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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband in a huff...

26 replies

gamerlamer · 30/05/2024 08:17

Asked my husband yesterday if we could make love on the evening which he said yes to.

He didn't really have any communication with me you know, chit chat, general conversations etc which is a huge part of intimacy for me.

The kids were upstairs gaming in the evening, I came up to bed early to read my book after a long day. He followed and still, no conversation but just stroking me and being overly touchy (knowing what he / we want). However. The kids were still awake, in the room next door. I said it was weird and not now.

This totally put me off and killed the mood and I said I'd changed my mind. He then went off on one and asked why would I ask for sex and then take it off the table.

He's now at work and not contacted me at all (always texts to say love you).

I get he's disappointed but surely this is ridiculous?

OP posts:
IncognitoUsername · 30/05/2024 08:24

He’s acting like a petulant child. There could have been many reasons why you changed your mind. What do you normally do about having sex without the kids hearing?

Original poster
gamerlamer · 30/05/2024 08:24

They wouldn't usually be up as late, just this week it's half term

OP posts:
Theredoubtableskins · 30/05/2024 08:30

Why did you ask in advance? It’s like you scheduled it, so he came upstairs and got started with touching you. It’s kinda difficult to make It feel romantic and natural when you’ve already scheduled it in.

Also, what did you want to talk about? You wanted to sit and talk for a while before he could start physically flirting with you? Does he know that? It’s pretty normal for a husband or wife to get into bed together and for one to make a move by kissing or gently touching etc. It won’t have made him feel very good about himself to be told that he put you off it and you didn’t want him.

My partner and I go to bed together and sometimes just cuddle up and sleep, or sometimes one of us will start kissing the other’s neck or put our hands on their chest or side and start stroking. Just… foreplay. And we see how the other responds. What else did you want?

You scheduled it, then got huffy when he started gently touching you and doing foreplay.

MiffedandMiserable · 30/05/2024 08:32

This all seems quite odd to me! Why did you pre-schedule sex? Do you usually do that?

Him not properly speaking to you all day is also weird, and would also put me off. But it all just seems quite forced.

Theredoubtableskins · 30/05/2024 08:32

Obviously changing your mind is totally fine, for any reason. But your reasons may affect your partner and in this case, it’s because he touched you. Instead of chit chat? That will have hurt him or made him feel unattractive etc. I’d have kissed him back, because I wanted him too, but said “the kids are still awake, let’s wait a little.” I wouldn’t have gone on about how he had turned me off and I didn’t want to anymore etc. it’s all very cold.

Original poster
gamerlamer · 30/05/2024 08:35

Sorry to confirm, the chit chat thing was generally speaking - not in bed. As in intimacy for me starts in the day.

We "scheduled" it because of the shifts he works, he is often asleep early. I know this might be odd to people but this isn't out of the ordinary for us

And surely others would find it weird having sec whilst the kids are literally awake in the room next door?

OP posts:
Original poster
gamerlamer · 30/05/2024 08:35

Sex*

OP posts:
DonnaBanana · 30/05/2024 08:36

You can withdraw consent at any time and he is not allowed to be in a grump about it assuming he’s a fully grown mature man. Scheduling sex is a silly idea though because it gives them something to look forward to.

Cheepcheepcheep · 30/05/2024 08:39

We often say ‘early night tonight..?’ to each other, I don’t think that’s weird. But it’s hardly a binding contract. I don’t think I’d be too worried about the lack of chat during the day - for us if I’d proposed an early night he’d assume I was already ‘in that place’. But the kids being awake would be a no for me, and there have been plenty times of times when we’ve not been able to have sex when life gets in the way. Getting in a huff is just childish and would be a turn off for me… it’s just the reality of juggling a romantic relationship and a busy family life!

Sweden99 · 30/05/2024 08:42

I suggest he feels humiliated.
From his perspective, you told him when sex would be acceptable. Then, when the time came, you were not in the mood. He tried to open up and be intimate and was shot down.
I do not know. It might be that from his perspective he was invited to open up and be intimate and you reacted with repulsion.

Original poster
gamerlamer · 30/05/2024 08:49

But it wasn't "the time"?

It is never something we would do when the kids are awake and in the next room. He knows that.

Previously he has always said to me to wake him when I come upstairs / if I want to.

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2024 08:50

I think he's allowed to be annoyed that it didn't happen. He's not allowed to put pressure on the OP or coerce her but I'd be annoyed about my husband saying we were going to do something I was looking forward to (be it sex or going out for dinner) and then taking it off the table. It's not ideal that he's in the huff but it's just a manifestation of disappointment.

C1N1C · 30/05/2024 08:52

So you scheduled sex, he tried to initiate and you said "it was weird and not now."

Obviously, you're absolutely allowed to say no, but that was a humiliation.

The use of the word 'weird' suggests icky and uncomfortable, and considering you'd asked for it earlier, for him to be shot down like that would naturally make him feel uncomfortable and betrayed.

