runs alone or with me, couple of drinks with friends now and then, reads, we'll go out for lunch or dinner together, countryside walks with friends on a weekend, watch TV/films at home or play board games.

He has friends who are as addicted to gaming as your Partner, and don't really do anything else. Shockingly enough there's a theme among them that they're depressed and/or single.

and he deserves someone better suited for him, there are female gamers too.

I don't get it personally, but no one should have to change entirely who they are to be or stay in a relationship.

You have to make sacrifices when you have kids, obviously, but you shouldn't try to be someone else for the sake of a partner.

I don't see the problem with gaming even for hours a day but as you say other things must be done and he should absolutely be doing things and spending time with you aswell as doing his share of the housework, and tbh bothering to maintain his appearance

But tbh if it has been like this for 8 years I can't see it changing.

Maybe it's time the relationship has run it's course because your not compatible. You should like you would be better off with someone more like minded, and him better off with someone into gaming.

I think if I was you op I would conclude that we are incompatible from the point of view of cohabiting and I would want to live separately.
Then all the downsides of his teenage lifestyle would be his burden to bear and he had might have some motivation to change🤷🏼‍♀️

I voted YABU because you knew who he was when you met and expected him to change.

You want different things from your leisure time. Unfortunately, you need to have a conversation with him about what you want, and if he doesn’t want the same you’ll need to finder a partner who will share your life.

He doesn't need a partner. And you might not too. You could both live the lives you love singly.

I had a similar problem, but our reasons/differences weren't the same as yours. But basically the same end result - resentment, and difficulty moving on with anything more ambitious than spending the weekend in B&Q or watching television 🙄

Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with what he wanted to do, that's his free choice, but that's what obfuscates it all and makes it harder to leave. You feel guilty for it, and like it's not "enough" to split over, but it might be enough. Different life stages, growing into a different phase of life.

I became very aware that my life, my tiny short life, was ticking away.. And I'll never get that time back. So it had to happen. Since then ive done some of the things I dreamed of doing. It's wonderful.

We are both now free, living separately and able to use our respective spare time as we wish, and we actually get on better for it.