To think that all men are the same

[olowin]

Hi all,

Random thread but I need words of wisdom. I'm 27 and I've been with my fiancé (26) for 3 years. Everything is great and I couldn't ask for a batter partner.

However, recently my relationship has been overshadowed with this feeling that all men are the same and he'll eventually leave or get bored of me. It sounds stupid but every time he goes out with his friends in the back of my mind I am constantly worrying about what he is doing, who he is with, basically what he is doing when I'm not around.

He has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I feel as though im going to destroy my relationship all because I have this feeling that all men are unloyal - definitely influenced by things I read online and see on tik tok.

I just think what is the point in marrying someone, building a family etc just for them to turn around one day and either cheat or decide that they are bored?

Someone please offer me some wisdom as I feel like I'm going to drive myself mad with this mindset

All men are people. People are not all the same. This is an issue with your own world view that, as you no doubt know, needs addressing before it messes with your real life relationships. If it comes from past experiences that need dealing with, get some help for that. If it's fed by SM and other media that gives a skewed view, deal with that and strive for a more balanced view. By the nature of things, we hear more from unhappy people than happy ones, but there are plenty of good men who are trustworthy and women who aren't. You wouldn't want to be tarred with an 'all the women are the same' brush, would you?

Most divorces are instigated by women. Although part of that will be male cheating.

You are just as likely to get bored and cheat as your partner is. I would say you are less likely to leave any future kids you have but it’s not impossible. The narrative behind why men and women cheat is different, men will blame a lack of sex and women will blame a lack of appreciation about holding it together.

TikTok is literally just about content. Someone saying they’ve been happily married for 40 years it doesn’t make for interesting content. It might do one lot of heartwarming content but then what? There is no ongoing drama to draw subscribers in.

However, recently my relationship has been overshadowed with this feeling that all men are the same and he'll eventually leave or get bored of me. It sounds stupid but every time he goes out with his friends in the back of my mind I am constantly worrying about what he is doing, who he is with, basically what he is doing when I'm not around.

You can't hide the fact that you'll never trust him no matter how much he proves that he's not like that, and he'll eventually get sick of it and leave.

And, because he leaves, it just reinforces your opinion that all men are the same (if you conveniently ignore the fact that you caused it).

So, when viewed from your perspective...yes, all men will always be the same.

It even extends a little further - when those same men are totally happy with other women who don't treat them with constant suspicion, those women must be absolute saps and kidding themselves with wilful ignorance. Because all men are the same.

(that pretty much accounts for 50% of comments in AIBU... ;) )

In other words, get a grip. Plenty of men are good, honest people; treating them with suspicion with zero evidence or reason results in both of you being miserable for absolutely no reason.

Excellent post.

Tiktok is depressing because it isn't just (or even mostly) "scorned women" as another poster put it. The worst is male produced content joking about cheating/glorifying messing women around/being incredibly critical of women's looks (especially as they age) around blah blah blah. It can feel quite bleak. If all women are unattractive past 30 and all men are "biologically programmed" to cheat then it doesn't bode well for marriages.
Except those men are twats. They are mostly producing clickbait content for younger men or rage bait for women. There are all sorts of reasons why they would be motivated to push a particular message to younger men that I won't go into here (ironically it is biologically driven behaviour to some extent). They are also a self selecting group - men that aren't shallow, have an internal locus of control, aren't trying to place themselves at the top of a very specific superficial hierarchy are much less likely to be Tik-Tokkers. So it isn't a window into the real world or what most men are secretly thinking.

And as others have said - the stories on here are also not representative because people are much less likely to post about when stuff is going well. Multiple threads going "day 3452 of marriage. All good so far" would be extremely boring and pointless.

I just think what is the point in marrying someone, building a family etc just for them to turn around one day and either cheat or decide that they are bored?

because you want a family?

I made sure I was future proofed. We have built our family, raised kids etc. but if dh died, walked out, or was abducted by aliens on a practical level I’ll be fine.

grieving, sure. But I have kept working, I have savings, pensions, assets in my own name, enough that the kids and I would not have that side of things to worry about.

i would not want a totally enmeshed life because shit does happen.

No they're not all the same. The difference between my ex and my current fiancé couldn't be bigger. Completely different people. I have zero fears my fiance would ever cheat on me.

Thanks everyone for the comments, they have helped me feel a bit better about the situation!

Just to clarify, he doesn't know I feel like this. I never mention it to him or stop him from doing anything, I would never want to come across as insecure or as if I'm accusing him of something so I don't actually voice these feelings but it's just how I feel.

I definitely have anxiety about the whole situation and feel as though I have an anxious attachment type. I feel like I'm in a constant battle with my mind every day about this!

And great point also about women, I have a few friends who are women and have cheated so doesn't mean it's just men

Not all men are the same. At the end of the day, all marriages and relationships are a leap of faith. You can't guarantee a partner won't hurt you in some way, but as the saying goes, a life lived in fear, is a life half lived.