"It's not what you said, it's how you said it"... I'd have gone with "honey, I want you so bad, but let's wait until the kids are asleep"... OK, not those words, but you get the gist.

Theredoubtableskins · 30/05/2024 08:53

What was the point in posting if you won’t accept another point of view other than your own?

You’ve rejected him. That doesn’t feel nice when you’re the one who asked for sex.

The talking during the day… was he actively not talking to you? Was he mean and ignoring you? Or was it just life? A normal day doing other things, relaxing, working, having some quiet time etc.

It all seems very conditional, very on your terms, with very little love or passion involved.

MermaidEyes · 30/05/2024 08:56

I get the scheduling bit, sometimes dh and I will say shall we do something later today, when we've finished work/kids have gone out etc. But you knew it was half term and the kids were likely to be staying up later so I think you should have factored that into account really if you don't like doing it when they're awake.

IncognitoUsername · 30/05/2024 09:19

MermaidEyes · 30/05/2024 08:56

I get the scheduling bit, sometimes dh and I will say shall we do something later today, when we've finished work/kids have gone out etc. But you knew it was half term and the kids were likely to be staying up later so I think you should have factored that into account really if you don't like doing it when they're awake.

I thought the same. It’s a bit strange to suggest sex when you know the children will be up late because it’s half term.

LaurenOlivier · 30/05/2024 10:15

Sweden99 · 30/05/2024 08:42

I suggest he feels humiliated.
From his perspective, you told him when sex would be acceptable. Then, when the time came, you were not in the mood. He tried to open up and be intimate and was shot down.
I do not know. It might be that from his perspective he was invited to open up and be intimate and you reacted with repulsion.

Humiliation? Repulsion? Jesus what words to use in the context of someone changing their mind because they don't want their children to hear them having sex.

Anyone can withdraw consent at any time, and withdrawing consent should not lead the other person to feel "humiliated" in a stable relationship. Hell, I've asked my partner to stop halfway through before as I'd lost my focus and there wasn't an issue!

Sweden99 · 30/05/2024 10:29

LaurenOlivier · 30/05/2024 10:15

Humiliation? Repulsion? Jesus what words to use in the context of someone changing their mind because they don't want their children to hear them having sex.

Anyone can withdraw consent at any time, and withdrawing consent should not lead the other person to feel "humiliated" in a stable relationship. Hell, I've asked my partner to stop halfway through before as I'd lost my focus and there wasn't an issue!

Show quote history

I hope I made it clear I was not justifying it. I am suggesting that feeling might be his reaction, it does not even mean he considers it reasonable.
We are human.

Noseybookworm · 30/05/2024 11:16

I guess he probably felt a bit rejected? You could have said the kids are still awake so let's wait a while and had a bit of a kiss and a cuddle? You didn't have to be quite so blunt and negative 🤷‍♀️

Hont1986 · 30/05/2024 12:01

You seem to be assigning a lot of blame to him for something that seems to be mostly your fault. Have you apologised to him yet?

Sweden99 · 30/05/2024 12:04

Noseybookworm · 30/05/2024 11:16

I guess he probably felt a bit rejected? You could have said the kids are still awake so let's wait a while and had a bit of a kiss and a cuddle? You didn't have to be quite so blunt and negative 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps.
We were not there (it would have been awkward) so we do not know the situation.
Certainly, had he rejected her and been repulsed by her being handsy, we would understand why she was upset. That said, he should get over it.

Original poster
gamerlamer · 30/05/2024 12:11

Hont1986 · 30/05/2024 12:01

You seem to be assigning a lot of blame to him for something that seems to be mostly your fault. Have you apologised to him yet?

Yes, I have actually. I have explained my side of things and said I apologise if he does feel rejected. I am yet to receive a response to this.

OP posts:
Sweden99 · 30/05/2024 12:17

gamerlamer · 30/05/2024 12:11

Yes, I have actually. I have explained my side of things and said I apologise if he does feel rejected. I am yet to receive a response to this.

Show quote history

I suspect that if he posted, I would tell him to grow up and get over it.
As it is you who is posting, I would suggest that "Sorry if you felt rejected" is similar to "It is ridiculous for you to feel rejected".

gamerchick · 30/05/2024 12:18

I think I'd be a bit miffed. A scheduled long talkative foreplay and then being told no I've changed my mind because it wasn't the right time would do my head in.

However, anyone is allowed to take away consent at any time. I'd still feel a bit miffed at the whole thing. Those feelings are also allowed

KreedKafer · 30/05/2024 12:25

If my boyfriend suggested sex, went up to bed early, and then when I cuddled up to him to try and initiate he said “No, because you weren’t being chatty enough about mundane crap this evening and anyway, when I said ‘tonight’ I didn’t mean at this precise time, it’s weird” I would feel really confused, rejected and humiliated.

Of course he would still be entitled to refuse sex. But I would be hurt and wondering why he was manipulating me and messing around with my feelings and I probably wouldn’t be texting him the next day to tell him I love him.