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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m the problem not my DH

35 replies

2024Mu · 30/05/2024 06:36

My child had an activity yesterday where parents had to stay on site whilst it’s being done but usually we drop and go on weekend but as the format was different and it’s half term we were expected to stay for around 3 hours. After a long chat with DH regarding he doesn’t spend much time with us as a family and work takes priority he came to this with me as he had no meetings that afternoon. This is very rare as he never takes time off for anything.

I had a realisation that I’m the problem not him, I might be wrong as my mental health is not great right now. I thought I’d post and get some insight/advice:

I don’t really see the parents much as it’s usually drop and go but my child’s best friend from school was there too. The mum is pleasant - we say hello when we see each other at school, we’ve rarely been to each other’s homes but when we have it’s pleasant and usually for a kids party etc. Well I asked her to join me and DH whilst we were waiting for the kids and it was so awkward! I kept getting tongue tied and nervous but DH was breezily chatting away for ages to a person he doesn’t know and has never met. This made me think it might just be me. I got nervous when ordering my drink too as I wasn’t sure if hot drinks could be taken outside. He later commented on this and said I was practically shaking asking the guy. I know to an extent my mental health has been caused by the relationship with DH (he never speaks to me, shares any plans, looks at me with disgust etc).

i feel so bad about myself. I’ve put on a lot of weight since things got worse with us (since birth of my youngest as I got overwhelmed but he didn’t step in to help me).

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 30/05/2024 06:41

“I know to an extent my mental health has been caused by the relationship with DH (he never speaks to me, shares any plans, looks at me with disgust etc).”

Why are you thinking you’re the problem and not DH? You just said this whole thing is caused by his actions so wouldn’t he be the problem?

Original poster
2024Mu · 30/05/2024 06:42

@Coconutter24 but at what point do I take responsibility and change things? How can I change things? I don’t want to keep blaming him as I think a stronger person would have dealt with it better

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 30/05/2024 06:43

He sounds like your typical manipulative arsehole. Charming to strangers, a cold bastard to his partner.

Can you afford some counselling for yourself? Are you being treated by your GP for anxiety or mental health issues? Please consider opening up about the relationship with your ‘partner’ to someone who can help to get you help.

Original poster
2024Mu · 30/05/2024 06:45

@NoSquirrels YES! he was very charming. I was trying to find the right words. He was so lovely and made me think he could be like that to be too but I’ve made him nasty to me (I know it sounds weird but I can’t think of another way to put it)

but surely if it was all him I wouldn’t get tongue tied talking to this mum. I’ve had countless conversations with her but recently I’ve felt I can’t hold a conversation as I feel so unwell mentally.

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 30/05/2024 06:47

Tell us more about him not stepping in to help and the fact he doesn’t speak to you? And how you think these things are somehow your fault?

Lifelong · 30/05/2024 06:50

So you were out with your absusive arsehole of a husband who did the typical Mr. Charming act that highly abusive men are well known for.

Please contact Women's aid and talk about his treatment of you.
You need to protect yourself, your mental health and your children from him.

HE is the problem and YOU need advice and support.

Original poster
2024Mu · 30/05/2024 06:52

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers to things like he doesn’t attend any of the kids plays and doesn’t ask how they went. I send him photos and videos where I can but sometimes we can’t take them and he still doesn’t ask. He doesn’t ask how I am. When kids are sick I have to take time off my part time job which can make things awkward with work. He doesn’t share plans with me so I’m at home waiting and cooked dinner but he never turns up and then tells me he had a dinner thing at work and told he weeks ago but I know he hadn’t.

He’s not interested in my or kids lives. He doesn’t even know what year the kids are in. Never even met any of the childrens teachers. He doesn’t like people being in the house when he comes from work or on weekends. I do everything around the house. Which I don’t mind as he does work longer hours than me.

OP posts:
hopscotcher · 30/05/2024 06:52

Don't be hard on yourself for getting tongue tied talking to the other mum. These things happen; it's not a fault or a weakness on your part, and you don't feel well at the moment.
It doesn't sound as though your DH does much to support you or boost your confidence. He never speaks to you?

Octavia64 · 30/05/2024 06:53

I found that when I left my anxiety improved massively and I realised I'm a perfectly good person he just needs to bring someone down.

It's not you.

It's really really really not you.

Original poster
2024Mu · 30/05/2024 07:01

@Octavia64 if this is not too personal - can you share how you felt around him? Don’t worry if you can’t, I’m just wondering if it’s the same.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 30/05/2024 07:03

2024Mu · 30/05/2024 06:45

@NoSquirrels YES! he was very charming. I was trying to find the right words. He was so lovely and made me think he could be like that to be too but I’ve made him nasty to me (I know it sounds weird but I can’t think of another way to put it)

but surely if it was all him I wouldn’t get tongue tied talking to this mum. I’ve had countless conversations with her but recently I’ve felt I can’t hold a conversation as I feel so unwell mentally.

Edited

It is not you causing him to behave that way towards you. It is HIM - he is an abusive person. Nothing you do can change him. You can only help yourself (and your DC) by leaving this relationship.

You know your mental health is poor right now but that’s not your fault. It’s what happens to humans when they try to endure things they shouldn’t have to, without support and kindness.

Eyesopenwideawake · 30/05/2024 07:05

You don't have a MH problem, you have a DH problem. Walking on eggshells is not good for your posture.

