To end this friendship

[whoopdedooo]

I recent had a big falling out with a friend.

Her behaviour was appalling and was directed at my child, needless the to say due to that the relationship was done immediately.

There is a mutual friend who is aware of the situation and all the details of what happened and who has continued to see me and other person.

Mutual friend is a very nice person and our children play nicely together.

However I'm struggling to get past the fact that she has made excuses for the other person following their behaviour towards my child and has continued to spend time with a person who assaulted my child.

As nice as she is I don't think I can continue to be friends with her. While it's nice to say I don't expect people to choose sides in this situation I actually do.

I'm very hurt but what happened and this may be clouding my judgement. AIBU?

Have you actually asked mutual friend why she chooses to still be friends with the other woman? That might go some way towards helping understand. She clearly feels caught between both in spite of how bad it was.

I had a similar situation. Mother who everyone knows is a liar. No one calls her out to her face but they gossip behind her back. Mutual friends still in contact for the sake of the kids who play together. So I don't trust them.

The police were involved and felt the person's behaviour warranted action.

What sort of action?

Yes I do have to accept her neutral position and that is naturally her choice. As I've said many times she is a very kind person so I see neutral as her natural response to this.

However, for me her neutrality feels like condoning and that's a bitter pill to swallow

Have you asked her why?

This.

I'm with you OP. I cut ties with a 'friend' after the way she behaved towards a mutual friend. It was absolutely unhinged and why would I want to continue a friendship and potentially be next in the line of fire?

Some people feel smug about their choice to remain friends with someone who's done something wrong. They think they're better because the friend has treated them nicely.

Also you state the police felt it warranted action to be taken but that doesn’t mean she was charged.
You’re being quite evasive. In the face of it I’m really surprised the friend is sitting on the fence but it’s difficult to get a real measure of the situation as you’re not giving clear answers to anything.

If you are not close friends, I think not wanting to hang out with people is fine. I had a lovely friend a few years ago, but her loveliness meant she carried on hanging out with other people who were not lovely at all, not to me anyway, and the fact she overlooked their bitchiness and snideness (including to her occasionally) meant I just let the whole thing fade, otherwise it was a bit awkward. If it's the odd playdate here and there, I'd just let it go.

It’s a reasonable question on MN - there was a thread the other day where a mother a softplay touched a child on the arm in an unpleasant manner. - not excusable but not a police matter/assault - and one of the first comments was someone saying it was assault and to call the police.

Yes @WayOutOfLine I think that's what I will have to do here

I think it depends on what happened, from her perspective.

I can take offence if someone pulls my son away from theirs and I feel they are too rough. I can call the police, who will probably vaguely agree with me that it would be better for the other person not to touch my child, but do the police take any action, or just soothe me so i go away? And does my neutral friend privately think my son needed to be heaved away because he is too physical with other children, and that I overreacted? But she doesn't want to fall out with me so she nods along with me because I am a bit touchy.

The fact that she chooses to bring her own children around your other friend suggests to me that she does not consider her to be any risk, and probably does not fully share your perception of events.

I have some sympathy because I feel unfair resentment towards a friend who has refused to take my side in a situation where I feel aggrieved. But what is she meant to do? She doesn't fully share my view.

What sort of action did the police take?

This sums up my take on the situation too.

In my view, id say just let it be. Your friendship with the person who had nothing to do with your particular situation shouldn't be required to take a side. It's nothing to do with them.

I had a situation recently where two friends of mine were telling me about visiting a person who was an acquaintance of mine, but a close friend of theirs. They told me that another person, one who I had a serious falling out with, was also there. These two friends seemed at pains to stress to me that the meeting was arranged, it just happened.

I told them that the disagreement was between me and my former friend. I would have had no problem at all if the meeting had been arranged.

I know that when our children are involved (my adult child was involved in my disagreement with my former friend) our emotions can be heightened. But we need to cling on to the fact that, as adults, we have to, sometimes, let go of the feeling that someone is either fully with us, or is against us.

Life isn't black and white, it's shades of grey. I sometimes think that's one of the hardest things to accept as an adult.

It's already outing.

This is not a common scenario.

You might as well state clearly what happened, you'll get better advice

@LizzieSiddal it's the OP using the word assaulted. We only have her word for it.

What if her child was clobbering another child and the mother pulled OP's child off hers? Yet the OP calls it assault?

Without details, it's impossible to say

Sometimes people worry about the person whose behaviour is out of character and stay in touch for that reason.

I knew someone who was very erratic as she was terrified of her husband.

I would have distanced my children from your friend, but may have stayed in touch as an adult in the hope of encouraging her to get help with her problem- or to protect her dc, if I was concerned about them.

This.

Also this, in fact am sure have seen a mn post on similar!

If you're 'neutral' in this sort of situation you're really just siding with the aggressor and telling them their behaviour is OK. I wouldn't want to be friends with such a weak person.

Still saying depends on what definition of 'assault' is being used here.

I agree with this.

It says to me that she’s more concerned with her social place than she is with being a loyal friend or even having some standards about the type of behaviour that is and isn’t okay.

As others have said, it massively depends on what happened.

There aren’t many circumstances in which I’d cut off a friend based on something someone else said about them.

Step away op. Can you guarantee she won't be gossiping with the ex friend? She isn't a great mate.