To think that all men are the same

DoYouSmokePaul · 30/05/2024 10:18

Of course all men aren’t the same. There are lots of awful ones but if yours hasn’t given you reason not to trust him, why would you assume the worst? You sound insecure and maybe you need to figure out why and work on it.

I have been with DH for 15 years and he’s lovely and I’m very happy. There are millions of other happy couples in the world.

Octavia64 · 30/05/2024 10:19

They aren't all the same.

Some of them are shits but some of them are not.

I don't know him. You do. You need to judge him as a person not think of him as a stereotype.

RosaRoja · 30/05/2024 10:20

Stay off TikTok. Of course there are long and happy relationships.

Pricklyhogs · 30/05/2024 10:21

Of course they aren’t. My parents have been happily married for 62 years. Dh and I have been married for 26 and it has always been very happy. It’s just that people don’t talk about happy marriages so you don’t get to hear about them in the same way as you do unhappy ones

mummymeister · 30/05/2024 10:22

We have been together almost 40 years. the men before my husband were all the same - bit lazy, put themselves first, didnt encourage me to succeed, didnt think of my needs etc etc. but thats how I knew he was the one because he was the total opposite. we didnt meet until I was in my late 20's at a time when everyone else was married by 23. If things get boring in a relationship its down to both of you to put it right. Had I settled earlier then probably I would be divorced now who knows. but being with the right person means being a team and making sure things stay exciting, fun and interesting.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/05/2024 10:22

No, not all men are like this. I’ve been with my DH for 11 years and he gives no indication he’s bored of me. I have no concerns that he has cheated on me or ever would.

Wishimaywishimight · 30/05/2024 10:23

Of course they are not all the same. How would you feel if a man said "women are all the same"? You would think it a ridiculous generalisation.

CerealPonderer · 30/05/2024 10:24

All men are not 'the same' just like all women are not 'the same'.

EatTheGnome · 30/05/2024 10:24

My advice is to get off mumsnet.

Any man has the potential to be an arsehole but you need to trust your own judgement. Is this something you're picking up and it's shadowing your relationship or is this a real gut feeling telling you not to marry.

Ereyraa · 30/05/2024 10:25

What an odd statement. Of course they are not all the same. Are all women the same?

He might well leave if you keep worrying if he goes out, I would.

And get off TikTok if you are honestly admitting you are influenced by it; it’s a cesspit of unqualified nonsense.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 30/05/2024 10:26

No they aren't and it sounds like you need help with your anxiety

Findwen · 30/05/2024 10:27

Tiktok and social media also says that women always cheat, take mens money and give nothing but misery in return, that women have absurd requirements for mens salary, they lie to their partners about who the father of their child is and get the ick from the most mundane and trivial issues.

It will feed you what you consume. Keep watching how men are trash and that will just reinforce your feelings. If you submerge yourself in the sewer of social media, then expect to choke on the shit it is filled with.

WaltzingWaters · 30/05/2024 10:30

Mumsnet (and I’m not on TikTok but I guess there too) can certainly make you realise how awful so many men are. But no, not all men are the same. There really are some who love family life, and have zero desire to be unfaithful. My grandparents have been happily married for 70 years. My parents were for 30 years before my mum passed away.
If your fiancé gives you no reason to doubt him, don’t drive yourself crazy. Just make sure you keep your independence with working, pension, name on house deeds etc, keep things equal money wise if you were to become a SAHM in future- that sort of thing, but I hope you’ve got a good one and you have no reason to doubt him.

NorthernInLondonx · 30/05/2024 10:30

They aren’t all the same but your feelings are rational. Either from past experiences or stories from your friends / sisters etc. who’ve been treated horribly by men.

Try not to let “what if” ruin a good thing. If he does you dirty, you’ll find out, you’ll take action and you’ll be ok. You will always be ok no matter how shit it is. You can’t stop a man cheating but you work on yourself, your goals, your finances so you have security if it ever happens.

I’m not in the camp of trusting someone blindly but I also think it’s silly to make yourself sick with worry over this every time he goes out. Keep busy. If he’s out late pop some Melatonin so you sleep without fretting xx

Foxblue · 30/05/2024 10:33

When I say delete Tiktok, I'm not saying it as a flippant 'social media is stupid, just delete it'
I'm saying it because the apps are designed to be addictive and the algorithm is designed to induce heightened responses in you. If you are struggling in real life, you need to delete the app.

tuvamoodyson · 30/05/2024 10:38

Are all women the same?

MightyGoldBear · 30/05/2024 10:39

Some therapy would help you unravel why these messages resonate with you and also to discuss your relationship in a neutral objective space.

