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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with friendship situation

49 replies

Whatsgoinon1 · 30/05/2024 13:35

Friends with a girl for 20+ years since school. Let’s call her Sally. The sort of friend you don’t need to talk to all the time and you can just pick up where you left off the last time you spoke. We live 15 miles apart which is approx 40min drive so takes some co-ordinating to arrange to see each other as you can’t just ‘pop out’ to see each other. We meet every couple of months or so for food and tend to have drinks together twice a year for our birthdays. It’s usually me that travels to her or we may meet in the middle. She hasn’t travelled over to me for years.

She has a friend that lives close by to her that I have also become friends with over the years. Let’s call her Polly. We’re not particularly close but have a similar relationship in regards to talking etc. and get along well.

They do lots of things together regularly as they are close by and have kids a similar age so do mumsy stuff together as well as getting together for drinks/socials with their circle of friends fairly regularly.

I’ve noticed that I never get invited to anything they have planned but whenever I arrange something with Sally she always suggests that we include Polly too which I always agree to because I’m not a bitch but it would be nice just to spend some time with just sally every now and again apart from the odd meal here and there.

Sally and I had planned to meet up in our local city (central for both of us) and have drinks, set in the calendar 8 weeks in advance. She then did the usual and asked if we should invite Polly - all agreed.

Last minute Polly then said she couldn’t afford what we had planned so they had arranged between them alternative plans without consulting me and expected me to go along with them which involved me travelling to where they live and staying in rather than meeting centrally and going out. Polly is also known for slipping off early due to childcare which usually then results in Sally and I being left at the end of the night or needing to go early too.

I don’t get out much so was really looking forward to spending some time having fun with my friend and letting my hair down.

AIBU to think this is out of order? Surely if Polly couldn’t afford it or didn’t have childcare she should be the one to pull out when we originally made the plans rather than them being completely changed at my expense for the extra travel to suit her?

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

How would you handle the situation?

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 30/05/2024 14:40

They're being unreasonable to change the plans without consulting you.

I also think you need to be a bit more assertive with what you want. It seems that Sally is a good friend of yours, so I really don't think it would be "bitchy" or out of order for you to sometimes say something like "actually could we not invite Polly this time? She's lovely but was hoping to have some time just us two!".

It sounds like you're usually very accommodating, and it's a common occurrence for you to travel to Sally's area, so they probably didn't think the change of plan would be a big deal to you. The problem with being very accommodating is that sometimes other people don't realise when they're inconveniencing you.

I think there's an element of you expecting Sally to be a mindreader, when it's on you to communicate these things.

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 30/05/2024 15:48

I hate that OP

I've a friend who does this....even though the two of them meet up loads

Her friend is v nice, but it changes the whole dynamic now when we meet up

I'm not going to say anything (cos I'm a wimp!), but I rarely ask to meet up with my original friend now

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/05/2024 15:53

Why not have a WhatsApp / messenger group with the 3 of you so you can arrange things and be involved if plans need to change?

You need to also start saying "can we make this one just you and I?" If you want just you and Sally.

Original poster
Whatsgoinon1 · 30/05/2024 17:08

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/05/2024 15:53

Why not have a WhatsApp / messenger group with the 3 of you so you can arrange things and be involved if plans need to change?

You need to also start saying "can we make this one just you and I?" If you want just you and Sally.

We do, which is what’s even more annoying in this instance! I was made aware that the original plan wasn’t going to be going ahead in there but other discussions were over the phone between them

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsgoinon1 · 30/05/2024 17:13

yellowsmileyface · 30/05/2024 14:40

They're being unreasonable to change the plans without consulting you.

I also think you need to be a bit more assertive with what you want. It seems that Sally is a good friend of yours, so I really don't think it would be "bitchy" or out of order for you to sometimes say something like "actually could we not invite Polly this time? She's lovely but was hoping to have some time just us two!".

It sounds like you're usually very accommodating, and it's a common occurrence for you to travel to Sally's area, so they probably didn't think the change of plan would be a big deal to you. The problem with being very accommodating is that sometimes other people don't realise when they're inconveniencing you.

I think there's an element of you expecting Sally to be a mindreader, when it's on you to communicate these things.

Yes I definitely need to speak up next time I think. Neither me or sally are particularly vocal regarding these types of things and tend to go with what’s easier at the time rather than rocking the boat

OP posts:
Underestimated4 · 02/06/2024 08:15

I’ve had this before and just said “I’d like to spend sometime with just you”

It may be more the other friend being pushy.

Johnthesensible · 02/06/2024 08:16

Too soft, get rid, move on and find someone worthy of your attention and thoughtulness.

I'm very to the point on these kind of scenarios these days. As I get older, I see through this kind of nonsense that others do to us. If someone isn't putting close or the same as what you are putting in, you will just be a spare part/piggy in the middle.

All the best.

Revelatio · 02/06/2024 08:28

Next time she asks if Polly can come, just say, ‘let’s invite her along next time, I’m really looking forward to catching up with just you for a change’.

If they change the plan after you have already made plans, say, ‘sorry that doesn’t work well for me’ and either suggest something that does or leave them to address it. If they don’t offer to change plans (but have changed it previously for Polly), then you’ll know where you stand.

