To ask how you got confident?

[NeedAChang]

I’m struggling with my self esteem /confidence. I,ve always been shy due to dysfunctional family I kept my head down but as an adult it’s affecting my entire life. I can’t talk to people for longer than a few mins. I can’t make small talk and get nervous when meeting people. I can’t talk in work meetings. I feel I want to hide myself away all the time.

Ive had CBT but had not helped.

Years ago I read Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I loved it and it set me on a path of self appreciation. I have been working on it ever since with books, courses etc.

Maybe try a different therapist?

Do you have any hobbies or skills/ talents. So say you’re a really good knitter or cyclist then join a group. You will meet like minded people, become an expert on something and so always have the confidence that brings and something to talk about.
How old are you? I’ve found I have got more confidence with age and life experience. Seeing others in certain superior positions in life and realising they’re not all that. 😂There’s an element of faking it til you make it. Try to take interest in others to deflect from you. Smile and ask them about themselves. People like people who are interested in them.

You Can Heal Your Life 💖

My sympathies @Ohnodontwantthiscrush

I wouldn't recommend my way of becoming confident to anyone. It involved overcoming a lot of traumatic situations.

In your case, though, it looks like you withdraw into your comfort zone too easily. You can start by setting yourself small challenges. Successfully dealing with those challenges will increase your confidence, in time.

Sorry?

Lost loads of weight, learned how to be funny, took makeup tutorials, have my hair and nails maintained (natural looking), and spent time cultivating outfits that make me feel good. Now I go out knowing I present well, speak well and am generally likeable.

I've overcome severe trauma, sexual abuse and have made my life from nothing. So I'm confident in what I've built because I DID IT. Once you love yourselves, others love you too,

Pretending. Acting confidently makes people think you are and treat you accordingly. Doing things that push your comfort zone. Keep reading and learning. Be interesting and interested. One step at a time though.

Realised people walked allover me and took advantage. Confidence protects me as I will stick up for myself. Also I reached my 40’s and stopped caring so much about what people think of me.

@ExhaustedGoose 😃Well done.

Bluntly, I recognised that my mother, who had taught her daughters that shyness is appealing and that the worst thing a girl or woman can be is confident, was wrong. Shyness may make you overlookable, pitiable, or actually irritating to people. It’s not a recipe for a successful work life or good friendships. Understandably, most people would prefer to socialise with and work with someone they don’t have to coax into conversation.

OP, behaviours are done for a reason. It sounds as if keeping your head down in a dysfunctional family kept you safe. Now that survival mechanism is having a negative impact on your adult life. I’d suggest more therapy, not CBT, in order for you to focus on yourself and your childhood scripts and adaptations.

Getting older and more experienced. At work it’s because I am quite passionate about what I do so I’m bothered about doing it right and research things a lot. Socially having kids helped because I had to be confident for them. Oh and when out, a couple of drinks!

Thank you all

@ExhaustedGoose Sorry for your experiences. It gives me hope I can recover too. I had SA from aged 8-10 (I think maybe earlier) by a close male relative. My mum pushed it out of the way and said doesn’t matter and it happens. I was encouraged to be quiet and shy as a PP poster also said about her mum. My mum thinks shyness and not making eye contact is what “good girls” do. My sisters physically attacked me from a young age too and my middle sister would call me ugly because people would say to my mum how beautiful I was, I never saw it myself btw.

@Divilabit can I ask what kind of therapy? My NHS only does CBT. It’s never worked for me, interested in other types but I have no idea

Oh gosh op I’m so sorry. Good luck and well done for taking the first steps.

That all sounds very familiar, OP, except I never told my parents about the SA (I was 9) because they wouldn’t have wanted to ‘make a fuss’. Nice girls don’t complain. Nice women don’t challenge authority and make other people uncomfortable. Nice women never say ‘no’ to men.

Except that’s nonsense. If shyness and not making eye contact were a recipe for happiness and popularity, you’d be on top of the world now. My mother is a friendless 80 year old seething with unconscious resentment that, as she sees it, she’s played by the rules all her life, and no one has rewarded it. If I ever needed an example of why shyness doesn’t work as a path to being liked, I have it in front of me. To this day she’s baffled that her non-shrinking violet daughters say ‘no’ to people all the time, and have good friendships.

If I can move past my childhood teaching you can too. You’ve taken the first step in recognising it’s not working for you.

