Found out my husband is using a chat porn site

[Mumoftwinsandasingleton]

My husband knows I despise porn. He also claimed to hate it too with a passion. I noticed during an argument a few months back that he didn't seem as hateful of porn. I asked outright if he watched and he basically said I was stupid to even consider it. I was typing in Facebook on his phone and noticed "fap" came up as a suggestion from his search history. I clicked and it was a porn site. I then browsed his history which showed one called "chaturbate". I clicked and saw that it's like a live chat and stream site. My heart is so destroyed by this. I found out on Monday but have kept quiet about it. I told him that I have bought him a thoughtful gift for father's day, "you are such a great husband and father. Always faithful and not tempting yourself by looking at other women online" he then smiled and seemed embarrassed. He got up to check his phone and I knew he was making sure to delete all of his history. I went on his phone later on and all searches were gone.

I'm so disgusted by this. We know that the porn industry is one of exploitation and mostly "non enthusiastic consent". We are against sex trafficking of any kind. The conversation clearly struck a cord with him. He's been contrite and sweet ever since. He has no idea that I know, but I can see the guilt all over him.

Things that make this worse:

• my husband keeps going out with or to his sister in laws house. They went out to a castle and he messaged to say people thought they were a couple. I just didn't appreciate that at all. I would never have thought anything of him and his sister in law until that message
• after an argument a few weeks back, he said he was going to take the kids to said sister in-law. I told him it made me uncomfortable. He laughed in my face and told me he couldn't believe I was jealous and that he just wants the cousins to be together. He went despite knowing how upset I felt
• we had a discussion that same evening whereby I told him I was unhappy. He mentioned he was definitely not watching porn and that I need to make him feel good more often. How sister in law made him feel like a good dad. I feel he only said this because I mentioned that the two of them together was making me uncomfortable.

From his search history, he viewed porn that very same evening.

I've been trying to ignore it and move on, especially as I see a genuine change in him since I made him feel guilty on Monday. I believe he will not view porn again now, but still feel so broken that he did and that it was one where you could live chat to people. I'm now left alone (he's gone out with the kids again but this time his brother is there instead of sister in law). Being alone in the house has suddenly brought all the sadness back. I'm not sure if I should confront him or not. Am I being unreasonable to want a divorce over this? I don't think I would go through with a divorce, but I'm struggling to get past how I feel.

So sorry you're going through this op head on over to reddit love after porn sub for some amazing resources and support.

This is entirely incorrect men aren't "more visual" at all. Many studies have proven this. This is purely down to entitlement. Lots of women and men masturbate without the need for any visual stimulus. Whilst porn is common its not healthy or "normal"

On the visual aspect We typically see women decorate their homes spaces themselves. Whilst lots of men are happy to have a TV and sofa hardly any decoration. They are not more visual. And while we are at it. Blue balls is a myth too medically no man has to masturabte or ejaculate ever at all. Neither are men more sexual than women. It is purely socialisation and entitlement.

It's misquoted but my comment was to charlijade84s comment

It was in his history on two separate occasions. Thanks for letting me know it's just a pop up, but would that normally show up in the history?

You do know that 99% of men watch porn...

They speak another language and I always feel awkward

He used to watch it when we were first got together. He chose (without my opinion) to stop watching it as per his quotes "it seems a bit gay watching a load of horny men Cumming whilst a woman gets mistreated or zero satisfaction". From his searches, there's like 100 men Cummings on one woman. It's so disgusting, my heart sank

There must be a backstory here? I have never quizzed my DH on whether he watches porn or checked his phone. How does an argument about porn come about? Why would you even ask him if he watches it?

The SIL detail is...strange. where is BIL in all this?

I think you're right

It was in his history on two separate occasions. Thanks for letting me know it's just a pop up, but would that normally show up in the history?

Yes, any webpage will be on the history

OP says she opposes porn ethically

Only she can decide if it's unforgivable enough to warrant divorce. I really think it's a battle to police your partners porn use.

If you don't even know, and have to coax them and search on devices - then presumably it's not affecting life that much.

Is it worth splitting up? The next 10 men you date will probably look at some type of explicit content at some point in their life.

