Should father pay towards children when both parents on benefits

[SevenAteNineAgain]

I'm sure this will attract some 'you shouldn't have had children if you couldn't afford it's posts - I was working right up until I had my last child and realised that I had to leave my abusive relationship and was left caring for 4dc alone. If I hadn't been with a man who refused to wear condoms and regularly forced sex on me I wouldn't have had so many dc. But here we are.

So I have 4dc, 2 of whom are disabled and as they have got older their needs have become more complex such that I am unable to work because of their care needs.

I am extremely fortunate to own my house due to a family inheritance years ago, and after escaping I moved to a cheaper area so I could buy outright with equity from previous flat. Since I cannot work I get carers allowance, and other child related benefits. My two disabled dc get DLA which mainly pays for stuff they need due to disability. We don't have luxuries but we are currently ok.

Ex doesn't work due to mental health issues and gets PIP and other benefits. He stopped paying child maintenance a long time ago, saying he couldn't afford to pay it as well as paying costs for when he sees dc.

Every time he sees the dc he complains about how much it costs him, asks me to contribute, and says that I get money for the dc from the government and he doesn't, so I should be giving him money when he sees them.

Only 1 actually goes to stay with him ever, only for short periods during holidays. Others he sees for the odd day out here and there. Finding stuff that the dc actually want and can manage to do can be expensive since they don't want to just go and hang out with him at his house, so this is why he always complains that it's too expensive and asks me for money towards these activities.

For eg this holiday he took them to an activity and food which cost him £300 for the 4 of them (1 dc wouldn't go at all) and he has been ranting to me since that I have so much more money than him and it isn't fair etc.

I feel like they mostly don't stay with him, he doesn't pay maintenance, I pay all of their costs apart from activities when they see him - it is reasonable to expect him to pay for what he does when he does see them. AIBU? Does the benefits thing mean IABU?

No- even if he had been a lovely husband and you had been a cheating so and so- he should still be paying for his children, and not expecting you to fund his time with them.

When you have a child you are responsible for it- it doesn’t matter what the other parent is like- that child is both parents responsibility to support.

You are not a sponger- you are doing your best in a difficult situation. Your children need you there to care for them- that is why we have a welfare state (one that you have paid in to for years when you were working).

Ok, thanks, it's very helpful to be able to ask people who aren't bogged down by being involved.

Whether or not he should receive money from you for spending a day with his children is irrelevant to the sort of person he is. However, the sort of person he is probably has a direct relation to his even asking. To be clearer it also wouldn't be right for a decent, good man to ask for money from you for an extravagant day out with his own children. But a decent good man wouldn't think to even ask.
Besides - if he was a better person he would probably be able to entertain his children at his house no problem and it wouldn't even be an issue.

re scoungers that don't work: Value of unpaid care matches NHS budget, research finds - BBC News (carers allowance is not pay)

Firstly OP, well done on getting away from this man.
Secondly have you had counseling for this abusive relationship, you deserve support to heal.
Finally, the question of paying this guy to see his own kids, no I wouldn't pay, being honest if he was crossing the road in front of me I would be reluctant to use my brakes.

He should pay you child maintenance OP.
Put yourself and children first and don't allow him to get into your head.
He will probably only be required to pay little amount but its always something.

Honestly - I feel really horrible about bringing up children with the role model of a non-working mother who has to rely on the government for money. I feel like a sponger.

@SevenAteNineAgain

Being a carer and a parent is relentless. Doing it alone whilst recovering from trauma (something that takes a lifetime!) is the most difficult thing anyone could do at times. I went to uni, I worked, I had so many plans and now I’m a single parent on benefits looking like at a future where at least one child will need lifelong care - I get it. But we’re not spongers, we work damn hard. We’re not sitting around waiting for the next lot of UC to drop so we can have a good time on someone else’s money (hell most people on UC are just getting by whatever their situation!). We are putting the work in 24/7 and that’s recognised by the fact we’re not expected to look for other work whilst caring/doing social care’s job for them. Dont feel like a sponger, non professional carers deserve as much respect as anyone getting a paycheque. It’s about damn time we were given a taxable income but that’s a whole other thread…..

Thank you - I have had some counselling in the past and I have done the Freedom Programme, both very useful. Believe it or not I have made huge strides in evicting him from my head, but I guess there are still cracks and he is very insidious in creeping back in.

That article makes me feel much better, thank you so much.

@LostTheMarble I'm sorry that you are in a similar situation. Thank you for your kind words. ♥️

Besides everything else, if you're on a limited budget with your kids (and UC is not a fortune, so it's hardly like you're living the high life), then you will be much better placed than him to know how the money should be spent to benefit them the most (and I doubt this is on theme park tickets and food out, if money is tight).

You’re doing great, just remember that. You owe nothing to anyone but your children.

He should pay CM, however if there are expensive things you receive to help with their disabilities, like an adapted car, these things should go where the kids go. He shouldn't have to double up on the DLA things without financial support.

It doesn't sound like you can have that kind of logical discussion with such a man though.

Well done on leaving him, please don't feel bad about not working, your life is exactly what benefits are for and you are doing brilliantly.