Is my DD or my DH in the wrong?

[AnAdultCat]

Dh is a tech geek. Our house is 'operated' by our phones. Sensors / locations etc. It's a pain but I'm used to it.
However, he's recently put cameras up on our driveway and is now commenting about my daughters coming and goings. She's 19, works full time and drives. We've been away for a few days and he asked me last night who the boy was she took home. I'm assuming it's the 'friend' she's been seeing for a while (no label apparently) and is fuming about her taking someone home.
Am I in the wrong or is he? He's not her bio dad. She's an adult, I believe quite a sensible one and I feel he's invading her privacy. If the cameras weren't there we wouldn't know what she was up to.
Just wondering what other people's views are...

Tell DH that this is none of his business and that he should back off as he is in danger of crossing the line into creepy fucker territory, if he hasn't already.

How creepy, him spying on your daughter like that. He's way out of line! He isn't respecting her privacy, why was he even monitoring the cameras? Why was he hoping to see, to go to that effort?

It's uncomfortable, completely not ok.

Sorry I think this is awful. She’s 19 and has the right to a private life.

You need to trust her to make good decisions. Presumably you accept it’s her home too? If you don’t trust her and she makes poor decisions, you have a much bigger problem than bringing a boy home.

This would have soured my relationship with my DC had it happened.

He's behaving in a really weird and creepy way.

Really inappropriate

Cameras are fine but there's no need for him to be looking back over them unless there's been an issue. Why is he watching it so much?

As for the friend she had round - well I suppose different households have different rules about people staying over etc. I personally wouldn't mind but I don't think it's wildly unreasonable to ask who was in your house while you were away. The way in which he found out (watching the camera footage back etc) someone was there is a bigger problem for me

On the other hand, I am assuming you and he own the house and she doesn't, I think he is relatively reasonable to want to know who is staying in his own home whether he's there or not.
I agree, I would want to know who is staying over in my house. I would pay my DD, still living at home, the respect of updating her when one of my friends is staying over. It gives her the opportunity to put anything private away and just keeps us all 'in the loop'.

Does your daughter know she's being filmed?

Depend on why he's watching.

But mostly I don't see problem.

As you said she's an adult. So she's staying your home either for free or as a paying lodger (in the legal sense).

He wants cameras on his/ your property for security.

I guess if someone wants privacy in their own home they need to get their own home and control what cameras are and are not available.

I know plenty of people with ring doorbells who have shown me hilarious videos of their teens/young adults coming home drunk. These are kids I've known for years. It's never been anything other than a funny anecdote.

Yes he's in the wrong and an invasion of privacy. Has he put cameras up anywhere else perchance?

Cameras are to deter thieves, help identify criminals, track missing people and for safety of knowing who is knocking on the door.
Why would your husband even peruse the camera regularly?
Tracking your daughter is invading her privacy.
If I were her I would move out.

Ask your daughter to let you know in advance if she is bringing a new friend home or going to the home of a new friend (for safety) but snooping on her with the cameras is not nice.

Cameras are a great idea - deters thieves, helps with security, makes it easier to monitor things around your home.

I don't think it's creepy at all that he's seen on the footage she brought a man home. It she's 19 and living at home - your and your DHs home, then it's totally normal for there to be a query about her bringing some man around to the house when you're both gone.

I wouldn't be happy about someone I don't know being brought into my house when I'm away!

Nope in my eyes that’s creepy . I get the cameras because of crime , but trawelling through to see what is doing , that crosses boundaries .Imagine it another way round , what it was a male neighbour doing it , you would be livid and call it stalking , just because he is her stepdad does not make it right .

How's the child of the family meant to own the house? It's her home, regardless

Would bringing some woman around be ok?

Genuine question , would you like this if it happened to you , you are really downplaying it , it is not normal behaviour to trawl back through footage to that degree .

He's not necessarily unreasonable to object to his stepdaughter to bring back FWBs to the house to (presumably?) stay the night. That would have been a hard no from my (very Catholic) mother too. But I was well aware that this was a line in the sand and I guess if OP and/or her husband had similar views, this would have been mentioned?

The rest of what you've described sounds beyond tedious.

She's 19 and presumably, it's her home! It's irrelevant if alcohol was involved or any of his other batshit excuses to be honest!
I might mention in a jokey way, asking who she brought back (presuming you don't know him) but even that would be a bit weird!
I'd tell your DH to back right off!

What are your normal house rules?

Is she allowed to bring boys home/have them spend the night?

Is she allowed friends over if you are away?

That kind of stuff.

If she is breaking rules , then the cameras ,while very intrusive, are the equivalent of the olden days of ringing the house phone, checking alcohol levels in bottles , looking in the bins, ringing their cell or having neighbours to keep an eye.

If there are no rules and this is normal behaviour in your house(no judgement) then he is massively overstepping.

@Allfur

Nope, hence why I said "someone I don't know" in the last sentence. The "man" mentioned in the middle part was in direct reply to the specific example shared by the OP.

@Pinkyandthebrain96

Lots of cameras alert to movement - I know our front cameras record movement detected on the driveway for a set period, especially if "people" are detected and send an alert for review. OP hasn't said that he's trawled through 24 hours of footage to specifically see something.

Wow creepy

I'd tell him to mind his own business... if she had a party and 100 people coming into the house fine but if she wants to invite someone back to an empty house she's old enough.

Ye younare way too controlling of ADULTS

If she lives there... its her house

I get that ring doorbell cameras and stuff can be useful but to use them to actively monitor your own family members who are adults themselves is creepy and I’d not be happy at all.

Sounds like there's just no shared understanding of what the house rules are. Is it OK for her to bring ppl home? Has it ever been discussed? If she's only doing it when you're away it sounds like she feels like she needs to sneak about a bit (possibly just from OH, if she usually keeps you in the loop).

I think the camera thing is a non issue. Ours will send a notification when anything happens. Or when you open the app you can see all the 'events', so a cursory check would instantly show her coming home with the guy. If he's really tech savvy, I imagine his system will have features like that (and better!) and doubt he's trawling through hours of data like a creep.