Do you feel like this is your gut talking to you? Are you perhaps ignoring some behaviours from your partner? Maybe you need more safety from your partner maybe some understanding of how he sees a women's reality is so different to his. Definitely delete tik tok. There is a reason all the big tech billionaires don't let their children have tik tok. It's not good for your brain.

Worldgonecrazy · 30/05/2024 10:41

NorthernInLondonx · 30/05/2024 10:30

They aren’t all the same but your feelings are rational. Either from past experiences or stories from your friends / sisters etc. who’ve been treated horribly by men.

Try not to let “what if” ruin a good thing. If he does you dirty, you’ll find out, you’ll take action and you’ll be ok. You will always be ok no matter how shit it is. You can’t stop a man cheating but you work on yourself, your goals, your finances so you have security if it ever happens.

I’m not in the camp of trusting someone blindly but I also think it’s silly to make yourself sick with worry over this every time he goes out. Keep busy. If he’s out late pop some Melatonin so you sleep without fretting xx

I agree (apart from the melatonin!)

The statistics are probably 50/50 as to whether he will or won’t cheat - you may even one day find yourself in the position of cheater. None of us know what the future brings, we can only deal with what we have now. As long as you maintain some sort of financial independence and protect your interests the only thing we can do is face into life or shrivel.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 30/05/2024 10:42

olowin · 30/05/2024 10:15

Hi all,

Random thread but I need words of wisdom. I'm 27 and I've been with my fiancé (26) for 3 years. Everything is great and I couldn't ask for a batter partner.

However, recently my relationship has been overshadowed with this feeling that all men are the same and he'll eventually leave or get bored of me. It sounds stupid but every time he goes out with his friends in the back of my mind I am constantly worrying about what he is doing, who he is with, basically what he is doing when I'm not around.

He has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I feel as though im going to destroy my relationship all because I have this feeling that all men are unloyal - definitely influenced by things I read online and see on tik tok.

I just think what is the point in marrying someone, building a family etc just for them to turn around one day and either cheat or decide that they are bored?

Someone please offer me some wisdom as I feel like I'm going to drive myself mad with this mindset

Sadly, too many threads on MN imply this. This could be the fact people, mainly women come her to seek help/advice/recommendations. Sadly, a lot of the so-called help at times can be a little OTT ie leaning towards almost being misandry

With the media, they often concentrate of bad news, so you will see men cheating on women and women cheating on men

Try to cherish what you have and live your life and enjoy it

IMO, all relationships, all being 99% will have their ups and downs and some with many more, downs

Couple will fall out over little stuff at times

Only you can decide

Good luck

SpringerFall · 30/05/2024 10:44

So is your father, uncles, colleagues, cousins, every male you have ever come across the exact same as the billions of men across the world?

They are one collective? Seriously?

ManilowBarry · 30/05/2024 10:57

If all men are the same then all women are the same. 🙄

Of course they aren't the same.

What is the same is some men and women making the same poor choices over and over in picking a crap partner which then turns their mind to thinking that all men/women are the same.

betterangels · 30/05/2024 11:00

He has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I feel as though im going to destroy my relationship all because I have this feeling that all men are unloyal - definitely influenced by things I read online and see on tik tok.

Stay off TikTok and stop reading those things. Life is complicated; don't make it harder by driving yourself mad because of social media.

C1N1C · 30/05/2024 11:05

MN is largely to blame for this... I call it the policeman syndrome. A large majority of policemen don't want kids because all the kids they see, every day, are little sh!ts. It's any wonder why many feel like all kids are that way and choose not to have them.

The same is true for forums like this, and Tiktok. If you surround yourself with 'scorned' women, this is the opinion you'll have of all men. But this is a sampling bias... despite many people trying (myself included) to start posts on here that are "what do you love about your partner", they either fizzle out or are rapidly converted into scorn threads. People only come on these things to either share hate, or read about it, so those are the threads that get amped, and subsequently, the men you're exposed to.

Trust your instinct and sort out your insecurity, otherwise you'll create a self-fulfilling prophecy and actually push him away with those insecurities.

CheeseWisely · 30/05/2024 11:16

You'll only find that Men are all the same if you are repeatedly choosing the same kind of Men. No shame there, I did it for years myself.

I chose Men who were exciting, kept me on my toes, were a challenge. I rejected the 'boring', reliable, sensible ones.

Shockingly enough the challenging, exciting ones all too often turned out to be chaotic, or cheats or liars or worse.

Then I met DH, who is the kindest, most reliable and loving person I've ever encountered. Turns out to my surprise that he's still exciting, because I'm excited to see him become a Dad soon, and excited to see where our life goes next.

araiwa · 30/05/2024 11:23

If tiktok and Mumsnet is causing you problems in real life then you need to get off them