Limited access to DCs living with us, should I be worried when OH and I seperate?

[Wanstronian]

My OH and I are separating and said that we would keep it friendly for the two DCs. This meant they could choose who to spend time with rather than on a rota. They will primarily staying with him due to work arrangements.
However while we are still all in the same house, OH makes plans to take them out (without me) all day Saturday and Sunday every weekend, the only time I have to see them as I work long hours.
I don’t think this is reasonable behaviour, nor does it give me confidence that when I do live apart from them I will actually see them.
I’m thinking I may need to formalise a rota given I feel excluded even now, although I don’t want to force the DCs.
AIBU? Has anyone had a similar experience?

That sounds incredibly selfish, is he likely to follow through with that?

How old are the DC?

Yes, you absolutely should have a formal arrangement. And don't let the current situation become the norm in the meantime.

How old are the DC?

I don’t know, but I’m sure there will always be a reason why they are busy. 13 and 15

Doesn't sound like he's "keeping it friendly" is he?

Did he take them out every weekend before this?
Can't you join them on these days out whilst still in same house?

those ages are so important (I suppose all are), but teenagers can naturally drift away from parents and id be doing everything I could to ensure I was maximising my time with them.
I absolutely wouldn’t stand for no weekend time.

Depending on their ages I would worry that allowing the DC to choose who to spend time with would cause them to worry that they are not spending enough time with one or other of you. Or they'd choose the one they feel least secure with to make sure that parent still loves them (from the DC's perspective).

Formal arrangement means noone has to choose.

I'd be worried that the way things are going your OH is gearing up to be the resident parent.

Have your teens already expressed a choice to mainly stay with him; it’s not clear what stage of the discussion you are at.

The children are entitled to time and space to have a relationship with you. And you are entitled to time with then. Would you propose mediation?

Did they go out with your OH every weekend before you decided on separation? This is a really important point because if it’s a recent thing it’s worrying.

@Wanstronian Have you told him how you feel? That him having them sat & sun means you only ever get to be telling them to do their homework and to get out of bed etc, whilst he gets to be Disney dad?

Usually takes them away when they’re in a mood with me so have the day sat by myself. Always a good excuse though, they need this etc.
Good point about putting pressure on them if not formalised. I’ll be close by and worried they will only come and stay if they’ve had an argument and will go back the next day, making me feel kind of used.

Also why on earth will he be getting primary custody? So he gets the child benefit payment?

You need to have a rota. He needs to be able to make plans with the children without worrying about you. You need to be able to do the same.

you could start by alternating who is responsible for the children every other weekend. That doesn’t mean the children can’t ask the other parent for something as that would be stressful for them.

It means that is the parent that gets up early, plans and makes all meals, does all major child related chores, and gets to plan any activities. That parent is also responsible for anything like friend birthday parties that pop up on those days. Obviously the primary parent for the weekend can’t leave the children without making child care arrangements either via the other parent or a sitter.

the other parent is in the house and interacts with the children, but they are on light duty for the weekend.

Formalise the rota, alternate weekends. It is cleaner for the kids with less emotional pressure.

we are separating in two months. Have told them, but things not really progressing fast. I will be local. Mediation is being talked about but hopefully can agree between us. I just don’t want to force them to have to be with me if they’d rather not.

Here’s a wacky idea… have you you spoken to you DC to see what they want?

In similar boat here. I would absolutely recommend a formal arrangement. Letting the children decide is too wishy washy. Children like structure and don't need the pressure of choosing. I would suggest 50/50, week on, week off (to save the faffing around in the week). On their week without you they could come for tea a couple of times.

Go to mediation. Separate rooms. If only to clarify your mind with someone independent without himself taking up space in your head.

What he is doing isn’t right. Your children are entitled to the time and space to develop a relationship with you as they grow up.

You need to fight for it and they need to see you fight for it. If they see you being passive (aka a deadbeat parent), they won’t thank you.

You do sound very passive. Your kids are likely to take that as you don’t love them that much.

Have they always mainly gone out at the weekends together, or has this just started because of the current situation? If it's the first- then nothing really has changed. If it's the second- he's alienating you from them in your own home in anticipation for what's coming. If you both took a day each at the weekend, what would be your plans with them? Who currently does all the 'scut' work- appointments, washing, lunches, clubs etc that actually keeps the house and then running?

Are you the husband? Or is your husbamd abusive to you?

Sorry for the assumptions but this post is so weird and passive i cannot imagine a mother is a non abusive marriage writing this.

At 13 and 15 they are full blown people who you've had over a decade of intertwined living... how are you accepting all this weirdness-and why are they?
Are you generally absent from their lives?
Do you generally not spend weekends with them?
Have you not asked your work/employer for temporary accommodations so you can be more present for your children?

So weird... i cannot imagine being this absent and passive at such a hard and critical time of my children's lives.

This. Your whole approach sounds quite odd. Are you close to your children?

It’s important to know what your kids want but they also need to know that they are a priority for each of you. Take their views into account but don’t make them
choose between you. Come up with a plan that works. For me, I couldn’t just go to weekends only after living with them full time. Plus he will want some weekend time with them too. You may have to be flexible with your working hours to accommodate them more.

making me feel kind of used.

This is very odd language/self centred viewpoint for a mother to use re: her 2 children whose parents are divorcing, one of whom is going through this in run up to gcses

The first part is odd too…. Your children are in a mood with you so often this is a thing?
Or your partner regularly takes the kids out when you two have argued?

At age 13 and 15 they will have a good idea of what they prefer to do and who they want to do it with. I'm assuming they want to go and do stuff at the weekend with their DF because they enjoy what he plans. Reading between the lines it sounds like you clash a lot with them if they are getting in a mood with you. Are your DC male or female?