I stopped caring about what other people thought. I know I'm amazing and if they can't see it, then balls to them.

I wear clothes that make me feel good, put on that make up and perfume and rock it.

Everyone is struggling with one issue or another, no one is floating through life on an easy cloud.

Faking it can help, big smile, sunglasses on, tits up and crack on.

@NeedAChang - I'm sorry you have such similar experiences, it's a shit hand to be dealt in life.

I had nightmare years where I hated myself, took massive risks, slept around, did silly stuff. But then I woke up one day after a bender and there was a really beautiful song playing and it was a nice day. I thought, 'I want more'. So I worked my socks off, got an entry level job in my field, worked bloody hard and got promoted, volunteered for any opportunity going. Then met now DH, and he helped me see my worth.

I feel best about myself when I have my 'power outfit' on, hair sorted, nails nicely shaped, and I'm on my way to a meeting when I know I am the most knowledgeable in the room. Of course I have a nagging inner monologue who says I'm faking it all, but I've learned to silence my inner pessimist, and focus on success.

My main character flaw now, is that if I'm not moving forward/have a project, I get very stressy, I need to feel like I'm working towards something all the time - but that's not a bad thing. I dearly hope my experience can be helpful, but loving yourself, is the absolute core of happiness

Thank you all. I think I’m doing it to myself if I’m honest. I’ve put a lot of weight on and I realised I became “invisible” and thats all I wanted my entire childhood. I wanted to be invisible from my cousin so he wouldn’t hurt me, from my neighbours and family friends so they wouldn’t call me “the pretty one” as I knew that would make my 2nd sister hit me later on. I was the youngest and I was an easy target. I always wanted to be invisible. Even now at work I try to hide at meetings which sounds weird I know.

I don’t know what the first step is but I’m thinking: try to get in shape, start feeling good about wanting to look nice.

I missed your later posts, therapy is a good suggestion.
You are worthy despite your family treating you otherwise. Sod them.

Invisibility isnt making you happy though if you asking for confidence.
Value yourself more than anything. 🫂

My therapist trained in humanistic and integrative psychotherapy. I pay for her, but it’s been one of the best investments I’ve ever made. If you can afford it by cutting back somewhere else, I really recommend it. (I’m not in the UK. It’s €60 per session.) You may need to shop around a bit to find a therapist whom you gel with. Check they’re accredited with the BACP.

Keep pushing like you are. Remember every second of a conversation you have you are pushing through and that's a mini win

Right down why you are great and stick it on your mirror or carry is around with you in your bag and read it's every morning and every night OUT LOUD! you will feel stupid at first but gradually you will feel less silly and soon enough it will be easy for you and then you can start believing it

Controversial opinion but doll yourself up. Get your hair done, get nice make up and clothes and perfume. If you look good you will feel good and gives you one less thing to worry about when in conversations or meetings.

Walk with purpose. Wherever you are walking don't just walk slowly if walk faster than usual and with good posture this will make you feel powerful

Where the colour red. It it's a fiery colour it can give you some added oooommmph!

Drink water keep that brain hydrated

Practice introductions and conversations in your head to you know what to say it will help you not be so stressed before a meeting etc

Laugh at yourself or just try randomly laughing. Again you may feel silly at first but just do it - Dane with singing

Get excercise in whenever you can especially things like yoga and Pilates.

Practicing deep breathing and breathing techniques. Have a look on YouTube

And get your self some nice Pajamas, lavender room sprays etc to keep you relaxed before bed so you wake up feeling good to start with - oh and plenty of sleep

@randomas great advice thank you! Can I ask one more thing which might sound weird! But I feel I walk funny and that impacts my confidence. People made comments when I was going through all my upheaval and abuse. It’s stuck with me and I still do feel I walk with my bum sticking out (can’t help it as it’s so big right now 😂). Can I do something about my walk? It may have developed as a way to “hide” myself I think.

Put it this way the most famous models in the world made thier names by not walking like anyone else and having thier own walk. So take what you want from that.

Try waking in the mirror and try doing it slightly different to see what makes you feel more confident. If the walk you have is a comfort thing and you want to break that then try the above. If you feel that even though it's a comfort walk but it does feel the best for you then stick to it just do it with my ooomph, more purpose and just go for it. You are strong you know this, now show the world