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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you stay with a boyfriend that worked 7 days a week?

44 replies

ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 17:11

Starting a new business. He claims he’ll take 1 day off per week when the business opens.

When we met he had an established business… but still worked 7 days a week, taking time off for special occasions, my birthday and Christmas.

Together over 2 years.

Thought about asking him if he’d get married as I do love him very much, he’s otherwise an excellent partner (when he’s here!) and I would feel better knowing he was working on our future. He says he is as it is and I have no reason to disbelieve him but I suppose it would be nice to have that commitment/something solid. It’s an awful lot to take on when you’re ‘just’ a girlfriend.

Anyone been in this situation? Any advice?

OP posts:
Hugosmaid · 31/05/2024 20:13

ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 18:05

I think a ‘next step’ conversation is definitely appropriate and needed at this point. It’s very hard but I do love our relationship.
Restaurant/bar type work so very long hours too

😬😬😬

Id be extremely reluctant to stick around for this. Long hours with not a lot of return

DontKnow1988 · 31/05/2024 20:27

You have to accept him for who he his, and how he is now. It's what it takes to grow a business successfully. You have to understand that this is his baby. It will come above everything else. You cannot switch off when it's your business, ever. And he certainly won't be taking nearly as much annual leave as a regular employee.

Don't make a commitment based on future promises. That would be a mistake.

tiggergoesbounce · 31/05/2024 20:57

Please don't marry a man to try and change him or how he leads his life.
Please don't have kids with a man to try and change him or how he leads his life.

Please marry a man and have kids with a man you are already happy with how he leads his life, that he shows you who he is, and you love that man.

If he doesn't make time for you now, it's not your job to change that - he is doing absolutely nothing wrong- but its not great for a life with kids who then in turn don't really see their dad which is not good.

ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 21:32

tiggergoesbounce · 31/05/2024 20:57

Please don't marry a man to try and change him or how he leads his life.
Please don't have kids with a man to try and change him or how he leads his life.

Please marry a man and have kids with a man you are already happy with how he leads his life, that he shows you who he is, and you love that man.

If he doesn't make time for you now, it's not your job to change that - he is doing absolutely nothing wrong- but its not great for a life with kids who then in turn don't really see their dad which is not good.

That’s the thing, I don’t want to change him or how he leads his life. Though it would be nice to spend more time together, of course. I think I’m just needing some longer term commitment for the ‘sacrifices’ I am making. The kids thing isn’t something I have thought too much about tbf

OP posts:
ivoness · 31/05/2024 21:33

Personally I wouldn’t mind doing the majority myself but I appreciate it would be pretty tough.

With all due respect unless you've been there you don't know how you'd feel.

I agree with this, it's fine to do this if it's working but IMO it often doesn't. I knew I wanted someone who was an equal parent as I saw my dad not doing much with his younger kids (he also worked a lot but to be fair was pretty useless even when he wasn't working apparently) and his wife really resented essentially bringing up their kids alone. My mum told me she felt the same. Do you think he could prioritise you if needed? Would he be willing to cut back if you were struggling?

Saintmariesleuth · 31/05/2024 22:01

I would be having a serious think about things- I'm surprised you feel like you are making sacrifices at 2 years in with no children.

I'd also be paying more attention to his actions than his words. You mentioned that he has run an established business previously and he only really took time off for special occasions. How does he think this will change with a new business that requires more attention and nurturing? Do you know how established the previous business was? Does he take time for a holiday together?

He sounds like he may be a workaholic- as mentioned by a previous poster, do read some of the threads posted by women in these relationships. Their situation is vastly different to that of someone who sets up a business and is busy for a couple of years and then steps back from it once it's established. You need to be sure which camp he falls in to.

I think you are right to probe more here. Don't allow yourself to be rushed in to making commitments too early- you will need to be clear on what you are commiting to.

ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 22:06

Saintmariesleuth · 31/05/2024 22:01

I would be having a serious think about things- I'm surprised you feel like you are making sacrifices at 2 years in with no children.

I'd also be paying more attention to his actions than his words. You mentioned that he has run an established business previously and he only really took time off for special occasions. How does he think this will change with a new business that requires more attention and nurturing? Do you know how established the previous business was? Does he take time for a holiday together?

He sounds like he may be a workaholic- as mentioned by a previous poster, do read some of the threads posted by women in these relationships. Their situation is vastly different to that of someone who sets up a business and is busy for a couple of years and then steps back from it once it's established. You need to be sure which camp he falls in to.

I think you are right to probe more here. Don't allow yourself to be rushed in to making commitments too early- you will need to be clear on what you are commiting to.

Unfortunately I think he’s a workaholic

OP posts:
Saintmariesleuth · 31/05/2024 22:18

If that's the case then please read the other workaholic husband threads and the impact on the children as well as the wife. And definitely don't commit to him thinking that he will change- marriage and babies will very rarely change a man.