Coconutter24 · 30/05/2024 07:14

2024Mu · 30/05/2024 06:42

@Coconutter24 but at what point do I take responsibility and change things? How can I change things? I don’t want to keep blaming him as I think a stronger person would have dealt with it better

Do it now, it sounds clear he is the cause of your mental health problems you literally said that yourself. So now you know that you have to think about your next move. Do you want to remain in a relationship with someone who causes you so much anxiety? Have you had counselling or any help for any of this?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 30/05/2024 07:15

Working full time does not mean that you should absolve yourself of any chores or anything to do with the children, this just isn’t acceptable. You’re anxious because you’re getting zero support and having to use all your energy to function, keep the kids and the house on your own within the whole overarching atmosphere he is creating, ie that you have no worth.

Octavia64 · 30/05/2024 07:16

How I felt around him was complicated.

I had a part time job as I was primarily responsible for the children. I'd taken a career break until they were in school.

He blamed me for anything they did "wrong" which upset me as I felt I put a lot of effort into parenting.

He wasn't around much during the week so we had a reasonable time then, but he was around at the weekends and would often get upset at something I or the children did. I used to worry I wasn't coping with things well enough and that I wasn't good enough.

I was also quite anxious around him as he would often change his mind about things and then deny he'd ever done it.

Original poster
2024Mu · 30/05/2024 07:21

@Octavia64 thsbk you. I feel the same regarding week is not bad but weekends I dread.

OP posts:
Lifelong · 30/05/2024 07:52

You are being horribly abused as are your children.
Have you family and friends to support you?
You desperately need to contact Women's aid for support.

This is not your fault.

Steakandwine · 30/05/2024 09:40

You shouldn't feel anxious around your husband. If he knows your mental health is bad he should be helping you, not making comments the way he has.

Being stronger has nothing to do with this in fact getting through each day when you are struggling is strong!

NowYouSee · 30/05/2024 09:55

Op I think you might have been better if you’d continued this on your thread from yesterday. Which has some important context to the relationship but you hardly posted again on.

I really think you could benefit from real life counselling by yourself as you are clearly extremely unhappy and I suspect not thinking fully straight.

Choochoo21 · 30/05/2024 12:03

There are 2 separate issues here.

Your anxiety - which is why you struggle to chat easily to people and order drinks.

And your DH.

You will actually probably find that the issues with your DH makes your anxiety worse.

Although as a dad and a partner he should be involved, I think it’s important for you to do things out of your comfort zone and speak to new people to help with your anxiety.

I do think it’s easier to talk to strangers than people you half know though too.

I really struggled talking to other parents and I never made any mum friends because of it but if I’m with my sister and she talks to a mum from her school, then I can happily be chatty.

Your biggest issue is of course your DH though and this needs to be dealt with if you want everything else to improve.

He sounds like a twat.

Original poster
2024Mu · 30/05/2024 12:30

I just keep going over yesterday and the number of times I got so flustered it was embarrassing. He’s back to being cold to me. This is not first time it happened as he once drunkly confided to my sister (who he usually hates and is equally cold with. He’s actually said the words he hates her as she makes him question his thinking e.g. I wasn’t allowed to spend Xmas with family I had to go to his) he told me sister his 2 sisters were fighting and hadn’t spoken for 3 years. I to this day have no idea about this as he denied it. He tells me nothing. Once his aunty’s husband died and he never told me and I stupidly asked her where uncle was and she burst out crying and people looked angry with me which fully understand.

OP posts:
BloodyAdultDC · 30/05/2024 12:34

2024Mu · 30/05/2024 06:52

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers to things like he doesn’t attend any of the kids plays and doesn’t ask how they went. I send him photos and videos where I can but sometimes we can’t take them and he still doesn’t ask. He doesn’t ask how I am. When kids are sick I have to take time off my part time job which can make things awkward with work. He doesn’t share plans with me so I’m at home waiting and cooked dinner but he never turns up and then tells me he had a dinner thing at work and told he weeks ago but I know he hadn’t.

He’s not interested in my or kids lives. He doesn’t even know what year the kids are in. Never even met any of the childrens teachers. He doesn’t like people being in the house when he comes from work or on weekends. I do everything around the house. Which I don’t mind as he does work longer hours than me.

Edited

Leave him op.

I was exactly like that - tongue-tied around friends, nervous, never felt 'enough', blamed myself. Not long after I left him my friends began to comment on the difference in me since I didn't have him in my life.

It's not you, it's him.

LifeExperience · 30/05/2024 13:15

OP, you are not the problem. You are in an abusive marriage and it is close to completely breaking you. Thinking it's your fault is the result of his gaslighting and manipulation of you. Please get counseling to figure out why you have been willing to put up with this horrible situation for so long.

And please get your children out of this abusive home life. The children of abusers tend to do poorly in life unless their mum stops the abuse cycle. Please love your children enough to do that.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/05/2024 13:28

@Coconutter24 but at what point do I take responsibility and change things? How can I change things? I don’t want to keep blaming him as I think a stronger person would have dealt with it better

What needs changing is him. But you can't do that. And why would you want to stay in a relationship where you have to try to be a stronger person in order to deal better with how horribly your husband treats you? That's no way to live. He is horrible and has no respect for you and no interest in you as a person or in your children. How could you not blame him? How could any of this possibly be your fault? It sounds like he has reduced you to a shell of yourself.

Choochoo21 · 30/05/2024 14:03

I wasn’t allowed to spend Xmas with family I had to go to his

Read this again OP.

What do you mean he wouldn’t LET you.

You are a grown adult, not a child and he’s not your parent.

If you can’t agree on something then you find a way to compromise.
One person doesn’t have the final say.
(In this situation you could have done half of the day each or celebrated it separately or something).

What would have happened if you had said no and that you’re seeing your parents instead?

Do you ever say no/have the final say?

The trouble is with situations like this, is that the person is so good at being controlling/manipulative that their partner doesn’t even realise it.

There has probably been many occasions where he’s got what he wants and you’ve not even noticed or you’ve thought it was your own idea.