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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you stay with a boyfriend that worked 7 days a week?

44 replies

ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 17:11

Starting a new business. He claims he’ll take 1 day off per week when the business opens.

When we met he had an established business… but still worked 7 days a week, taking time off for special occasions, my birthday and Christmas.

Together over 2 years.

Thought about asking him if he’d get married as I do love him very much, he’s otherwise an excellent partner (when he’s here!) and I would feel better knowing he was working on our future. He says he is as it is and I have no reason to disbelieve him but I suppose it would be nice to have that commitment/something solid. It’s an awful lot to take on when you’re ‘just’ a girlfriend.

Anyone been in this situation? Any advice?

OP posts:
MsMajeika · 31/05/2024 17:14

No way would this be the life for me. Do you want children? If so, would you be happy to raise them practically alone?

You say he's working on your future but when is the end date? When he retires??

RichTea90 · 31/05/2024 17:16

There needs to be some sort of limit. I don’t think someone working 7 days a week is conducive to a healthy relationship in my opinion. He needs to draw a line, and balance building a business with spending time with you.

I wouldn’t even consider marriage under the current circumstances, and I think it’s somewhat foolish to consider that marrying would cement that commitment. The relationship parameters need to be right now.

Ace56 · 31/05/2024 17:18

Men don’t change when they get married. Who he is now is who he’s going to be…

I don’t think many people could live with that, no!

Ponderingwindow · 31/05/2024 17:20

Do you want to have children some day? What kind of parent do you want those children to have?

personally, I wanted an equal partner in parenting. Someone who understood he had to be very hands on.

ImANameChanger01 · 31/05/2024 17:24

If you’re saying that you’re happy sacrificing time with him if you know that’s he’s committed to you for the long term, and you’d be happy having a husband who works 7 days per week and you doing all the child rearing in future (if you decide to have children) then yes, I’d want marriage.

If he doesn’t want to give that commitment, then no, I wouldn’t want a boyfriend who works 7 days per week.

KreedKafer · 31/05/2024 17:25

I wouldn't. I think the practicalities of never really being able to do anything together would be a huge drawback for a lot of people, relationship-wise.

In addition to that, I personally really don't find that workaholic, entrepreneurial mindset at all attractive in a partner. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's not what I go for.

Original poster
ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 17:28

MsMajeika · 31/05/2024 17:14

No way would this be the life for me. Do you want children? If so, would you be happy to raise them practically alone?

You say he's working on your future but when is the end date? When he retires??

Haha agree on the end date! I say exactly this myself

OP posts:
Original poster
ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 17:28

ImANameChanger01 · 31/05/2024 17:24

If you’re saying that you’re happy sacrificing time with him if you know that’s he’s committed to you for the long term, and you’d be happy having a husband who works 7 days per week and you doing all the child rearing in future (if you decide to have children) then yes, I’d want marriage.

If he doesn’t want to give that commitment, then no, I wouldn’t want a boyfriend who works 7 days per week.

This is the way I feel. I’m thinking about broaching the subject tonight hence posting. Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 17:29

Ponderingwindow · 31/05/2024 17:20

Do you want to have children some day? What kind of parent do you want those children to have?

personally, I wanted an equal partner in parenting. Someone who understood he had to be very hands on.

Personally I wouldn’t mind doing the majority myself but I appreciate it would be pretty tough

OP posts:
elevens24 · 31/05/2024 17:33

Personally I wouldn’t mind doing the majority myself but I appreciate it would be pretty tough.

With all due respect unless you've been there you don't know how you'd feel.

I wouldn't go out with someone who worked 7 days and I'd give a shift worker of any sort a wide berth.

WantToMakeWorldSilkySmooth · 31/05/2024 17:37

The problem with owning a business tis that it's something you built, you made. It's your "baby". It never stops. "you make your own hours" well no. Clients and business needs do. You take a break you lose clients and future clients through recommendations. It's a hard bitch. Very satisfying but bitch. If that makes sense. I found the relax of being employed mindblowing😂 sick leave? Paid holidays I am forced to take😱 And it doesn not cost me money? Amazing. It depends on business of course though.

He will work a lot most likely. Even after marriage and kids. You have to decide if you can make peace with it or not.

Original poster
ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 17:38

elevens24 · 31/05/2024 17:33

Personally I wouldn’t mind doing the majority myself but I appreciate it would be pretty tough.

With all due respect unless you've been there you don't know how you'd feel.

I wouldn't go out with someone who worked 7 days and I'd give a shift worker of any sort a wide berth.

Oh yeah absolutely, I’m with you. As far as I can know atm!

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 31/05/2024 17:39

I'd read some threads here from women trying to raise children with workaholic husbands.

Original poster
ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 17:39

WhatNoRaisins · 31/05/2024 17:39

I'd read some threads here from women trying to raise children with workaholic husbands.

This isn’t a bad idea

OP posts:
Moversnotshakers · 31/05/2024 17:41

My dH works 7 days a week including christmas day. He is a self employed taxi driver and can choose his hours. So often takes time off when im at work as those are the quieter hours. Then he goes to work when i come home! It works for us as i do a 9-5 role and have plenty of time to myself as my DC are grown and left home. It depends on individual situations. We are now sitting in the garden together with a beer in the sun so its not constant work but I love him and also love my time for myself. Best of both worlds.

