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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wanting dp to be the least bit bloody interested...????

28 replies

WombFor1More · 06/04/2008 09:47

In this pregnancy?? I'm so bloody angry with him.

I say various things to him and at the most I get "that's nice"

This morning for example I felt bubba move about for the first time. I said "ooh there's a little person moving around!"

His response "yeah?" Then he farted really loud and spent next 5mins talking about that!! Oh excuse me for thinking his baby was more important than an F'ing fart

So now I'm sitting here all hormonal and on the verge of tears and extremely peed off that he's just spoilt something I was really excited about

OP posts:
hecate · 06/04/2008 09:52

Have you told him? - told him, not yelled! "I am confused because you don't seem to be excited about this stuff. Are you ok?" He may have some big worries on his mind. My husband, once I became pregnant, became quite anxious about the responsibility, the finances, worrying about me and would I be ok - the reality of impending fatherhood hit him!

hecate · 06/04/2008 09:53
  • oh and the same second time round - the extra responsibility, extra financial, would we cope with 2, how would ds1 be, would I be ok.....it can be quite hard for them.

Anyway, clear communication in a non-confrontational way is key.

Original poster
WombFor1More · 06/04/2008 09:54

He just asked what was wrong so I told him, not yelled !!

He said he is interested but it's not like he can feel it/have anything to do with it really so what's he supposed to do/say?

Hmmm a bit of joy on his face wouldn't go amiss.....

OP posts:
Original poster
WombFor1More · 06/04/2008 09:55

This is number 4 but only his 2nd! Maybe the novelty wore off the 1st time around though?

OP posts:
hecate · 06/04/2008 10:00

well, it is a bit 'been there, done that'. And I don't know about you, but I wasn't as excited with my second, because I'd already experienced it. - I mean I love him as much, but the whole being pregnant thing was just .... being pregnant the second time round. 1st time I yelled "ARRGGHH OOOOHHOHHH I felt the baby move". 2nd time I felt the flutter and thought, "that's the baby, hi there."

As long as he gives you lots of tlc and falls in love with the baby when it's born - why not give the poor guy a break, y'hormonal beastie!

Now a message to him from me - GO MAKE HER A CUPPA!!!

ellideb · 06/04/2008 10:02

wombfor1more it is sometimes hard for men to relate to what you are going through because it is not happening to them, they can't see anything, feel anything, there's nothing tangible for them to experience as there is for you, yet. wait until he can feel the kicks then he might feel more connected to the little baby growing inside you. there's no harm in him being a little more supportive though, maybe you could buy him a book about pregnancy thats aimed at men so that he's a little more involved and knows what is expected for him? i'm sure he will come into his own for you when things are a bit more visible and physical, it's not unusual for men to respond/feel like this at this stage.

Original poster
WombFor1More · 06/04/2008 10:02

LOL!! You're right. Thinking more hormonal witch now rather than being unreasonable

Think that cup of hot chocs on it's way though, thanks

OP posts:
bobsyouruncle · 06/04/2008 10:06

my dh was like this too during both my pregnancies, I think it was a combination of it wasn't happening to him, and the fact that he just isn't someone who talks about his feelings. It can be hurtful though. Of course he adores our dc now!

AussieSim · 06/04/2008 10:54

I like to joke that DH doesn't bond with his babies until they can say Papa or kick him a ball. Fairly normal father-to-be reaction I would say. Now I am 33 weeks with DC3 (our first girl) he seems more interested. Plus he can actually see when she moves. When my second pregnancy started out as twins he hardly spoke for 2 weeks till they confirmed that the 2nd had 'vanished' - he was so worried about the prospect of twins - just human I guess.

Original poster
WombFor1More · 18/05/2008 11:23

Ha, turns out I was right after all. He doesn't want this baby. Never has apperently. Great. Single mum of soon to be 4 coming right up

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 18/05/2008 11:35

Woah! What's happened?
You ok?

takemyMILoffmyhands · 18/05/2008 11:42

What?????

Are you ok???

whats going on????

Confidentialnamechanger · 18/05/2008 11:49

how sad for you, naturally he is an idiot

you can do it.

Original poster
WombFor1More · 18/05/2008 11:53

Not really ok tbh. Basically throughout this preg he has changed his mind every 5mins, doesn't want baby, then saying he didn't mean that he's just scared about everything, fair enough but so am I!

Anyway he has taken NO interest at all in anything to do with me being preg or this baby. Even when I paid for a private scan a few weeks ago, thinking maybe it would give him a kick up the bum if we knew what it was, turns out he's about to have his 1st son, even that made no difference at all. He won't talk about it, when I do he just glazes over and most I get is "great" or a grunt.