There's no reason why, if your boyfriend has proved himself to be loyal, honest and loving, why he'd do anything to hurt you.

I met my dh early twenties and 20 years on, he's not got bored with me yet! We've both been totally faithful too (I feel confident about that). Can I guarantee it won't happen? No, but all signs are pointing towards success based off how our relationship has been so far and the kind of man I believe him to be. So I put any insecure niggles (and yes, most of us can have them!) to the back on my mind and enjoy our life together.

I actually disagree with some of the other posters on here - in that the fact that NOT all men are the same (and having multiple examples of very good men around me) has made me much less tolerant of really bad behaviour from men (both in my own life and in all honesty on mumsnet). Some men do want to have their cake and eat it in the sense that "you can't say all men do XYZ" becomes "all men do XYZ, your standards are too high" at lightning speed. The female flip side of that ("all men are the same" ironically makes women more likely to tolerate shocking treatment not less.

I think sometimes the strongest reactions to threads about violent/cheating men etc comes from women who have known good men rather than bitter old crones. So try viewing the worst threads in that light.

Some are disloyal and cheat, others don't. Unfortunately there isn't a way in the world to tell for sure which type you have. If there was, no woman would ever be blind sided by a cheating partner.
All you can do is not allow what might happen to preoccupy you, in the same way as you shouldn't let fear of any other misfortune preoccupy you, just because it happens to a lot of people.
In the absence of red flags, put it out of your mind and enjoy what you have.
No one knows what the future holds. Either of you could meet someone else and cheat, or meet someone else and end things for them, or go off each other for any number of reasons. About half of marriages don't last, even fewer relationships last, but unless you want to be permanently alone, you accept the risk and hope for the best.

Some women are loyal, some aren't, some women are selfish, some aren't, some women are honest!, some aren't. Men are exactly the same. Men are equally human to wimen and are as diverse as different grains of sand on a beach. A good relationship is gold, so best to not let one go because of an unfounded suspicion. Good luck, whatever happens.

they are from mars but they aren’t all cheats. I wonder if this is something related to your own history? Did your dad leave your mum?

Schedule to go out same nights he goes out.
It is much easier not to think what your man is doing when you are having an amazing time :)
Speaking as slightly jealous and posessive woman.

No, nothing has happened in my past to make me feel like this. Parents have been married for 30 years, I was with my previous boyfriend for 5 years and never felt like this.

It sounds crazy but I just look at him and wonder how he's mine, I can't believe that he would want me when he could have other options. And it's weird because whenever we are out together everybody comments on how he has managed to get me and how lucky he is (without sounding big headed) but I seriously don't see it like that at all.

I am so insecure but have no clue why, I have never felt like this before!

definitely influenced by things I read online and see on tik tok

Get off the internet! You say you feel really insecure – well, you are filling your head with junk every day. Do you eat mountains of crap every day? No? Then why would you fill your brain with crap too?

TikTok is absolute junk but Mumsnet is really quite bonkers when it comes to men and relationship advice.

Honestly, get off the internet. Put your phone down. Have you got much going on in your own life, away from him? You talk about him going out with his friends – so what do you do?

If the answer is 'nothing', then it's time to start getting out, finding things to do for yourself. You've probably got local womens/girls groups for a start.

Social media gives a skewed view, because happily married people have nothing to post about.

I suppose you have to come to terms with the idea that yes, anything could happen. Your dp could cheat, become ill, get hit by a bus or get abducted by aliens. Even if you stay together happily forever, one of you has to die first, except in the very unlikely situation you both die on the same day. Does that mean the relationship wasn't worth having? Surely it's about the fun and the life experiences that you have along the way. That goes for almost everything.

@cwoffeee I agree, tik tok does nothing for my mental health. Although there are some fab things on there, there is also a darker side to it.

I see my friends very often and have multiple friendship groups. When he goes out, I don't just sit in the house I also go out. We also go out in a large group most of the time as some of my friends are partners of his friends. It's rare actually that we go out separately as he always invites me and my friends if there is something on. I still make plenty of time for my friends and see them often so that isn't the issue unfortunately.

I honestly think most men are similar. The only men who have never wronged me are my grandad and my stepdad. No doubt someone will be along shortly to tell me that must be my fault 😂

Read enough on here and you’ll think men are absolute arseholes. But I never post about my husband on here because when I think he’s been an arsehole it’s too low level to complain about. Imagine ‘my husband has been a right prick today because he failed to put the bins out’. I’d be laughed out of here.

Think about us silent mumsnetters, the ones whose husband offends mainly via minor breaches of domestic code, that’s your typical bloke.

Trust him until you have a reason not to, and remember that each man posted about on here is an extreme example (some are absolute corkers).

Yeah because all of these replies are saying men ARE all the same

Mumsnet is bigger than this thread 🙄amd most AIBU posts are along the lines of "why is my boyfriend/husband a shit?"