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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am leaving my relationship and pregnant

39 replies

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 07:12

I am now aware that this should have happened sooner. I have been in my current relationship for 4 years. In the beginning things were amazing my partner was my best friend. I understand in a relationship you make compromises and I have done that. Problem with that was I'm was trying to set boundaries way too late. My partner has lived with his grandparents since we met. He came to visit weekly and I was always ok with it. A lot of things he did I was uncomfortable with, but I never spoke up about it until a couple months ago.

The very things that I have asked him not to do he continues to do. So we don't argue I sometimes just say nothing. The past 4 weeks I have had very bad nausea so I'm not able to do much. I'm not sure when he's coming or when he's leaving I just would like to know. Today I really haven't been feeling well so I asked if he was visiting today if so could he come tomorrow... I was so very wrong for thinking that was a harmless thing to say. He asked me why and I told him why. Then he began raising his voice and swearing at me. I let him know I did not want to argue and he kept going. I got upset because I usually let him come whenever he wants, but with me being sick and not really having much time to myself I figured I could just ask him to come a day later.

Sadly this is not the first time. He recently suggested moving in and I told him how that would not work for us at the moment. He got upset with that as well Just a little more info I pay all the bills, do all the cooking etc. some days I just wanna lay and do nothing. The conversation ended with him telling me that I can have all the time I need and to not call/text him. The only reason I asked him to come a day later was just to relax and have some alone time. We would have still talked on the phone, but he didn't want to hear that.

After first I was angry that he responded that way now I'm thinking I'm crazy and walking away from this relationship to focus on me and my baby is what's best.

OP posts:
gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 13:10

CheeseWisely · 31/05/2024 07:54

Together 4 years, don't live together (having unsuccessfully tried) and he visits once a week on his terms if I'm reading that right?

You mention paying all the bills, but presumably he pays his own bills where he lives? Or does he sponge off his Grandparents? Why has he quit his job?

Honestly it sounds like a less than ideal set-up to bring a baby into even without the arguing and sulking. Agreeing with a previous poster I'd be having serious thoughts about a) whether this is the best start in life you can give a child and b) being tied to him for the rest of your life.

His grandparents basically do everything for him

OP posts:
gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 13:11

yellowsmileyface · 31/05/2024 08:51

If you've tried living together in the past and it hasn't worked, then you're obviously not compatible and you shouldn't be having a child together.

It seems the dynamic between you two is incredibly unhealthy and toxic, and bringing a child into the mix is going to exacerbate it exponentially.

Can I ask how old you are?

26

OP posts:
gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 13:11

Bluevelvetsofa · 31/05/2024 08:57

He Isn’t in employment; are you? You say there are times when you just want to lie on the sofa and do nothing. Are you signed off sick?

This doesn’t sound like a sound basis for bringing a child into the world for either or both of you. I think you should seriously consider alternatives to your relationship and the pregnancy.

I work full time

OP posts:
DontKnow1988 · 31/05/2024 13:23

Wow. End the relationship. And think long and hard about the pregnancy....not only will you be a single mother but he will use this baby to make your life a nightmare. He'll contribute nothing but will affect your life for the next 18 years. You won't be able to move away, change schools, he'll ruin weekends and holidays. Fuck that.

Summertimeinschool · 31/05/2024 13:41

If I was pregnant and struggling with morning sickness I'd be upset if my partner didn't want to live with me, and I'd want him there while I was feeling sick.

The fact that you don't want him there and don't want to live with him says a lot.

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 13:45

Summertimeinschool · 31/05/2024 13:41

If I was pregnant and struggling with morning sickness I'd be upset if my partner didn't want to live with me, and I'd want him there while I was feeling sick.

The fact that you don't want him there and don't want to live with him says a lot.

I refuse to pay the bills for us both again, until he steps up we will have to live separately.

OP posts:
EveningSpread · 31/05/2024 14:22

Did he quit his job before or after finding out you're pregnant?

If he can't pay bills or step up to be an adult, he doesn't sound like a good choice for a partner/father. What does he offer? It sounds like he can't even be pleasant.

I'd end the relationship - you deserve better. And I'd seriously consider the pregnancy - I wouldn't want to inflict a father like that on a child.

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 14:33

EveningSpread · 31/05/2024 14:22

Did he quit his job before or after finding out you're pregnant?

If he can't pay bills or step up to be an adult, he doesn't sound like a good choice for a partner/father. What does he offer? It sounds like he can't even be pleasant.

I'd end the relationship - you deserve better. And I'd seriously consider the pregnancy - I wouldn't want to inflict a father like that on a child.

He quit after finding out and I've been trying to help him find another job. I asked him to stop smoking pot and he's lied to me 5 times this month saying he would quit and hasn't. I can't help him out in that way anymore.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 31/05/2024 14:38

Why did you think he would make an ideal dad?

MotherJessAndKittens · 31/05/2024 14:42

Believe me he will not change only get worse. It’s not a healthy relationship to bring up a child in. You would be better without him honestly.

Roundroundthegarden · 31/05/2024 14:49

No one can help you OP. You are intent on keeping this loser and this baby. How do you read each post of yours and that not be bright red flags? You don't want to live with him, but you think sending your child to him would be better? Because that's what he will get and entitled to. Why subject your baby to a loser like this? Think long and hard. Very hard.

gabriellaaa · 31/05/2024 14:51

crumblingschools · 31/05/2024 14:38

Why did you think he would make an ideal dad?

Foolishly I believed what he told me. All the times he told me he'll help out more. Stop smoking and find work. I really believed him. I will not say I was young a dumb. I just really loved him and hope he would change.

OP posts:
ComfyButFrumpy · 31/05/2024 14:57

A jobless, nasty, pot smoking freeloader.
Excellent choice as father to your child.
What could possibly go wrong?

Op, you need to seriously consider your options while you still have time.

yellowsmileyface · 31/05/2024 15:43

until he steps up we will have to live separately.

He's not going to step up. You must realise that by now? He's already lied to you 5 times this month alone about quitting weed. He obviously has no intention of stepping up. Read just a few threads in the relationships board and you'll realise men never step up once a baby is born, if anything, they get progressively more useless and lazy.

You're still so young. At 26, you still have lots of time to find someone who will be both a partner and a father. Your current boyfriend is not that man.

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