Annoyed with partner *shock horror*

[Backhereagain1]

I'm just ranting mainly and wondering if I am being unreasonable
My boyfriend has been a gamer for as long as I know. We've been together 8 years. He is 39.

For the majority of his life, he gets in from work and he plays computer games. He plays games on the weekend. Most evenings this week he has got in from work and gamed until 11pm

I don't mind his gaming (to a point, I think I am just used to it now) but he does it all the time.

I'm the complete opposite. I like to be busy, go places, work out, do housework and gardening, see friends etc

Sometimes I get really resentful and feel underappreciated. I keep myself fit and try to look attractive. I made new friends to have people to socialise with. I busy myself with other activities and I book us trips all the time (which he enjoys when we go). I basically changed my life so I could have the life I want rather than wait for him.

But he, on the other hand has let himself go, he's put on weight, he does the washing up, makes tea (but then so do I) and does some washing occasionally. He doesn't take the initiative. For example on weekends he will game even though there is housework to be done or we could be out in the sunshine making memories. Instead he would be happy sitting on his comp all day long. I've even said to him, I don't care if you play games for a few hours a day but maybe do this/that first so you've done something productive but he just can't help himself

I've grown resentful of this and we have had multiple rows about it. I've told him it hurts my feelings that I am always the one cleaning or making plans for us. It feels like he isn't interested in doing things that make me happy

I will say he isn't all bad, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed for so long. He's a decent guy, he's loyal, he cares about people, he's intelligent, he's hard working, he's affectionate, he has loads of friends but hardly sees them (he used to be very sociable ) - he just has no drive to do anything other than play on his computer

The reason I'm particularly annoyed about this tonight is because he has told me he's depressed. He has been before and I think gaming is a form of escapism. But when I suggest things he could do to make his life better he just shuts me down. I go through bouts of depression so I get it, but nothing ever changes with him. I suggested anti depressants but he won't take them. I suggest he arrange to see his friends, find a hobby etc but he doesn't want to do it

I wait for the day he says 'lets go on a day trip' or 'lets decorate a room' or 'lets go for a meal together' but it just doesn't happen. I know at this point he'll never change and I am just kidding myself.

I've spoken to friends who's partners seem to be similar and content with the simple things but I'm just fed up with it. I feel like we are two very different people

Surely it's unreasonable he is on his computer this much and doesn't prioritise what's important? I realise we are very different and he will never change, but it would likely do him some good?🤔its so frustrating

Thanks. I think that's the issue. There is nothing inherently wrong. We don't argue, we get on but we don't have anything in common either. Which makes it all the more difficult to break up and every now and then I think to myself 'i'm getting older, I'm looking older, is this enough for me anymore?'. I guess I feel like I've outgrown the relationship and want someone with more motivation. Someone who wants to do these things rather than me drag them along. I've grown so much. Who knows how much more I could grow if I were alone?
It's a scary thought after all this time though. It's been so long since I was on my own

It should never stop you living a fulfilling life by being afraid of not finding someone else. Life can be amazing flying solo!

What an absolute waste of your life.
Thank god you haven't inflicted him on children.
You deserve so much better than this half life.
Get out because some day you are really going to regret your decision to accept so little.

I agree with the above posters. Life is so short. Maybe try by starting to do all the things you want to do anyway, leave him at home, and gradually you will build confidence? This might help you with a decision either way.

Also, would you resent him if you suddenly had to become his carer or similar? Mine was older than me, and I just thought, it's not fair on me or him, I would hate that. I would have deeply regretted not leaving, if it had gotten to that stage. (Of course it works both ways, I now have no one to look after me if I ever need it!)

Another thing is that my ex does in fact make effort, now 🙄 He sees more of his friends, he goes out more, he's lost a load of weight. If I cared more, it would be annoying 😅😅 because he sure as shit didn't want to put effort in the o do all that when he was with me..

Maybe find that anger? That your partner is willing to only give you the crumbs of a boring basic life? You deserve more. If you left, he would probably put a boot up his own backside and improve, then you really have wasted years of your life... Food for thought.

Sounds like you’ve come to the end of the road. You’re living separate lives anyway, I don’t see the point of trying to carry on a non-relationship like this. Having separate hobbies is all well and good, but you seem to do nothing together which is boring for you.

I am also a gamer but he is taking it to extremes and I would say that about any hobby. It is safe and comfortable to him so he is just coasting along. It also sounds like he isn't very proactive which is the real issue as he will do stuff when you arrange it.

Personally I would be saying that I want him to arrange stuff for us on x number of weekends and surprise me. Talk about your expectations with him and tell him things have to change. He will still have lots of time to game, but you want time together.

If he doesn't do this then reassess as resentment will keep growing.

I think the relationship is over, as you are very different people. What you choose to do now is up to you..

Gaming in and of itself isn't an issue...

Gaming and investing all your spare energy into it, and thus neglecting real life, so that real life becomes pretty miserable and crap, and then the escape into the game world is ever more appealing...

That is a huge problem.

It appears he can't put real life first - it wouldn't matter what the hobby was, the less he invests in real life, the more crap real life will be, the more attractive the escapism will be.

You get out what you put in (to a certain extent) - I think I'd make it clear to him, you're not willing to accept him not pulling his weight, you won't be taking up his slack and you won't be hanging around waiting for him to remember you're there!

Do what you need to do, your share, and no more. Tell him your plans with reasonable notice, and then go and do them, whether he is ready, coming with, or not.

Well his sedentary unhealthy life is doing more harm. I get if you're depressed then you lack motivation but he does need to try and help himself too.

You can't fix him and you deserve to be happy in this one precious life you have.
Just as he does.

I wouldn't like this . It's such a isolating hobby (unless you both do it)

And the lack of motivation is off putting too.

My dh was 23 when we met. He liked socialising with his friends, cinema, , squash, gym, documentaries, travel, walking.

Leave him. Life is too short

There is nothing inherently wrong. We don't argue

There is something inherently wrong. He won't spend any time with you unless you arrange it. That can't be all the time he's not at work, you'd be exhausted. And why will he only do something if you have a definite plan? Most couples would watch some TV together or do a bit in the garden or go shopping for a bit. It shouldn't have to be A Plan.

And the only reasons you don't argue are that (a) you hardly spend any time together and (b) so far you haven't gone ballistic about how selfish he's being. You've rolled over and accepted it.

It's time to change the status quo OP, whatever that looks like to you.