I wish you the best of luck with your discussion, you are doing the right thing asking questions and trying to secure a happy future for yourself

unsync · 31/05/2024 22:31

If you are not a priority now, you never will be. Find someone who will cherish you and knows your worth. Don't spend your life as a bit player on the sidelines, it will be miserable.

J0S · 31/05/2024 22:50

Yes I even married him.

For the first few years I worked really long hours in my own career to to pay for everything because his business made no profit. I didn’t mind because he said we were building a future together.

then gave up my career to help him in his business.

of course I also did everything in the house, because he was working 7 days a week.

Then we had kids and I did absolutely everything for them. He wasn't even there for most of the time I was in labour as he was outside taking urgent work phone calls.

He took no time off work after the kids were born, even after the third when I ended up with a C section. I was home alone after 36 hours with a newborn , a toddler I couldn’t lift and a 4 year old.

He kept promising it would be better in the future, when he got a new employee, when that person was trained or when he got the next one. After he got the next contract. When he opened the new office.

It never happened .

He worked every day except Christmas Day. We never had a family holiday, in the end I took the kids away myself to the Lake District with my sister and her kids.

I got paid £5,000 a year for working for his company and no pension, he said that was better for tax and that we could keep my wages in the company for cash flow and live on his. I worked school hours and then brought work home and did it at night when the kids were in bed.

Then I found out that despite his long hours, he had enough time to shag one of his staff. That all these evenings and weekends working was in fact when he was with her, even the 2 weeks in the USA. But he was too busy to take a weekend off for our kids.

And I also found out that he had given his affair partner a “ loan “ of £50,000 from his business. The business that couldn’t afford to pay me a proper wage or a pension. I was working to line the pockets of his mistress .

He said he was sorry and I forgave him. Not that I had much choice with 3 kids, no savings , no job contact, no employers reference, no savings and no proper salary.

He promised that he would spend more time with me and the kids and work on our marriage. It never happened.

Then I found out about another affair and I divorced him. He got to keep all his business because it was a pre marriage asset. He used the fact that I got paid £5k / year to argue that I did just a few hours a month in his business and that had contributed nothing. In fact , he said that I had sat around on my backside while he supported us all.

He moved his very large pension overseas so I got none of that as well.

In the end I had to pay him for half the house ( £200,000 ) so I could keep a roof over our kids heads.he got to keep his business worth £2M and his pension worth £1.8M.

So I have a house worth £400k with a big mortgage , no savings, a small pension from before I gave up my job and 3 teens to support.

He has £4 Million. So yes a pretty shit divorce settlement .

He’s not paid a penny in child support since he left because he’s self employed. He pays it all to his partner and into his pension instead and just takes a tiny salary.

please @ataloss24 , don’t be as stupid as me. I spent years making all the sacrifices of time and money , I worked all day every day for years. I did it because I loved him and believed him.

While he shagged around and stole money from me and my kids.

He was always a selfish cheating bastard but I couldn’t see the reality , I fell for the dream he was selling me. Don’t be me.

Losetowin · 31/05/2024 23:00

@J0S yikes that’s all terrible! Not only a cheat but financially abusive and doesn’t take care of his children 😣 I can’t believe you had to pay him for the house considering everything.

It’s appalling how so many men, but in particular well off self- employed men seem to get away with paying no child support.

ataloss24 · 31/05/2024 23:08

J0S · 31/05/2024 22:50

Yes I even married him.

For the first few years I worked really long hours in my own career to to pay for everything because his business made no profit. I didn’t mind because he said we were building a future together.

then gave up my career to help him in his business.

of course I also did everything in the house, because he was working 7 days a week.

Then we had kids and I did absolutely everything for them. He wasn't even there for most of the time I was in labour as he was outside taking urgent work phone calls.

He took no time off work after the kids were born, even after the third when I ended up with a C section. I was home alone after 36 hours with a newborn , a toddler I couldn’t lift and a 4 year old.

He kept promising it would be better in the future, when he got a new employee, when that person was trained or when he got the next one. After he got the next contract. When he opened the new office.

It never happened .

He worked every day except Christmas Day. We never had a family holiday, in the end I took the kids away myself to the Lake District with my sister and her kids.

I got paid £5,000 a year for working for his company and no pension, he said that was better for tax and that we could keep my wages in the company for cash flow and live on his. I worked school hours and then brought work home and did it at night when the kids were in bed.

Then I found out that despite his long hours, he had enough time to shag one of his staff. That all these evenings and weekends working was in fact when he was with her, even the 2 weeks in the USA. But he was too busy to take a weekend off for our kids.

And I also found out that he had given his affair partner a “ loan “ of £50,000 from his business. The business that couldn’t afford to pay me a proper wage or a pension. I was working to line the pockets of his mistress .

He said he was sorry and I forgave him. Not that I had much choice with 3 kids, no savings , no job contact, no employers reference, no savings and no proper salary.

