To get annoyed at friends who don't have kids

[HappyForRainbow]

I may BU because I'm having a hard time with DC now.

I have 2 different friends. Both of whom look after their niece/nephew/brother a day or so a week - ages ranging from 1-4.

They constantly act like they know what it's like to have children because they babysit weekly and/or see them in a family capacity.

1 friend even calls her nephew her son and I actively stop responding whenever she does because it angers me for his mum.

And I even partially understand, because I called my nieces my 'babies' before I had kids. I spent a lot of time with them and loved them so much. But it wasn't even close to the same. The relentless, never ending parenting, lack of sleep, additional stress and financial worries. It's not the same thing.

So I find myself distancing from these friends because I find it so infuriating when they act like they are their parents or know what being a parent is like. I haven't said anything and don't intend to, but I may need to end the friendships. Or I may be being too sensitive.

AIBU?

This is a good point. Thank you.

I love this too, thank you!

This. It would be a shame to end good friendships over this. Even if you do want to murder them atm.

It strikes me as a genuinely ridiculous reason to consider ending friendships, and I think you are being massively oversensitive.

1 indirectly critiques by criticizing the children's parents (the one who calls her nephew her son) - things like saying 'X always complains about doing days out with the kids - but it's so easy, I don't know what she's talking about' - because doing something like that as a 1 off with only 1 kid in a pushchair IS easier I'm sure. Dealing with it as a single parent with 2 kids day in and day out is not, I'm sure.

Or 'I don't understand why she's so behind with washing' when she has roommates, works from home and only has to wash for herself as opposed to the single parent family with a wild toddlers shes judging.

And 'Had to buy X outfit for my son, his mum isn't going to do it'. Like...she probably has other money/life worries than a special st Patrick's day outfit right now.

The other isn't as rude honestly...just doesn't really 'get it'. She genuinely believes 1 day babysitting is the same as parenting - has said this - and I just respond that it's really hard never getting that break and change the subject.

All that said, I accepted at the beginning I may BU. Had a hard day, neither of the kids are sleeping, and got a text from friend 1 that the 1 year old called her mama and she loved it but knew his mum would hate it - just annoyed me. I recognize it's not rational and haven't said anything.

Thanks to those who didn't make up lies and assumptions.

Had to reply to this - "my best friend said her work stress was worse" - I know babies are usually harder than jobs... But I had a very stressful, toxic job before I had DD and honestly maternity leave was a dream by comparison.

I was only getting about four hours sleep with the relentlessness of my horrible job. I actually got more sleep on mat leave with my baby, despite her sometimes waking up every hour overnight.

I think if your job isn't that stressful then babies will generally be harder - but some jobs are honestly brutal.

Ok Friend 1 sounds awful.

These friends sound awful! I only have one friend who has done this with her niece, and while it's annoying, I know she is desperate to have kids and can't - so I know it comes from a place of wanting to pretend she knows what it's like and that she's not missing out.

Not sure if your friends are the same, but it could be that

That's not her job. Trust me. Our other friend has a job like that and three young DC and has been told similar. Friend is just a bit clueless and a bit self involved. She's lovely in other ways, but that was a low point.

(It was also said on a doorstep visit after my dad died while I was on maternity, which fair enough I didn't mention so you couldn't have possibly known, but it added an extra dimension - a lockdown baby, lockdown funeral, non sleeping toddler and bereaved mother left me in no state to rank non-people problems anywhere on the same scale as people problems.)

I'm the sort of childfree person who has zero interest in kids, would never give up my time to babysit and, by the sounds of it, would have no common ground with you.
I imagine I'd annoy you too 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think it would be worth exploring why your friend's behaviour has hit such a nerve for you. Jealousy?

The "my SON" friend sounds like she needs a whole thread about her from the child's mother. She sounds like a nightmare but if she's otherwise a good friend or is willing to take one of yours out and give you a rest, I'd try and ignore it, or call her out. Say "well she's a single Mom with two kids to pay for, it's lovely you're there to buy the treats she can't prioritise", "ah yes, I remember only having one. Borrow my eldest too and then see how chilled a day you have lol"

Jealous that her friend is playing at being a Mommy with someone else's child?

You're absolutely right, you would annoy me.

Nothing to do with being childless though.

