How to handle my poor relationship with SIL?

[50AndOverIt]

Just looking for advice here on how to handle my relationship with my SIL.

We are both in our 50’s and have known each other since early 20’s when I met my DH. She is the only one of my SIL’s I have animosity with.

I’m not saying it is all her, I am sure my behaviour has not been perfect, but I just don’t like her. This SIL has the largest sense of entitlement I have ever met in my life, and thrives on drama and I just can’t be doing with it. A few years ago when I pulled her up on her behaviour, my PIL went mad at me. My FIL hates me now. I just don’t understand her behaviour. We went to a wedding last year, and I got dressed up. She got annoyed at what I was wearing and said that it wasn’t my family getting married, and why had I gone to such effort as no one will be looking at me as I am not family (nice high street dress, hair GHD curled on end, no big deal). This is the kind of shit I have to put up with. It is very much blocking me from the family and it has gone on for 30 years.

At my age, I just don’t need this crap.

What I want is to see my PIL when I have to, and NEVER see my SIL (and her annoying partner) but it is very difficult as my PIL always ask that we extend the invitation to her and her DP too.

My DH is free to go see his DSis anytime he likes. In fact, he has loads of free time when I am not around to do this, but he doesn’t.

I need some tips on how to handle this relationship? Also, AIBU to be like this with her? I don’t want any argument with her, or animosity, I just want to be left in peace.

What has changed here is that I am now post menopausal and I refuse to let anyone off with bad behaviour in my presence. If I carry on seeing her, I know I am going to let rip.

I don’t know why you are having such a tug of war with yourself about this.
You don’t like her.
With good reason.
Stay away from her and stop doubting yourself.

If FIL hates you I doubt you’ll be seeing much of them so I wouldn’t worry about that.

DH doesn’t bother to see them so stop bothering yourself. The best way to handle it is to do nothing. Don’t go round pulling other adults up on their behaviour then say you don’t want drama. Don’t try and dictate who your PIL see. Don’t see your PIL! See them at larger group events if and when those crop up, don’t initiate anything the rest of the time.

I don’t particularly like my PIL either but feel obliged to have a relationship with them for the sake of my DH and our DC.

WRT his sister, I just don’t feel the same responsibility.

Yes I have a DH problem. He won’t stand up to them. He hates drama.

Your FIL hates you, and your SIL is a massive twat. I don't really understand what the issue is. Stop seeing anything of them. Your husband can do whatever the fuck he wants. You, on the other hand, will refuse to have toxic shitty people in your life.

I don’t particularly like my PIL either but feel obliged to have a relationship with them for the sake of my DH and our DC.

You're not obliged to do anything, and having a relationship with people you don't like is definitely something you don't have to do. Your husband can be responsible for your kids seeing them or not.

AIBU to be like this with her? I don’t want any argument with her, or animosity, I just want to be left in peace.

I refuse to let anyone off with bad behaviour in my presence.

This is what’s causing the grief. You can’t control your SILs behaviour, only your reaction to it. just don’t engage. If she says anything that you disagree with just smile and change the subject or say ‘I don’t agree with that but let’s not dwell on our differences’.

on your appearance at the wedding just say ‘thanks for the compliment, I scrub up alright don’t I’.

if you insist on seeing PIL and they insist on having SIL there too just don’t engage with the negativity.

My MIL doesn’t speak to any of her brother’s wives, doesn’t speak to any of her nieces, and slags them all off to the moon. It’s wierd. I think SIL has learnt that this is how you treat the women coming into your family.

I just find this really toxic.

It's simple OP. You don't like them, they don't like you, so don't see them. Your husband can be responsible for ensuring your children see grandparents. If he doesn't, that's not your problem. There is only drama if you engage. Are the children old enough to go themselves or be dropped off, if they want to go?

I’ll never understand posters who think they get to overrule their spouses when it comes to their in laws. If your husband doesn’t make any effort to see his parents then why would you think you know better and encourage it anyway?!!! Why?

Least of all in a dynamic like this where you don’t like any of them? Why would you inflict anyone on your impressionable kids when you despise them?

It’s a weird unhealthy combination of misplaced social obligation and staggering arrogance. If you trust your husband then trust his opinion of his family. He’s known them a lot longer than you have.

