Annoyed with friendship situation

[Whatsgoinon1]

Friends with a girl for 20+ years since school. Let’s call her Sally. The sort of friend you don’t need to talk to all the time and you can just pick up where you left off the last time you spoke. We live 15 miles apart which is approx 40min drive so takes some co-ordinating to arrange to see each other as you can’t just ‘pop out’ to see each other. We meet every couple of months or so for food and tend to have drinks together twice a year for our birthdays. It’s usually me that travels to her or we may meet in the middle. She hasn’t travelled over to me for years.

She has a friend that lives close by to her that I have also become friends with over the years. Let’s call her Polly. We’re not particularly close but have a similar relationship in regards to talking etc. and get along well.

They do lots of things together regularly as they are close by and have kids a similar age so do mumsy stuff together as well as getting together for drinks/socials with their circle of friends fairly regularly.

I’ve noticed that I never get invited to anything they have planned but whenever I arrange something with Sally she always suggests that we include Polly too which I always agree to because I’m not a bitch but it would be nice just to spend some time with just sally every now and again apart from the odd meal here and there.

Sally and I had planned to meet up in our local city (central for both of us) and have drinks, set in the calendar 8 weeks in advance. She then did the usual and asked if we should invite Polly - all agreed.

Last minute Polly then said she couldn’t afford what we had planned so they had arranged between them alternative plans without consulting me and expected me to go along with them which involved me travelling to where they live and staying in rather than meeting centrally and going out. Polly is also known for slipping off early due to childcare which usually then results in Sally and I being left at the end of the night or needing to go early too.

I don’t get out much so was really looking forward to spending some time having fun with my friend and letting my hair down.

AIBU to think this is out of order? Surely if Polly couldn’t afford it or didn’t have childcare she should be the one to pull out when we originally made the plans rather than them being completely changed at my expense for the extra travel to suit her?

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

How would you handle the situation?

No she often asks there and then when we are arranging. I suppose there’s a good chance she does the same with Polly and she just says what I should say so it’s just the two of them 😂

I'd probably go along with the changed arrangements this time, but tell Sally you don't want to do so again.

I wouldn't go along with the changes if you don't want to. If they ask why - just say plans were made originally to suit all three of you and they have changed things without consulting you and this time it just does not suit you.
Then sit tight and see if Sally contacts you to arrange another event in the future - if she does - then great! If not - well let it go and pick up other activities with alternative friends. The dynamic seems to work for them as they seem to live near to each other and don't seem prepared to put themselves out to do activities nearer to you. Seems a bit selfish on their parts.

If this rearranged plan isn't to your liking you don't have to go. Just say you'll give it a miss this time. Make another arrangement to meet up with Sally, at a place and time that suits you. If she suggests including Polly, then you can say "Lovely, if she can manage/afford it/ has childcare" or "I'd really like to spend some time just with you".

It used to take me 60mins to drive my daily commute of 12 miles. Sometimes, it would even take 90mins, and one time it took 2 hours. Yet, where I live now, it takes me 15-18 mins to drive 12 miles.

It really depends on the location, where I used to live, there was no direct route to my work and I had to go through a lot of awkward small roads and a lot of junctions across one of the biggest cities in England.

I find one-to-one evening drinks intense and much prefer group socialising with 2 or more people. Could your friend feel the same? If someone messaged me saying they wanted time with just me for an evening I’d find that strange.

Your not being unreasonable at all. I have a friend the exact same, but I'm perfectly happy with that arrangement. She has other friends to do the things I don't like doing so rarely, if at all I get invited. We don't see each other all that much but we pick up right where we left off, she also has a cling on friend that often gets invited, but I like her a lot so don't mind at all. I'm very flexible with plans and do whatever they want to do.

Why do you not talk to your friend and explain what your feeling? I could def tell my friend if I wasn't happy with the extra friend coming, or could say if I wanted to do something specific.

This sounds good but maybe word the ‘I’m happy for it to be just the two of us’ bit slightly different so it’s more assertive and clear that you just want it to be the two of you. As it could be interpreted by her that you’re happy enough with it being the two of you as opposed to what I think you’re saying which is you actively would prefer it to be the two of you. Although of course if she misinterprets it initially you can always correct her.

I have 2 friends, we were kind of in a trio and I remember during the pandemic (not lockdown of course) I’d arranged a long overdue meet up. One canceled and the other quickly followed suit. I never arranged anything again for them because it sent a clear message to me that I was just the spare in the eyes of the woman who had cancelled second. I wasn’t interesting enough for her to meet up with me without the other woman.