Ohnobackagain · 02/06/2024 11:08

@Whatsgoinon1 this could be Polly moaning to Sally about being left out and Sally not assertive enough. Definitely say something as other suggested such as ‘oh I was looking forward to just us two going out this time, you and Polly see a lot of each other without me’ and you will probably find that is the catalyst for change. And if not, you can back away. Best of luck!

therealcookiemonster · 02/06/2024 14:48

as I've grown older, I have realised ppl pleasing gets nowhere. in this instance one they changed plans, I would just pull out.

just say sorry I don't fancy travelling etc. you guys carry on, we will catch up next time.

Clueless2024 · 02/06/2024 14:53

Sorry, I'm unable to attend.

anon4net · 02/06/2024 14:59

I agree with @therealcookiemonster

I used to put up with this stuff for years, never saying anything. Now I'd just gracefully bow out. For a friendship to work you both need to want to make it work. If she doesn't message to re-arrange or check if all is okay, then it says a lot about how much value your friendship has to her. The fact you do all the driving is a little red flag @Whatsgoinon1

duchessofsilk · 02/06/2024 15:44

anon4net · 02/06/2024 14:59

I agree with @therealcookiemonster

I used to put up with this stuff for years, never saying anything. Now I'd just gracefully bow out. For a friendship to work you both need to want to make it work. If she doesn't message to re-arrange or check if all is okay, then it says a lot about how much value your friendship has to her. The fact you do all the driving is a little red flag @Whatsgoinon1

I also agree. I think you value her more than she values you and it seems everything revolves around Polly which is unfair.

Drop the rope and see what happens.

itsmylife7 · 02/06/2024 17:58

Do you think that the 2nd friend is actively inviting herself along and your main friend can't say no to her.

Or is the main friend inviting her along ?

If its the latter one then sounds like your main friend 'loves her company' more than yours.

Hotttchoc · 02/06/2024 18:01

I think it's fine to say you don't mind other friend joining occasionally but would be nice to spend some time catching up just with her

Yougotwhatstuckwhere · 02/06/2024 18:17

Sadly I think you may have become the third wheel in the relationship.
Only way to know for sure is to ask for a meet up with out Polly.
Be prepared to lose both friendships. (Although it sounds tedious doing all the running)

TeenLifeMum · 02/06/2024 18:36

I’d say “how about you and polly do plan b another time then you and I stick to the original plan as, to be honest, I was really looking forward to doing that and I’m happy for it to be the two of us.”

Pelham678 · 02/06/2024 18:49

TeenLifeMum · 02/06/2024 18:36

I’d say “how about you and polly do plan b another time then you and I stick to the original plan as, to be honest, I was really looking forward to doing that and I’m happy for it to be the two of us.”

I think this is the best response.

HamptonWishList · 02/06/2024 18:50

. We live 15 miles apart which is approx 40min drive so takes some co-ordinating to arrange to see each other as you can’t just ‘pop out’ to see each other.

15 miles is not 40 mins. Even at 30mph it's 30mins plus if you meet in the middle it's nothing. If this 'takes some co-ordinating' when you do live close to each other, and both of you think that way, that's problem before you get to the rest of it. 'Some co-ordinating' is one in Cardiff and one in Edinburgh!

BeenThere0 · 02/06/2024 18:58

Hi @HamptonWishList , I'll do the maths for you, if you allow! The implied average speed (of doing 15 miles in 40mins) is 22.5 mph. Many of us would be delighted with that average speed, with all 20mph restrictions, road works, traffic jams, etc

TeenLifeMum · 02/06/2024 19:16

HamptonWishList · 02/06/2024 18:50

. We live 15 miles apart which is approx 40min drive so takes some co-ordinating to arrange to see each other as you can’t just ‘pop out’ to see each other.

15 miles is not 40 mins. Even at 30mph it's 30mins plus if you meet in the middle it's nothing. If this 'takes some co-ordinating' when you do live close to each other, and both of you think that way, that's problem before you get to the rest of it. 'Some co-ordinating' is one in Cardiff and one in Edinburgh!

Surely it depends where you live. It used to take me 20 minutes to do the school run 3 miles away 🤷🏻‍♀️

Rubbishconfession · 02/06/2024 19:17

YABU for just going along with it. Tell them to come to you next time.

Original poster
Whatsgoinon1 · 02/06/2024 20:32

HamptonWishList · 02/06/2024 18:50

. We live 15 miles apart which is approx 40min drive so takes some co-ordinating to arrange to see each other as you can’t just ‘pop out’ to see each other.

15 miles is not 40 mins. Even at 30mph it's 30mins plus if you meet in the middle it's nothing. If this 'takes some co-ordinating' when you do live close to each other, and both of you think that way, that's problem before you get to the rest of it. 'Some co-ordinating' is one in Cardiff and one in Edinburgh!

15 miles may not be 40 mins on a straight stretch of road but traffic lights and road works, rush hour etc it most certainly is and that’s on a good day! Hard co-ordinating when childcare is involved for the other person etc as it’s not as easy as popping out willy nilly whenever you want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsgoinon1 · 02/06/2024 20:33

TeenLifeMum · 02/06/2024 18:36

I’d say “how about you and polly do plan b another time then you and I stick to the original plan as, to be honest, I was really looking forward to doing that and I’m happy for it to be the two of us.”

This is what I’ll be going with thank you!

OP posts:
Hotttchoc · 02/06/2024 20:34

Let us know how it goes OP!

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