How to handle my poor relationship with SIL?

[50AndOverIt]

Just looking for advice here on how to handle my relationship with my SIL.

We are both in our 50’s and have known each other since early 20’s when I met my DH. She is the only one of my SIL’s I have animosity with.

I’m not saying it is all her, I am sure my behaviour has not been perfect, but I just don’t like her. This SIL has the largest sense of entitlement I have ever met in my life, and thrives on drama and I just can’t be doing with it. A few years ago when I pulled her up on her behaviour, my PIL went mad at me. My FIL hates me now. I just don’t understand her behaviour. We went to a wedding last year, and I got dressed up. She got annoyed at what I was wearing and said that it wasn’t my family getting married, and why had I gone to such effort as no one will be looking at me as I am not family (nice high street dress, hair GHD curled on end, no big deal). This is the kind of shit I have to put up with. It is very much blocking me from the family and it has gone on for 30 years.

At my age, I just don’t need this crap.

What I want is to see my PIL when I have to, and NEVER see my SIL (and her annoying partner) but it is very difficult as my PIL always ask that we extend the invitation to her and her DP too.

My DH is free to go see his DSis anytime he likes. In fact, he has loads of free time when I am not around to do this, but he doesn’t.

I need some tips on how to handle this relationship? Also, AIBU to be like this with her? I don’t want any argument with her, or animosity, I just want to be left in peace.

What has changed here is that I am now post menopausal and I refuse to let anyone off with bad behaviour in my presence. If I carry on seeing her, I know I am going to let rip.

This is the wonderful thing about being over 50 and all the meno-related things. We start refusing to take any shit from anyone.

Your FIL and SIL can go fuck themselves.

Disengage. Do your own thing. Wipe them from your mind.

Your DH can continue to do whatever he likes with his family. Meanwhile you can go and have lunch with friends, or potter around the shops, or anything else you fancy.

You should definitely distance yourself from this toxicity. Who the fuck do they think they are? I've had sooooo many problems with my in laws over the past year and have decided now to stay away and let them get on with it. You should do the same for your own wellbeing.

It's up to you, you're not obliged to meet with them if they're so rude to you. DH can meet them separately and just say you're busy. No drama of you're not nice to her etc you just have other and by implication better things to do.

When you have to see them keep conversation pleasant but minimal. Any comment on how you dress etc you can either walk off and say OK just realised I need to do x. Or say the rules of a wedding are don't upstage the bride, the bride looks stunning. Its rude to criticise how people dress.

But yes its a shame people can't be civil.

They sound like a toxic family. Just don't see them. Let your DH go see them when he wants to, they're his family not yours 🤷‍♀️ no way would I spend time with anyone who is rude to me.

So your FIL hates you, your MIL bitches about everyone and your SIL is a twat and you want to know how you can see your FIL and MIL without seeing your SIL?

Just stop seeing them. You don't have to say you're not going to, just always be busy. Perhaps every year you could call in for half an hour and that will remind you not to do it again in a hurry.

never met my FIL but loathed my MIL and most of my other inlaws so... i didn't bother visiting them. my DH did, with the DCs, but also not super often. No loss from any of our lives.

Your in laws are toxic and you are completely wrong if you think YOU have to see them.
Tell your weak useless husband that he is 100% responsible for seeing his side and facilitating his childrens contact with his family, but you are no longer interested in being involved.
You are a part of the drama by seeing them.
Stop it. You owe them nothing.

She sounds very narcissistic and personally I would have nothing to do with her. Lives too short. You can control who bothers you. Don't give her room in your thoughts and focus on people that matter. That are kind and respectful to you. I don't speak to my MIL or SIL due to narcissistic behaviour. I cant be in the same room as them and I feel much better for cutting ties with them. My husband has a relationship with them which is fine as long as it is away from me. So it can work.

Cannot stand my in-laws, especially my sil and fil (absolutely two of a racist, homophobic, self-centred, gobby kind there!) and the feeling is mutual so we don't see each other and haven't done for a lot of years now.
Dh goes to see them on his own once in a blue moon and that suits all of us!
You are under no obligation to do anything or see anyone you don't want to!