I had suspected it for a while but that confirmed it for me. The next time either of them called me I’d moved out of town and not told them. I still count them as friends and we text occasionally but won’t try to arrange a meet up with them again. And I no longer feel responsible for keeping in touch with them so contact has tailed off significantly.
Sometimes when people show you where they place you in their life, you just need to act accordingly.

Sounds like you’re the third wheel and also if this other friend is local and got wind of your old friend ‘excluding’ her it might make things difficult.

Your old friend sounds rubbish. I’d just start making yourself less available.

Hope you get to have a great night out op!

This is a good response. I wouldn't be happy about totally changing a plan that was more convenient for me and involved actually going out, to having to travel further for a night in! It's cheeky of them to ask.

Let sally know you were looking forward to going out and suggest she and polly stay in another night. I absolutely wouldn't be putting myself out to do something I didn't want to do just to benefit someone who wasn't even originally part of the plan!

I think it's a reasonable request and if they get awkward about it at least you'll know where you stand.

.

Bit of both to be honest. We don't live in the same town so if they come to me, my friend doesn't need to stay with me or get a taxi in her own. If I go to my friend her Polly is very rarely there unless its a thing they want to do and I get invited to do it, which I do frequently

I’d bring up that the plans were just you and Sally to begin with, so Polly is not necessary, and you don’t particularly love having your plans changed without your knowledge.

and bring up that although you like polly you have noticed that she is invited to you and Sally outings, but you aren’t invited to polly and Sally outings.

it might workout! But beware it sounds like Sally is gonna pick Polly over you. So make too big a deal out of it and you may be out.

also 15 miles takes 40 mins! What horribly designed city do you live in! also not that far, so a shitty excuse, Sally should be coming by too!

Sally and Polly are very close friends, as they live close by and they see each other more. Although you have been friend with Sally for a lot longer you see her less in the day to day. But you are still the original friend of Sally.
Going out without telling her might be perceived by Sally as Polly is “stealing you”.
i have several friends of friends whom I meet through them and although we have been becoming close over the years I would not meet them without my original friend.
Additionally, you need to consider theirs is the strong relationship, that’s why you are always travelling and accommodating them. It will be hard for you to change the dynamic. So you need to decide if this is ok with you and continue like that or if you prefer to leave the relationships to fizz out.

Haven’t read the whole thread but I’d be tempted to say” That doesn’t work for me. You two go ahead and do what you’ve arranged.”

The gall of people amazes me. The amount of ‘friends’ who expect me to travel to them and never ever return the favour is mind bending. My circle is now very small, as so can’t deal with selfish friends.

Pull out and then just arrange something with Sally in a couple of days, pre-empting it by saying just you and her. This kind of thing really annoys me. Time is too precious to be spending it with people you don’t really want to see.

The dynamic between two friends and three is massive. If you are old confidants of course you will want to meet up without the third. Friendships do change and sometimes there is time for an audit. Sadly I’d step back and let them get on with it.
I had a close (late) friend who lived about that far away and our times together was special. If she had brought another of her many friends along I would have been very put out as the meeting would have been diminished. But when staying with her when she lived even further away I loved going out with her and a close friend who lived nearby to her. That was different and of course her friends were interesting.
but not in your occasional meet ups. Too one-sided.

"That's a shame. I was really looking forward to us going to City together. You two have a great time. Let's reschedule the original plan in the city with just the two of us for another date instead."

Last minute Polly then said she couldn’t afford what we had planned so they had arranged between them alternative plans without consulting me and expected me to go along with them which involved me travelling to where they live and staying in rather than meeting centrally and going out.

That's horrendously rude! To go from a taxiable night out in the city to you having to drive to one of their houses? @Whatsgoinon1

Message Sally saying it's a shame Polly can't make it this time but you two should still go with the original plans as you were really looing forward to it & that you'll arrange another time when Polly can afford it.

This happened to me with a friendship group. The two of them always had to be together, which meant plans were always skewed to them and what they wanted to do and I was always in the minority whenever I gave a suggestion or asked to meet closer to where I lived. It was a very unbalanced relationship and I decided to walk away.

Next time why don't you set the plan as the invite e.g.
"Hi Sally, there's a really nice new bar opening just down the road from me, shall we try it out one night on the week of Date" or "Hi Sally, the next bit of bridgerton is on such and such date, come over and I will cook us dinner if you bring the wine"
I think the problem with setting up vague "shall we see each other" invites is they can easily be twisted away from what you actually wanted. If you're very specific then it's much harder to invite someone else or move the venue...