To be pissed of for DH interrupting me while I'm working

[Cryingatthegym]

DH and I both work 4 days and have 1 day each at home with our 2 toddlers a week. He goes into the office for all 4 of his days out of choice, whereas I WFH on a rota, so sometimes I'm at home on his day with the kids. He seems to think that because I'm in the house I'm available to help out with childcare and housework, and it's really starting to piss me off.

This morning I started working at 8 because I'm really busy and have deadlines to meet (he knows this), and at about 8.40 he came in and asked if I could go downstairs and watch the kids for '10 or 15 minutes' while he had a poo. I said no and he asked me what he was supposed to do. I replied asking him how he thinks I manage on my day at home when he's in the office, and he left the room in a huff.

He's taken them out now but I'm sat here still annoyed about it. I hate WFH on his day with them anyway because the noise and mess levels are insane, so I do try to go out if I can, but the library doesn't open til 9am and there's only so long I can work in a coffee shop before I start feeling rude.

AIBU?!

@SummerFeverVenice you must be much better at concentrating than me! Him interrupting completely killed my focus, although I acknowledge that is probably because it irritated me so much

It seems its because you do errands etc on your break you are not reinforcing the message that when you are working you are working and it's a working day for you. Start to be more assertive about the fact you are working, need peace and space to get on and he needs to just get on with handling the dcs until you finish for the day.

Possibly the irritation and tbf I would feel that irritation too.

The shoe has been on the other foot in my case. I have been home with the DC while DH does a WFH day at the bottom of the garden in the summer house. I have desperately needed to go to the toilet or get a shower before I head out to work (kids can get all kinds of mess on you and in your hair) and I have asked him to take a 10min break and keep an eye on the DC for me.

Yes I could manage without, but I would be anxious the whole time as to their safety.

Asking him was so I can have peace of mind the kids are not unsupervised while I am in the bathroom. Small kids can get into serious trouble in 2 minutes, and Sod’s Law is that it would happen the one time you take your eyes off them for a dash to the toilet or a quick shower.

So yes, it is irritating and I wouldn’t let my partner abuse this, as I always only asked my partner when I genuinely had a need for ten minutes from him.

Actions speak louder than words.

Don't bother with a lock for your door, just get a small doorstop wedge and wedge the door shut. Don't answer any questions.

Overall, don't feel bad about separating work and home. It's the feeling bad about sticking to your guns that's gets so many of us doing more than our fair share.

If you are consistent and ignore any comments, he will eventually settle down.

Should you have to do it this way - No. do you, well, yes until he stops being a dick.

And that at some level he is relying on this.

Don't allow him to 'win' It's really really important to maintain your boundaries

@FinallyHere

You talk about the situation like it is a war between the sexes. With boundaries for borders and language of ‘don’t allow him to win’

A partnership or marriage with kids is a team effort, it’s not a conflict where partners are at war.

I don’t think having zero flexibility and refusing to assist now and then or even answer to a quick question when reasonable is conducive to a successful outcome for all. Not in a job, not in a business, and certainly not in a friendship or marriage or when coparenting.

It’s best to support each other so long as no one is taking advantage or taking something for granted.

God how annoying. Your work is simply Not As Important.

MI5 approach - a secret camera / movement detector in the hall, whip your headphones on, and start talking very intently, typing frantically, lots of 'uh huh, I see, that sounds very challenging'

Practice a frantic 'shhh ... No ... This is urgent ...' expression and hand movements as he comes in.

'Say again, sorry, you cut out there, let me just take this down ...'

We should have a Mumsnet script for interrupting DHs we can all dive into to run when the demands start.

I'm just wondering something about men and pooing.

If all men genuinely need 15 minutes to poo, why aren't the queues outside of men's toilets huge?

Most men won’t poo in a public toilet, they save it up for home. Which is probably why it takes so long at home. They must do long poo snakes.

Fair enough, @SummerFeverVenice I would agree if OP's was describing a level playing field. My reading was that he is not available at all on her day looking after their DC but is absolutely expecting her support during his day.

How would you ensure a successful reset of expectation?

Since he doesn't already appreciate the unfairness, I would not waste my time in discussions and absolutely use actions rather than words. Simples.

I don’t think having zero flexibility and refusing to assist now and then or even answer to a quick question when reasonable is conducive to a successful outcome for all. Not in a job, not in a business, and certainly not in a friendship or marriage or when coparenting.

