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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get annoyed at friends who don't have kids

51 replies

HappyForRainbow · 31/05/2024 20:11

I may BU because I'm having a hard time with DC now.

I have 2 different friends. Both of whom look after their niece/nephew/brother a day or so a week - ages ranging from 1-4.

They constantly act like they know what it's like to have children because they babysit weekly and/or see them in a family capacity.

1 friend even calls her nephew her son and I actively stop responding whenever she does because it angers me for his mum.

And I even partially understand, because I called my nieces my 'babies' before I had kids. I spent a lot of time with them and loved them so much. But it wasn't even close to the same. The relentless, never ending parenting, lack of sleep, additional stress and financial worries. It's not the same thing.

So I find myself distancing from these friends because I find it so infuriating when they act like they are their parents or know what being a parent is like. I haven't said anything and don't intend to, but I may need to end the friendships. Or I may be being too sensitive.

AIBU?

OP posts:

TheOccupier · 31/05/2024 20:29

Your friends are probably just trying to find common ground with you. Maybe try asking them about their lives rather than talking about your children?

KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 31/05/2024 20:30

How old are your children?

Theeternalrocksbeneath · 31/05/2024 20:34

OP I don’t know why the vote is saying you’re being unreasonable.

I don’t have children but we do have god children who, over the years, my husband and I have had stay with us for anything ranging from a few hours to a week or so.

While that gives us an understanding of what it’s like to be a parent, I would NEVER claim that we are now experts in parenting and how hard it is! If anything, we shove the godkids back at their parents after they’ve visited, knackered, with a huge respect for how lucky we are to have the fun bits and be able to hand them back!

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2024 20:41

Your thread title isn’t right, you’re not annoyed they don’t have kids, you’re annoyed they pretend they do.

I mean, it’s better than people who have pets pretending that’s the same as having children, that’s very odd. But still very annoying.

They might be trying to find common ground, if that’s the case then dial back on mentioning your kids and hope they don’t bring up their relatives.

sophi1995 · 31/05/2024 20:43

1 friend even calls her nephew her son.

Your friend sounds very odd.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 31/05/2024 20:43

Depends on what they’re doing.

If they’re claiming that one day per week childcare is giving them sleepless nights and financial headaches then maybe you’re right to feel chagrined.

If they’re saying “god it’s hard when they want to run off and you’re in the supermarket”, then they’ve presumably got some experience of it and are trying to empathise.

By the sounds of it you’d all feel better if you talked about other topics instead.

Phantasmagorically · 31/05/2024 20:44

Just state your irritation calmly rather than ghosting them and ending perfectly good friendships over a silly annoyance.

Lord.

RaverQuavers · 31/05/2024 20:45

I’d say definitely step back. For their sake

Hellogoodbyehello4321 · 31/05/2024 20:49

Tbf looking after young children is still hard work even if they just do it 1 day. I doubt they are complaining about the Financial hardships of children if they don't have them so hardly comparing themselves to being parents....much more likely empathising and trying to find common ground.

Dennerfold · 31/05/2024 20:56

Like PP suggested, do you attempt to talk to them about other topics besides your DC? I have a friend who pre-DC expressed a lack of maternal nature- as soon as they had DC that’s all they have talked about for the last 12 years. Sounds like your friend is trying to get a word in edge ways.

Original poster

HappyForRainbow · 31/05/2024 21:19

DC are 2 and 3 months.

We do talk about other things, of course.

Don't know where a very odd PP got that they're 'trying to get a word in edgeways' - the opposite is actually true - I would LOVE a non child conversation and break. It's a little silly to make things up just because you had a friend who did something.

Thank you for the constructive comments! I think I just need to distance myself until I'm out of this fog.

OP posts:

mightydolphin · 31/05/2024 21:50

I think they just want to relate to you but they're doing so in a weird way. They don't understand. I didn't have a bloody clue until I became a mother. One day (if they have their own) they will look back and likely laugh.

KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 31/05/2024 21:50

@HappyForRainbow you're right in the trenches, no wonder it stings. I think they're just trying to connect, share & empathise though I would also be telling them they're being a bit insensitive and that babysitting isn't the same as being a full time mum!