Last night I highlighted to him the way I am feeling about his severe lack of interest. He said "you're right I haven't been interested. At most I've given it about 1%"

I asked why, he couldn't really answer so I answered for him. The way I see it is that he isn't interested because he doesn't want another child. At the beginning of this preg he wanted me to abort, even though a few weeks before this had been his idea but then when reality kicked in he relised his mistake. So now he wants to carry on like "normal"

How am I supposed to do that. I am feeling extremely resentful towards him atm seeing as I didn't particulally want a 4th child to begin with anyway. Now I feel he has totally ruined what is to most definately be my last pregnancy. Everytime I feel baby move I wish he wouldn't just so I too can pretend this isn't happening. Am I supposed to just not mention it again? What about when he is born? What if OH doesn't want to know then either??

He says he loves me and wants this to work but I am seriously doubting the likelyhood of that happening.

So there it is. Looks like it will just be me and the kids

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 18/05/2008 12:03

would you consider counselling?
sorry you're going through this

RainyWednesday · 18/05/2008 12:05

Jesus. I'm so sorry. He sounds horribly confused and I'm not surprised you're feeling resentful.

How is he with his first child? Was he more enthusiastic once she had been born than he was when you were PG?

It sounds as though he could do with talking to someone to sort out in his own head what on earth it is he wants. He also sounds like he has some growing up to do!

Heated · 18/05/2008 12:07

Could it be that each of you is expecting the other to be their 'rock' and reassure each other that it's all going to be fine? And in not getting that confirmation, you're both allowing your worries to feed each others, iyswim?

VictorianSqualor · 18/05/2008 12:10

Oh bollocks.
TBH, with my last baby(DS2 is 4weeks) I didn't get particularly excited during the pregnancy, nor did dp, i find it's quite hard to get too excited about something that doesn't really seem real iyswim, especially when you have real life going on around you.
Is there anything else he is preoccupied with?

Original poster
WombFor1More · 18/05/2008 12:15

I don't think counselling will make a blind bit of difference. It won't make him want the baby. He isn't preoccupied with anything else either. All was fine until I got preg. I think he has realised he truly made a mistake thinking he did want another baby and now there is nothing he can do about it he is pretending it's not heppening.

With dd he wasn't particularlly interested in the preg but I'd say a million times more than he has been with this one. He is great with dd and my 2 ds. I don't think anything is going to change no matter what I say or do. You can't make somebody want something can you? x

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 18/05/2008 12:21

No, but this baby is a nonentity to him at the moment, it's not actually here, he cant see it, or feel it and I imagine it's pretty boring for a fella when their other half is pg!
Things could all change when baby is born, it's a huge difference holding and meeting your baby for the first time to going through pregnancy, which I'm sure being on your fourth you're only too aware of!

Lulumama · 18/05/2008 12:26

why doesn;t he want the baby? financial worries? too much change to lifestyle? or just can't be bothered? you say he wanted you to terminate, but obviously at some point he changed his mind

you have to communicate about this , sooner rather than later, as the baby is going to be coming , and whether you stay together or not, he is still duty bound to support you and the children.

very sorry you aer in this situation

Original poster
WombFor1More · 18/05/2008 12:27

But even at scans and now you can feel and see the baby moving he won't even take interest or at least try

I don't know. Will just have to stick it out, pretend all is ok and see what happens.

Only other option is to go it alone, not a thought I relish.

OP posts:
Original poster
WombFor1More · 18/05/2008 12:29

Lulumama - he didn't change his mind about not wanting it. I told him I wasn't going to get rid of our child purly because he had changed his mind about wanting it.

OP posts:
Heated · 18/05/2008 12:31

For some men I think, pgs are hard to get involved with as it isn't happening to them. Whilst fascinating for me, I could at times see dh's eyes start to glaze over and really I could understand, there's more to our lives than just me being up the duff. Dh would also say in worried tones, that the 2nd one wouldn't be as special as none of it would be new.

But just give your dh a chance. The reality for him will probably begin when you're in labour and when he has an actual son in his arms. It's very a very powerful feeling. Cos some men are rubbish at imagining and you just present them with the fait accompli.

Btw, dd (no 2) has dh just where she wants him and he delights in every new thing she does.

Lulumama · 18/05/2008 12:37

so his position has not changed.

what do you want to happen? do you want him to stay and make a go of things, or is this a deal breaker? obviuously, things could change when the baby arrives, or they might not.. do you have good support , friends, family etc..

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