To ask how you got confident?

[NeedAChang]

I’m struggling with my self esteem /confidence. I,ve always been shy due to dysfunctional family I kept my head down but as an adult it’s affecting my entire life. I can’t talk to people for longer than a few mins. I can’t make small talk and get nervous when meeting people. I can’t talk in work meetings. I feel I want to hide myself away all the time.

Ive had CBT but had not helped.

Is it bum out, shoulders forward? Maybe posture is something to work on. Stand tall, shoulders back, nose ahead. Hard to stick your bum out then. If it helps, earphones with your favourite confidence boosting music might help. Walk tall, you’ve nothing to hide.

@greengreyblue when I got older the boys in class would joke that I “bounce” when I walk. It wasn’t said in a nice way it was nasty way and more than one said it so it must be true. Also my mum and sisters would laugh at my walk too

Ugh schoolboys just copy what each other say. Your mum and sisters have not been what they should have been so their opinion doesn’t count. People walk in all sorts of ways. Can you film yourself and see what your posture is like? That’ll give you a starting point.

That is so sad :(

Have a look at this article on Core Beliefs to help you understand why you think the way you do and how you can change those thought patterns;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

First of all, show up for yourself (eg exercise goals, daily habits etc) and develop confidence from keeping your own promises.

Second, show up for general classes, eg art classes, book club, even when you don’t want to, and each week just put yourself out there a tiny bit more, gradual step by gradual step!

Third, try initiating a coffee meet up with one or two nice people from group, once you have got up know them a little. Don’t take any rejection personally as people are busy. And try and keep “them” in your head rather than “you”! Imagine that they may be nervous too! Try not to be self-conscious ie conscious of yourself but conscious of others and focus all of your thoughts on their responses, and ask follow up questions! People love to talk about themselves!

That’s a start anyway!

OP you sound fantastic and like you're on fire with a mission to take control of your life and live all your days to the absolutely full. I am in awe of you and your strength and ability to do that after all you've been through.

I'd say walk your walk - get out there and push your heart to the sky (that'll tuck your bum under!) Breathe in confidence with every step and bounce along full of beans. See the world all around you and how wonderful it can be. Listen to the birdsong or but your headphones on and rock around your block.

Then buy a new top or a good book, do your favourite hobby or dance to your best music. Surround yourself only with positive, supportive, good people. Do things you love - you deserve it and it will raise you up.

I built my confidence by gently, every day, pushing myself out of my comfort zone a little. I'd strike up conversation with the person on my table at lunchtime, I'd go for a swim in the sea pool even though I felt fat (the sky didn't fall in and I LOVED it.)

There's a brilliant quote which helped me. I think it's Kevin McCloud of all people!
"I started off worrying that everyone was thinking about me. Then I stopped caring what they thought. Then I realised that they weren't even thinking about me in the first place."

Be you! You are enough. Live life to the full.

Keep coming back on here - lots of us have been or are going through the process you are (in our own ways) and we can share your triumphs and questions with you.

Moved around the world leaving friends and family behind so had no choice
Got older
Realised nobody is thinking about you.

Something that has really helped me is a thing called rapid tapping.

If you Google Poppy Delbridge, She has an app with a free trial but I would recommend first having a look at her interview on Fearne Cotton's happy place podcast.

Lots of good advice on here. Only thing I'd add is that most people are less confident than you might think, so don't put too much pressure on yourself to change. And no one gets confident and then does something. It only really comes from doing things and builds as you go, and as you realise that nothing bad happened when you put yourself out there, or even if it did, it's not the end of the world. Start small, do something that scares you - speak in a meeting or brave the small talk (ask questions about them, be interested, think about making them at ease not about how you're feeling) - and step by step, it'll build your confidence. The gym etc is good too, but for health and for good energy, not to feed into the idea that aesthetics are what makes you confident. Some of the fittest, greatest looking people are still hugely insecure. Focus on doing things and then the confidence will gradually come. Good luck with it.

Do you have much of a friend circle? My friends and I always celebrate each other and that helps a lot, you could meet people through a shared activity for example. If you don't have close friends yet, be your own best friend and regularly remind yourself of why you are great. If that's a struggle, could be worth trying a different therapist.
Practice making eye contact, smiling and saying hello, prepare a few things you can ask in any situation (eg Is anyone else watching X TV show? Has anyone tried this new restaurant in our town? This is my first time at pilates, I'm a bit nervous) It will soon become habit and you will give off a friendly aura.
When I was a painfully, painfully shy teenager I began just setting myself goals, starting with saying hello to the people I sat next to in my lessons - it really was that bad that this was a big deal! Over time I developed the skill and now actively enjoy going to new things and meeting people. I'm still not a loud person but I'm friendly and confident in myself.

Getting confident isn't something that just happens. It takes a time and work. For me it took a year of therapy. I also made myself do things that were outside my comfort zone. I joined groups and did a couple of courses. Having that feeling of I achieved something just for myself really helped.

Fake it. Invent a new persona (I did this when I changed jobs). Suddenly I WAS confident.

https://www.awesomebooks.com/book/9780704334205/a-woman-in-your-own-right-assertiveness-and-you/used was a useful book