Backstory- my mum was living with us for a while. Hubby was sleeping alone downstairs on the sofa. It seemed at first he was protesting but then suddenly said how great it was because his back pain disappeared. He has work early in the morning, so we generally left him at around 10pm so that he could sleep. In his search history, he was viewing from 10:30pm. He won't be able to view now that we're back in bed together, but he's changed massively since before sleeping on the sofa. He doesn't have an opportunity to watch porn now that he's back with me in bed. I just don't feel like ill ever be enough for him. He's desperate for oral and coming in my mouth. This is also what was in all of his searches. He made it out as if vaginas are boring. I honestly feel so sick about this. I have 3 young children, the oldest loves her dad. BIL is always working when he goes round (he works on weekends up until 6pm)

He sounds more and more sleazy the more your revealing, and tbh Id find it very suspicious that he's always hanging around SIL when she just happens to be there on her own

Wow your updates paint a very grim picture. He sounds sleazy and horrible. I wouldn't be up for sex with him either, he just sees you as a hole to entertain him, he clearly has no respect for you (or women generally).

You can do better. Much better. Even just on your own, life would be much nicer.

He sounds disgusting. I'd be much more worried about his shady behaviour around SIL (messaging you about them being mistaken for a couple) than anything else, but none of it's good. Definitely wouldn't believe him regarding his stated distaste for porn, after this.

Thank you! I always say this but get told I’m wrong, that men are more visual. The home decorating analogy will really help me articulate my point in the future.
Entitlement guised as biological needs!

Thank you all so much for your comments. They have truly helped me gather my thoughts and have good arguments in my head for why this is wrong for our marriage. I ended up discussing porn with him again last night. I mentioned how disgusting it is that some men can watch 100 men ejaculate onto a woman and somehow find that arousing. He nodded along and said its disturbing. I then told him outright that he knew he was watching that kind of awful content. He confessed and said he doesn't know why he watched it. Said he is willing to do anything to keep us together as a family. I've said that I'll give him one more chance but if he breaks my trust again, I will 100 be out. I mentioned that he's been demeaning towards me in the bedroom, less caring about my sexual experiences and orgasms. He agreed that he's become ungrateful to have me but that he will now change. I'll have to see. I had a terrible father so I'm fully prepared for the worst mentally and also fully prepared to keep my word and leave if it comes to him watching it. He's mentioned that he's happy to put a lock on his phone which will prevent him watching porn. I've declined this offer

It may be just me but I always wonder if people may have unrealistic expectations in a partner where occasionally looking at porn is concerned. Also believe that we can't realistically expect other people to have the same boundaries as us and never ever deviate from them ever, because even people with shared values are only human. My DP is only human. In isolation It just wouldn't shock or suprise me if I discovered he looked at porn a few months ago.

Why do men naturally leak semen or have wet dreams in their sleep if they haven't had sex or masturbated in a long time if no man has to ejaculate ever? Why is nature making it happen naturally if it's completely unnecessary?

An ex of mine had an account on that website. Be mindful that they can spend real life money for "tokens" or whatever they're called to send to the cam girls to perform specific acts. Hard to tell now if he's deleted history but I'd be wondering if your husband had an account on there and if he did what his purchase history was.

So leaking semen and wet dreams would still happen through arousal. Leaking semen is to lubricate in preparation for sex/masturbation wet dreams would occur from arousing dreams. Neither of these have to happen although erections are all part of a healthy body with good blood flow/age permitting and naturally occur throughout the night.

The body actually re absorbs the sperm it never has to actually leave the testicles. Obviously for reproduction is the one purpose of ejaculation. Women are actually the ones who have anatomy designed purely for pleasure no other purpose - the clitorus.

It is purely society that has peddled this myth that men need to masturbate and orgasm at such a higher level than women. That without this it would be such a detriment to them.There are some studies to suggest regular ejaculation can help in lowering chances of prostate cancer. The same way there have been studies to show eating less red meat can lower chances of cancer. Its about living a holistically healthy balanced life.

Plenty of monks who have taken a vowel of celibacy/no masturbation live long healthy lives. It's not about condemning masturbation it can absolutely be healthy but society has peddled a very unhealthy and incorrect information on what is a healthy amount and the importance it plays.

Lots of people still believe blue balls is a real thing. That men have too much testosterone that means they cannot be held accountable for their actions. They can't be expected to have no sexual restraint or discipline. It's a mindset and entitlement that needs to change. It's very dangerous. And does inform the whole boys will be boys attitude where we excuse men and boys whilst blaming women.

All you've ensured OP is that he'll be far better at covering his tracks in future.

He used to watch it when we were first got together. He chose (without my opinion) to stop watching it

Yeah, of course he did 👀