My ex mil once told me my fil rapes her. They slept in seperate rooms and he would climb into her bed at night and force himself on her. She was crying when she told me this, which was at the grave of her son and my deceased DH. I was 29 (he died young in an accident) she chose to stay with him because 'she didn't want to lose her lovely house'. I have NC with any of them now. I just don't want to be involved. Choose your own peace/path. The older you get, the more you pull away from negative people who drain you. Life is short. Limit contact as much as possible and explain to DH why. He can see them on his own.

At your age you don't need the crap, so don't put up with the crap. It's not complicated. Just don't see her, and if pil want to extend an invitation to all of you including her, just decline it.

Is he a sap, he has reduced his contact with his toxic family, it’s the op who is trying to have a relationship with them. It’s pointless trying to lay down boundaries with toxic people-as they’ll see it as a challenge

I have a difficult relationship with my SIL. We probably dislike each other in equal amounts. I find being around her very uncomfortable. She has said numerous things to me over the years and after Christmas I decided the best thing for my own wellbeing was to go no contact with her. The only contact we have is on the wider family WhatsApp group, but I don’t respond to her posts and vice versa. If DH posts a picture of DD she is all over it, but if I do the same she won’t acknowledge.

DH and I have had many a heated debate about SIL, but half term I refused for the first time to travel the 6 hours to go and visit. I get on ok with PIL but just have no desire to see SIL as she will end up upsetting me in some way.

why put yourself through it? I wouldn’t want to force a relationship with somebody like that.

You don’t have to do anything, you just stop making any arrangements to see PIL and SIL.

Your DH can go see them if he cares but doesn’t appear to want to do that, it is not your job to facilitate that.

Im going to make a massive assumption and guess that your DC are adults (or late teens) and are capable of maintaining their own relationships with their grandparents so you don’t have to do it for them either.

if you don’t want drama but know you will create it by “pulling SIL up on her behaviour” just stay away from the situation.

My in laws are a pain, luckily they live far away so we see them very rarely but when we do it’s an intense 3 weeks.
have you tried ignoring silly comments and just getting on with your own thing?
it seems like you are giving her the reaction she’s looking for.
don't pull her up on her behaviour, just ignore it. You can set a boundary which involves walking away rather than challenging her.
you’re not going to change her by confronting her. You’re going to end up giving her a reason to act like the victim and paint you as the baddie.
at the wedding for example why not just ignore her comment and go and sit with other people after the meal?

Nothing you can do will ever please this woman, or your PILs by the sound of it. So why bother trying? This can be your ticket to freedom.

You say your PILs always push for any invitation to be extended to SIL. But are they, or she, happy when that happens? Or does SIL spend the whole day sniping while you walk on eggshells, and your PILs sneer about how they had to practically beg their son’s stuck-up wife to invite his own sister? Because my betting is that it’s the latter. If you don’t invite her, they’ll moan - but given that they’ll still moan if you do, why not make yourself happy (in the knowledge you’ll never make them happy)?

She’s not going to change after 20-odd years. Accept that and save yourself the hassle of trying to make peace.

All of this OP. Let your husband, who wants to avoid drama and doesn't seem to do much to support you, deal with anything to do with his parents and sister. If he invites them over, he does all the prep, cooking etc for them and anything else you currently take responsibility for, including arranging for your children to have a relationship with them. Currently it seems you're the one with the mental load, etc and you're the one getting the worst of them. 🌹

Drop the rope with them. Putting up and shutting up with arseholes just hurts you and can eventually make you quite unwell.
If you don’t like them, don’t see them. Life is too short to have to put yourself through it with them. Only toxic people expect you to put up with abusive or hurtful situations because ‘they’re family’.

What I want is to see my PIL when I have to, and NEVER see my SIL

Your SIL may well be saying the same about you, too, OP!

I feel for you, I really couldn't bear my DP's younger sister and her husband. I didn't go to family things if they were going and would make excuses and DP would go alone. We never invited them here. I think I only saw them a couple of times a year and it was always at events that were big enough for me not to have to engage with them. (Thankfully, they now live on the other side of the world, so it's not an issue.)

Your PILs and DH shouldn't expect you to host them imo. I wouldn't have someone who was as rude as your SIL sounds as a guest in my house.