I think you’re probably not being 100%rational about this. There’s no need to end a friendship over something so innocent. You remind me of one mum in our friendship group who kept telling us we had no idea how hard her life was because she had 2 children and at the time we had 1. We were never allowed to be tired or stressed with our own situations because we “couldn’t even imagine” what she was going through unless you’ve done it yourself apparently 🤦‍♀️Cut them some slack and then when they have small children remind them how easy it is 🤣

Is friend 1 well? I get the impression she has issues. A St Patrick's day outfit? Are you even in Ireland or at least Irish? I think your other pal means well though. Perhaps tell her what parenting is really like though, that it is relentless, exhausting and hard. You sound exhausted yourself btw, is there any way you can delegate the childcare and snatch a few extra hours of kip?

When I was younger I used to compare my cats to children. Obviously knew it wasn't the same but thought it was closer than it was.
I learnt when I had kids. And so will your friends 😂

Well, you sound over-tired and say you've had a bit of a hard day and you sound like you have a lot on your plate so it's fair enough to feel irritated. Your friends can't possibly know exactly what it's like. It also sounds like you are taking to heart things they say that aren't about you and relating a lot to the mother they are criticising, however mildly. Maybe state something in her support in a non-confrontational way like "she's probably got too much on her plate, I can relate to that" or "she is probably too tired to worry about a costume, I know I'd be the same". This might make them think a little more about what they are saying and who they are saying it to.

But I do think you are a little unreasonable in that they are both helping out by looking after someone else's children a day a week or whatever it is. Even if this isn't the same as what you are dealing with, they don't have to do this and it is a big thing to do and helping out their siblings. It indicates they are basically nice people, so however irritating their comments, their actions indicate they are caring people. Why would you cut off people or drop friendships with people who are basically nice and putting themselves out for their families and not actually being mean to you just because they don't completely understand what being a parent is like?

Instead of dropping them, it sounds like you need to find some extra friends who are parents who get it.

At the end of the day all people are irritating in some way. But how irritated you feel can be hugely magnified by stress and tiredness. To chuck away good friendships with decent-sounding people due to differences of situations or finding them a bit irritating seems like an over-reaction and also a waste. You might really regret it in the future.

All that being said, you're allowed to be tired and irritated. Of course you are. If it's really getting to you maybe find a way to tell them that it would be great not to talk about the children all the time and you would love to talk about something else, then come up with some subjects that might feel more refreshing.

I think YABU to end the friendship with them but YANBU to be annoyed. Maybe take a step back, see them less often until your DC are abit older and easier.

They definitely can’t understand what it’s like but if they end up having children of their own they will realise. Then they will probably feel silly for the comments / judgements they made.

You're right of course. They are generally caring people who are doing a good thing. Thank you.

Try to distance yourself a little bit from the feelings and observe.

Remember what your friends say - how easy they say everything is and how much patience they have (with one child for a couple of hours) - how their child will have impeccable manners and eat everything put in front of them etc- then you can have a little chuckle to yourself when their parenting reality kicks in.

Yes the enjoying being called mum/my son thing is weird!

Hi OP, I have three under 5 so I get the exhaustion and stress.
i have to say, however, I think there’s a lot of misplaced projection going on here. Try not to take the things your friends say personally as they are not about you. And try not to resent your friends for your own stress- it’s not their fault. even though you feel like your life is so much harder right now, remember you have no idea what they might be dealing with their end and what it’s like to be in their shoes . Things might look v different from the outside. Overall, it’s unhelpful to be trying to compare your life to theirs and resenting them for not seeing the comparison the way you do. Take care x

What I am going to say is going to sound really mean so am going to don my hard hat before I say it. Watching people I know lose their looks, their figures, their freedom and their minds to raising kids put me right off having kids of my own. You’re right op we who are child free can only imagine how hard it is, and quite frankly wouldn’t want it any other way.

I think that given you did the same thing, you should maybe not take that quite so viscerally- you called your nieces your babies, and because of a now different experience, you having your own, you realise that's a daft thing to say. They don't have the same experience, so sorry, that one is on you to manage. If they are trying to give you parenting advice- they may have suggestions you've not thought of if they are regularly involved in young children's care, nor and smile, same as all other advice you don't agree with.

Why don’t you and your pals go out one afternoon for cocktails or whatever and make it a strictly baby/child free zone in terms of conversation - take that stuff completely off the table as to what you’re gonna talk about! There’s loads of other things to talk about - you’ll probably all have a great time and you can really re-connect with each other.

I would want to distance myself from the judging comments about other parents. It’s really unpleasant. And showing off about being called mama is horrible and my babies forgetting I am ‘mum’ was one of my irrational fears when I went back to work. That would have broken my heart.

Your other friend sounds less unpleasant and more unaware that 1 day is not the same as full time. I could get over that.