CulturalNomad · 31/05/2024 21:53

I haven't said anything and don't intend to, but I may need to end the friendships

Ending these friendships would be a huge overreaction. The fact that you're even considering it indicates you're probably feeling overwhelmed right now.

No, looking after someone else's child for one day a week is nothing like the relentless demands that a mother of two young children faces 24/7. Of course not. I suspect they're just trying to find common ground with you. I doubt they realize how irritating you find it.

I'd just tell them how you feel. Do it when you're not feeling aggravated or angry, just be very matter-of-fact about it. If they're really your friends they'll offer support (such as a sympathetic ear) if they realize you're struggling.

Wheredidileavemycarkeys · 31/05/2024 22:01

Well if they don’t have children then I guess they don’t understand what it’s like. You admitted you didn’t until you had them. It’s a shame if you end up resenting them so much you drop them. It’s not as if it’s really them that’s stressing you out.
Do have other friends who are mums you can vent to?

K37529 · 31/05/2024 22:03

I thought I knew how hard parenting would be because I looked after my nieces and nephew a lot. But no, you really have no idea until you have your own. I wouldn’t let their comments annoy you, and I wouldn’t cut off two friends because of it. Its only bothering you because you’re obviously in the thick of it with your own kids, 2 and 3 months are tough ages.

Harara · 31/05/2024 22:04

Phantasmagorically · 31/05/2024 20:44

Just state your irritation calmly rather than ghosting them and ending perfectly good friendships over a silly annoyance.

Lord.

Omg can we copy and paste this because this is the reply I would like to give to about 50% of Mumsnet AIBU posts.

Pootle23 · 31/05/2024 22:55

I bet you get pissy if they dare mention being tired or something like that too. Because “only a mother really feels tired”.

Just remember your kids are small for a short time, you could wake up one day and realise you dumped all you friends and they won’t be there waiting for you later on.

Original poster

HappyForRainbow · 31/05/2024 23:05

Pootle23 · 31/05/2024 22:55

I bet you get pissy if they dare mention being tired or something like that too. Because “only a mother really feels tired”.

Just remember your kids are small for a short time, you could wake up one day and realise you dumped all you friends and they won’t be there waiting for you later on.

Are you so bored you need to make things up about people on the internet? Grow up.

OP posts:

EeewDavid · 31/05/2024 23:11

They’re not doing any harm.

If you’re that irritated with them over this I echo a pp - step away, for their sakes.

Eeeden · 31/05/2024 23:15

I have many friends who do not have children and therefore do not know what it is like to have children. Doesn't bother me one bit.

Littlebitofsomething · 31/05/2024 23:17

I understand why it's aggravating but I think the level of concern is a you thing.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/05/2024 23:20

I wouldn't fall out over it they'll probably have children of their own at some point and then cringe at this. I definitely cringe at some of the things I said to friends before I had kids like why don't you nap at their nap time etc.

What I do think is important is to remember that they have lives that can be stressful too- don't get into a who is more tired or busy competition as they're just different kinds of tired or stressed. I remember the crippling loneliness of lockdown in winter alone, my friends who were mums and home schooling would have killed for a month alone in a flat to just catch up on series I'm sure but to me it was very painful. Like comparing chalk and cheese.

JoniBlue · 31/05/2024 23:27

I am unsure if yabu or not. Do they critique your parenting, or can you give examples of what they say that irks you?

You are not being unreasonable regarding the nephew son thing. You could respond with "Your SON"! You had a baby"?! Or "Who? Do you mean your nephew"?

CelesteCunningham · 31/05/2024 23:29

They're trying to find a common ground. They don't realise all of the bigger picture stuff they're missing.

You're really, properly in the trenches right now. Those ages are hard, and probably will be for a while. Cut yourself a break, and note that you're probably not at your most rational right now because of the crushing exhaustion. Cut your friends a break, because they can't possibly understand what your life looks like right now.

If you can take deep breaths and get through this, you'll come back to each other in time.

At about that stage, my best friend told me her work stress was worse than my baby and toddler stress, because "they're just, like, people, not millions of dollars".

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