He promised that he would spend more time with me and the kids and work on our marriage. It never happened.

Then I found out about another affair and I divorced him. He got to keep all his business because it was a pre marriage asset. He used the fact that I got paid £5k / year to argue that I did just a few hours a month in his business and that had contributed nothing. In fact , he said that I had sat around on my backside while he supported us all.

He moved his very large pension overseas so I got none of that as well.

In the end I had to pay him for half the house ( £200,000 ) so I could keep a roof over our kids heads.he got to keep his business worth £2M and his pension worth £1.8M.

So I have a house worth £400k with a big mortgage , no savings, a small pension from before I gave up my job and 3 teens to support.

He has £4 Million. So yes a pretty shit divorce settlement .

He’s not paid a penny in child support since he left because he’s self employed. He pays it all to his partner and into his pension instead and just takes a tiny salary.

please @ataloss24 , don’t be as stupid as me. I spent years making all the sacrifices of time and money , I worked all day every day for years. I did it because I loved him and believed him.

While he shagged around and stole money from me and my kids.

He was always a selfish cheating bastard but I couldn’t see the reality , I fell for the dream he was selling me. Don’t be me.

This is disgusting. I’m so sorry you had to go through this x

OP posts:
ferryboatscrubcaps · 01/06/2024 03:34

You can't change people. Unless he's will to offer more you need to look at your life/relationship as it is and think is this enough for me. If there's even a niggle then I'd move on now.

Because the more committed you get the harder it will be to accept work comes first. If it's you trying to juggle work, kids, house with little support you will end up resenting him. Plus what sort of father do you want for your kids? If he's working constantly how close will they be? Would he be invested in them.

Oblomov24 · 01/06/2024 06:32

It wouldn't be for me either. I feel quite differently about businesses because I only look at the accounts side of things. I am not invested, thus independent. Many people who run businesses shouldn't be. Think about it. Why? Seriously why? Why would you do it, when it's not cost effective. Why run a thing, at a loss. If you are working zillions of hours, making no money. It doesn't make sense. But no one ever wants to hear that, so it's pointless saying it.

SprinkleofSpringShowers · 01/06/2024 06:56

Personally I wouldn’t mind doing the majority myself but I appreciate it would be pretty tough.

With all due respect unless you've been there you don't know how you'd feel.

I don’t mind and I appreciate DH works hard for us. I can afford things that make my life a lot easier like a cleaner, meal boxes, a nanny for the odd evening out, fancy gym membership with a creche. It’s fine when it’s going well it’s when someone is ill - or you’re ill. When I’ve needed to go to a&e, have D&V there’s been times my DH just can’t get back to help. He’s never done a night feed for example with our babies. It takes its toll on your own mental health it’s like burnout by proxy.

If he earns a rack, lets you share all his money and you get a housekeeper it might be different again.

A PP’s tale re cheating husband is why I still work. My dH always says just stay home when I complain I’m stressed. He just says he wants me to me happy, but I feel strongly about retaining some independence. People surprise even themselves!

Beezknees · 01/06/2024 07:18

No, I would not.

I'm not really motivated by money in the slightest, I don't earn high myself and I manage. Time spent together is more important to me. I like to go on holiday, weekends away, etc and I wouldn't want to date someone who would rather work instead of doing those things.

tiggergoesbounce · 01/06/2024 09:03

That’s the thing, I don’t want to change him or how he leads his life. Though it would be nice to spend more time together, of course. I think I’m just needing some longer term commitment for the ‘sacrifices’ I am making. The kids thing isn’t something I have thought too much about tbf

So you just want him to marry you, not prioritise you. Is it because you think he will earn lots of money and marriage is protection in you getting half of that, be aware that's not always the case.

I would not expect to feel like i am making sacrifices this early in a relationship.

So no, if you are already being made to feel like you are having to make sacrifices, then I would walk.

Both me and my DH worked 2 jobs when we were younger first buying our home, but we still made time, even if it was a meal out once a week together, we always booked a week or 2 holiday together, we wanted to see each other and both made sure that happened. We worked hard as a team to build something together, now our DS is here, we make sure we are here for tea time and bed time every night (well DH is 6 nights a week) - family is a priority and should be for both of you if ever decide to go in to have kids, (not that you both need to be there for tea and bed every night but it needs to be a priority to spend time as a family unit)

Velvian · 01/06/2024 09:07

Why does he do it, OP? I think he is very unlikely to become wealthy from having his own restaurant, hospitality is not very lucrative. It seems like his priorities are quite selfish, not really conducive to a relationship and definitely not compatible with parenthood.

What would happen if you had children together and you became ill?

What are you getting out of this relationship?

ThatFunFinch · 12/08/2024 18:23

How long have you been together? Have you never spoken about marriage before ?

im not sure what sacrifices you’re making right now ? Apart from not seeing him…surely that is not stopping you doing anything else ?

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