Don’t claim you don’t enjoy drama when you’re taking this approach.

These are your parents-in-law not your actual parents so I'd drop the obligation to have any sort of a relationship with anyone who has behaved so badly towards me, including them.

Your DH is quite able to maintain a relationship with his family and he can bring your DC around if you really want them to have a relationship with your DH's family.

You need to have a conversation with your DH stating that from X date, you will not be arranging any sort of visits with his parents for the kids and yourself. You will tell his parents that going forwards, if they want to see their grandchild(ren), they should arrange it through your DH as you are no longer the point of contact for them. You don't need to do anything with your SiL or her partner. That is up to the PiL . If they want to see SiL, they must arrange any visits with SiL and not expect your DH to reach out to her.

I'm guessing that SiL is actually PiL's daughter and she didn't marry into the family like yourself? In that case it's entirely up to PiL to arrange whatever sort of relationship they want with their own daughter and they cannot force adults to like each other (were they expecting you to shake hands and pretend you're back in primary school making up with someone you fell out with???)

You however, don't arrange anything any more. It's all up to them now.

Honestly, exactly this OP.

They all sound very immature and toxic, and highly unlikely to change.

I would stop mentioning them, stop suggesting inviting them to anything, stop suggesting that your DH sees/rings them in his free-time or otherwise. Only agree to attend anything with your DH unless he directly asks for your support in this way.

I think you'll find that if you work on dropping your FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) around them then your DH will find it easier to drop his too.

I refuse to let anyone off with bad behaviour in my presence.

Well there’s the issue. Just don’t engage. Don’t correct, don’t admonish, don’t argue, don’t get into it.

See them only when necessary and let whatever they are doing or saying that you view as Bad Behaviour to slide off you like water off a duck’s back.

You can’t control what they are like. You can control whether it affects you. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

This 💯

Your dc need to see you having boundaries. Would you encourage them to forge friendships with cunts?. In time hopefully your dc will cut ties with them. Your dh is a sap..

OK different perspective on this.

When you marry someone you take on their family, like it or not. You become part of theirs and they become part of yours. Your mother in law is your kids' grandmother, etc etc. So I don't agree you can just refuse to see them, nice though it would be to do so.

Honestly I'd say just ignore it. Call it out. If she has a go at you about what you're wearing just calmly reflect it back at her, refuse to take the bait. Calling out can be things like calmly saying 'you seem very upset. Why is that, really?' or 'you clearly want to have an argument with someone, but I suggest you argue with someone else as I'm not arguing with anyone today'. Like Michelle Obama says, when they go low, you go high.

Sorry I know this will take superhuman levels of strength and it sounds like you're already been doing it for 30 years. But families are hard. And over the longterm, limiting, deflecting and diffusing is easier than maintaining a family rift. On your deathbed you and your family will be glad you kept the peace x

Just reversing that though, I don't think I'd teach my kids to marry someone and then say they don't like their family and don't want to have anything to do with them. My kids are boys and actually if they did do that, I'd be worried it was the start of coercive control, trying to separate a woman from her family (not saying this is the case here, OP has clearly been doing her best for 30 years).

My point being, marriage isn't just between two people. It's the joining of two families.

I didn't like my fil. Just avoid seeing yr sil and fil as much as you possibly can. Don't feel bad. I have not gone to social occasions to avoid them. Sometimes going no contact is yje only way. Don't apologise just say no.

I have a SIL like tgat... lies sbd lives to put people down.. I've found the best way to deal with her and others making snidey comments is to laugh. Heartily and immediately laugh loud and long. Takes the wind right out of their sails!!

On your deathbed you and your family will be glad you kept the peace

I’m from a family with incest. DH’s father physically assaulted and abused MIL in every way for decades while they were young. We seem to get off scot free when the emotional manipulation is being dished out about hanging around the abusers because the abuse we experienced is deemed bad enough for most (not all) people to not spout dismissive, rationalising comments to us. The mantra of abusers is “it is all in the past” the mantra of enablers can be “Can’t you just keep the peace?”

Whose peace exactly is being kept? it doesn’t sound peaceful for the OP. Do only emotional abusers and their enablers deserve peace? Does the OP not deserve peace?