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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am leaving my relationship and pregnant

39 replies

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 07:12

I am now aware that this should have happened sooner. I have been in my current relationship for 4 years. In the beginning things were amazing my partner was my best friend. I understand in a relationship you make compromises and I have done that. Problem with that was I'm was trying to set boundaries way too late. My partner has lived with his grandparents since we met. He came to visit weekly and I was always ok with it. A lot of things he did I was uncomfortable with, but I never spoke up about it until a couple months ago.

The very things that I have asked him not to do he continues to do. So we don't argue I sometimes just say nothing. The past 4 weeks I have had very bad nausea so I'm not able to do much. I'm not sure when he's coming or when he's leaving I just would like to know. Today I really haven't been feeling well so I asked if he was visiting today if so could he come tomorrow... I was so very wrong for thinking that was a harmless thing to say. He asked me why and I told him why. Then he began raising his voice and swearing at me. I let him know I did not want to argue and he kept going. I got upset because I usually let him come whenever he wants, but with me being sick and not really having much time to myself I figured I could just ask him to come a day later.

Sadly this is not the first time. He recently suggested moving in and I told him how that would not work for us at the moment. He got upset with that as well Just a little more info I pay all the bills, do all the cooking etc. some days I just wanna lay and do nothing. The conversation ended with him telling me that I can have all the time I need and to not call/text him. The only reason I asked him to come a day later was just to relax and have some alone time. We would have still talked on the phone, but he didn't want to hear that.

After first I was angry that he responded that way now I'm thinking I'm crazy and walking away from this relationship to focus on me and my baby is what's best.

OP posts:
JLT24 · 31/05/2024 07:16

Why is he so bothered about coming a day later?

What else has he done that’s giving you reason to end the relationship?

I don’t agree with you not talking to him. That is an emotionally abusive tactic. But he also should not be shouting at you.

StormingNorman · 31/05/2024 07:20

I think you both need to talk about how you picture raising a child together and set your expectations for living together some or all of the time.

It all sounds very fluid and unpredictable which would drive me nuts too. I agree you need those boundaries.

I wouldn’t see this argument as a breaking up issue. But you do need a conversation.

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 07:21

JLT24 · 31/05/2024 07:16

Why is he so bothered about coming a day later?

What else has he done that’s giving you reason to end the relationship?

I don’t agree with you not talking to him. That is an emotionally abusive tactic. But he also should not be shouting at you.

He's been disrespectful to me a lot and telling me that he would change. But I see no change.

OP posts:
JLT24 · 31/05/2024 07:24

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 07:21

He's been disrespectful to me a lot and telling me that he would change. But I see no change.

Don’t tolerate it. And don’t respond to his toxic behaviour with more toxic behaviour because you have a child together now and it won’t be good for them. I hope you can work out the split amicably.

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 07:32

@JLT24 I won't I really hated the conversation went the way it did. I honestly felt like it was a harmless question.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 31/05/2024 07:35

I find it strange that you have been together 4 years but don’t live together. Does he know you are pregnant?

RaininSummer · 31/05/2024 07:38

It's an odd relationship to bring a child into and perhaps now is the time to have that conversation about what the future looks like if you stay together. Living apart for no essential reason is a bit dysfunctional and stressful when you have a child. Does he work?

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 07:40

crumblingschools · 31/05/2024 07:35

I find it strange that you have been together 4 years but don’t live together. Does he know you are pregnant?

We tried it in the past and it didn't work and yes he knows.

OP posts:
gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 07:41

RaininSummer · 31/05/2024 07:38

It's an odd relationship to bring a child into and perhaps now is the time to have that conversation about what the future looks like if you stay together. Living apart for no essential reason is a bit dysfunctional and stressful when you have a child. Does he work?

He just quit his job.

OP posts:
Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 31/05/2024 07:42

How pregnant are you? I really think the relationship sounds like it needs to end. It does not sound like a functioning, healthy adult relationship with a future.