Hugosmaid · 31/05/2024 17:43

It’s ridiculously hard when you set up a new business. Most businesses fail with in the first two years so he is still in the ‘bunker down and get it established phase’

I went through this my my ex when he set his up ( I looked after the kids) then went through it myself when I set my own up. The hard work eventually pays off.

Yes it can be obsessive at the start as you feel you can’t leave it alone. You do not get paid if you are shut.

Im three years in and only just starting to have every other weekend off as I trust the staff. But even then I feel like I need to be there.

I miss school stuff, nights out, family gatherings - but now my business is established I can take my foot of the peddle a bit.

When I date I have very limited time which can be frustrating for them.

You two years in - have the conversation about where it’s going. Is there a ‘next step’?

Also does he have staff that can take over and give him breathing space or will he be taking staff on in the future?

Can I ask what line of work he is in?

PeloMom · 31/05/2024 17:46

My DH works 24/7 (own business) and that’s how it was when we met and were dating. However, if I need him, DC is sick, etc he is able to step out of work and be there for us. He has structured his day so once DC is home from school, he is 90% of the time available to go to playground, go to extracurriculars, etc and spend quality time; does most drops offs and pick ups (and has conference calls when he’s driving back home/ office). Then he works while I do bedtime (unless he is doing bedtime that night). He is a very hands on and involved dad so if he needs to be working on a Saturday night etc I don’t care. As long as he is present when I want him and need him and is there for our DC, it’s fine.

SprinkleofSpringShowers · 31/05/2024 17:56

My DH works very long hours. Most days he’s out before me and the kids wake (and my kids get up about 6am) and often back after we’re in bed. We have about 2 days a month with him. He earns good money so we live a comfortable life. But I always work PT and am very much alone with the kids. Its a hard life and I’d definitely give up some
of the luxury to have him around more. He’s just wired that way.

Original poster
ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 18:05

Hugosmaid · 31/05/2024 17:43

It’s ridiculously hard when you set up a new business. Most businesses fail with in the first two years so he is still in the ‘bunker down and get it established phase’

I went through this my my ex when he set his up ( I looked after the kids) then went through it myself when I set my own up. The hard work eventually pays off.

Yes it can be obsessive at the start as you feel you can’t leave it alone. You do not get paid if you are shut.

Im three years in and only just starting to have every other weekend off as I trust the staff. But even then I feel like I need to be there.

I miss school stuff, nights out, family gatherings - but now my business is established I can take my foot of the peddle a bit.

When I date I have very limited time which can be frustrating for them.

You two years in - have the conversation about where it’s going. Is there a ‘next step’?

Also does he have staff that can take over and give him breathing space or will he be taking staff on in the future?

Can I ask what line of work he is in?

I think a ‘next step’ conversation is definitely appropriate and needed at this point. It’s very hard but I do love our relationship.
Restaurant/bar type work so very long hours too

OP posts:
Velvian · 31/05/2024 18:44

It would not be for me. My dh works quite long hours, but only 5 days and I would far rather he shared the family load with me (I work 32 hours over 5 days).

I found being alone with small children several times more lonely than being on my own.

Original poster
ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 18:51

Velvian · 31/05/2024 18:44

It would not be for me. My dh works quite long hours, but only 5 days and I would far rather he shared the family load with me (I work 32 hours over 5 days).

I found being alone with small children several times more lonely than being on my own.

There’s definitely this to consider as PP said, you don’t really know how you’ll feel until you’re in the situation

OP posts:
xyz111 · 31/05/2024 19:14

Definitely not. My exH and I used to work opposite shifts, barely saw each other. Ended up feeling like house mates than husband and wife.

PeloMom · 31/05/2024 19:25

With the update that it’s restaurant/bar it’d be a hard no from me. The busiest times are when other people have family time- weekends, evenings, lead up to and Xmas, Mother’s Day etc.

Original poster
ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 19:34

PeloMom · 31/05/2024 19:25

With the update that it’s restaurant/bar it’d be a hard no from me. The busiest times are when other people have family time- weekends, evenings, lead up to and Xmas, Mother’s Day etc.

Would definitely be nice to unwind together in the evenings

OP posts:
PeloMom · 31/05/2024 19:40

ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 19:34

Would definitely be nice to unwind together in the evenings

Show quote history

I’ll add that I was running restaurants very long time ago and my life was as follows:
on the very rare occasion I took I day off, 9/10 times I’d get a call:

  • someone was a no show last minute, restaurant was very busy and I had to go cover
  • some sort of equipment broke down and needed repair to be sorted asap so we don’t have to close
  • gas leaks
  • fire alarm would get activated for no reason, had to deal with fire fighters
  • some from health and safety or council showed up so I had to go speak with them
  • there was Always something
i was woken up many times from the security company as the alarm activated at all sorts of ungodly hour and I had to go see what’s going on. i made no plans with friends for years as I knew I’d let them down. Although the place was very popular and successful, the margins were not worth the sacrifices. for your own sake, don’t get involved.