Neither do I, and at other times when work has been less manic I have and would be happy to be more flexible. But I'm overloaded at work at the moment (have a full time caseload on part time hours) and I'm running behind or dangerously close to behind on several deadlines due to a shorter than usual/broken week thanks to the bank holiday and the kids being ill. He knows all this.

It might also be worth mentioning that he went to a wedding several hours away on Wednesday leaving me juggling work and 2 sick kids by myself. Again under normal circumstances I would have taken unpaid leave but I just have so much work on right now.

I've just headed out to the library at roughly the time I thought they'd be home. Crosssed paths with them coming in and said hello to the older toddler as he was coming in the door. Didn't see the youngest as he was still getting him out of the car. DH then called me back from halfway down the street (!) and had a go at me with some weird guilt trip about not acknowledging my children (I did!) and how scary that is and it must mean I don't miss them. When I reiterated that I'm working he said 'but you're not working right now'

Fuck me.

As an aside there's more screaming kids at the library than there is at home lol. Really starting to think the office is my best bet.

My reading was that he is not available at all on her day looking after their DC but is absolutely expecting her support during his day.

I read that was because he is always in the office on those days. The OP does say it is ‘by choice’ but also that her WFH is on a rota. I don’t know if her DH has flexibility to have a WFH day on a day she isn’t working that isn’t a consistent same day of the week?

If he can, then mirror image would prove that he would support her the same by covering a bathroom break, but as it is we don’t know how he would treat OP if the situation were reversed.

I’d still tell OP to treat her DH how she would like to be treated if the situation were reversed so that if it does happen there isn’t an expectation of you have to deal with everything and can’t ask for a ten minute bathroom break because she has set that herself as the one WFH previously.

I don’t know if her DH has flexibility to have a WFH day on a day she isn’t working that isn’t a consistent same day of the week?

DH has fully flexible working and can decide where and when he works with no obligation to be in the office. He chooses to work in the office every day as he has ADHD and can't focus at home. Yet I'm expected to be able to focus AND multitask my work with helping and being interrupted by him.

Argh!!!

@Cryingatthegym
I am sorry to hear that work is a lot right now. I hope the workload will stabilise. Is there any chance of working overtime for TOIL?

(I wouldn’t frame a need stemming from a disability as a choice.)

Perhaps you have ADHD too and should also do your days in the office?
Women tend to be missed until they hit burnout from the overload.

I don't think I have ADHD, just too much on my plate and not enough hours in the day. As well as working 4 days I'm also studying part time and have 3 kids. So not much window of opportunity for overtime to be honest. My work is the kind that ebbs and flows, and the expectation is that you have to knuckle down when needed. Hopefully it eases up soon.

I remember a few months back, the consensus on a similar thread was that a complete bastard for working from home while OP was with on her day off from the office with the kids.

I didn't agree with that stance, so I'm on your side OP. Just a funny observation about the hive mind.

God this would drive me bonkers and he is clearly still annoyed at you saying no with the guilt trip!

You can get really good noise cancelling ear buds a few in my office use them as large open plan area.

It's worth a conversation though (not today as will probably end in an argument) about respecting boundaries and when wfh your expected to work therefore you can chat when your on breaks but otherwise its do not disturb.

You need a traffic light system. We did this when we had no choice but to work 3m away from each other for the whole of lockdown.

Green= not doing anything, happy to chat aimlessly and look at random videos
Amber= working, but can talk briefly about, for example, what’s for lunch or whether we need anything from the shop
Red= concentrating or on a call, don’t interrupt me unless it’s really important
Do not Disturb= on a sensitive call to a VIP- the house better be on fire

We used to have little signs on our desks, but stuck on the outside of the door would be even better, if you have a separate room.

Unfortunate typo/omission:

the consensus on a similar thread was that DH was a complete bastard

Yeah I've heard that men decide they're going for a shit and they just sit there until it decides to drop out. Someone should do a study.

Wow. The things you learn on MN. I've been married for 40 years and did not know this. I just thought it was a quirk of DH's.

This is genius thank you, I love it. May genuinely implement it!

i have a colleague who puts a tie on when he can’t be disturbed.so his wife and kids know if they see the tie, they can’t talk to him. So he will be in t shirt and joggers or whatever and just loop the tie over his neck. Its stuck and his kids from a very young age didn’t come near if the tie was on.

His attitude has the whiff of "you are first and foremost a service human and I am de facto more important, how dare you assume otherwise" about it. I hope I'm wrong, but he wouldn't be the first man who got his nose out of joint for the simple reason his wife was behaving like a well-rounded human being with responsibilities outside of the role of wife and mother.