Raise your child away from the awful setup.

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 31/05/2024 07:42

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 07:41

He just quit his job.

Oh wow.

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 07:45

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 31/05/2024 07:42

How pregnant are you? I really think the relationship sounds like it needs to end. It does not sound like a functioning, healthy adult relationship with a future.

Raise your child away from the awful setup.

10 weeks

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 31/05/2024 07:47

Do you really want to be linked to this man forever? Not only will you need to coparent but you'll find it harder to find a good relationship as you already have a child, your ex can object to you moving, going on holiday ... think carefully, you are only 10 weeks.

Slobberchops1 · 31/05/2024 07:50

God you are going to be stuck with this loser for the next 18 years . What a mess to bring a child into

crumblingschools · 31/05/2024 07:50

How did you think parenting was going to work if you didn’t live together? You will now be linked to him through your child

CheeseWisely · 31/05/2024 07:54

Together 4 years, don't live together (having unsuccessfully tried) and he visits once a week on his terms if I'm reading that right?

You mention paying all the bills, but presumably he pays his own bills where he lives? Or does he sponge off his Grandparents? Why has he quit his job?

Honestly it sounds like a less than ideal set-up to bring a baby into even without the arguing and sulking. Agreeing with a previous poster I'd be having serious thoughts about a) whether this is the best start in life you can give a child and b) being tied to him for the rest of your life.

RaininSummer · 31/05/2024 07:59

Not a great time or situation to have a child then I feel. Think carefully as this will set the pattern of your life.

Catza · 31/05/2024 08:03

Personally, I would leave him AND wouldn't continue with the pregnancy. I found myself in a similar situation where relationship deteriorated in early pregnancy and I had to think long and hard whether I can actually handle the scenario where I will have the person I no longer respect in my life for eternity. I terminated and have never regretted my decision.

Happyddays · 31/05/2024 08:09

He's a nasty disrespectful loser and you think its a good idea to have a child and be stuck with him for 18+ years?
What a mess to bring a child into.
Re think this pregnancy and get away from him.
He's a waster and he will bring you nothing but stress if you have this baby.
You deserve better than a loser.

Remember if you have a baby in this area where he lives, he can prevent you EVER leaving. You are making life so hard for yourself.

Wordsmithery · 31/05/2024 08:30

This sounds more like a friends-with-occasional -benefits set up (with a good dose of toxicity thrown in) than a healthy adult relationship. And certainly not a situation to inflict on a baby.
Get out of the relationship, and you then need to figure out, together, how you're going to coparent effectively.

WitchyBits · 31/05/2024 08:36

Do you REALLY want this man in your life FOREVER, in your child's life? Can you imagine handing your baby over to him for 50% of the time? Or do you expect he will be the type of father that will disappear into the sunset?

In your shoes I would be having an abortion and telling him it was a miscarriage and running as far from him as possible. I wouldn't want this waste of space in my life at all, let Alone be having his baby

yellowsmileyface · 31/05/2024 08:51

If you've tried living together in the past and it hasn't worked, then you're obviously not compatible and you shouldn't be having a child together.

It seems the dynamic between you two is incredibly unhealthy and toxic, and bringing a child into the mix is going to exacerbate it exponentially.

Can I ask how old you are?

Bluevelvetsofa · 31/05/2024 08:57

He Isn’t in employment; are you? You say there are times when you just want to lie on the sofa and do nothing. Are you signed off sick?

This doesn’t sound like a sound basis for bringing a child into the world for either or both of you. I think you should seriously consider alternatives to your relationship and the pregnancy.

Outnumbered83 · 31/05/2024 09:52

What a very strange set up, even more so because you’re having a child with an absolute loser.
Who will be supporting the child financially? How did you foresee this working once the child is born?

Allshallbewell2021 · 31/05/2024 10:02

Not two babies at once plz No