To think I’m the problem not my DH

[2024Mu]

My child had an activity yesterday where parents had to stay on site whilst it’s being done but usually we drop and go on weekend but as the format was different and it’s half term we were expected to stay for around 3 hours. After a long chat with DH regarding he doesn’t spend much time with us as a family and work takes priority he came to this with me as he had no meetings that afternoon. This is very rare as he never takes time off for anything.

I had a realisation that I’m the problem not him, I might be wrong as my mental health is not great right now. I thought I’d post and get some insight/advice:

I don’t really see the parents much as it’s usually drop and go but my child’s best friend from school was there too. The mum is pleasant - we say hello when we see each other at school, we’ve rarely been to each other’s homes but when we have it’s pleasant and usually for a kids party etc. Well I asked her to join me and DH whilst we were waiting for the kids and it was so awkward! I kept getting tongue tied and nervous but DH was breezily chatting away for ages to a person he doesn’t know and has never met. This made me think it might just be me. I got nervous when ordering my drink too as I wasn’t sure if hot drinks could be taken outside. He later commented on this and said I was practically shaking asking the guy. I know to an extent my mental health has been caused by the relationship with DH (he never speaks to me, shares any plans, looks at me with disgust etc).

i feel so bad about myself. I’ve put on a lot of weight since things got worse with us (since birth of my youngest as I got overwhelmed but he didn’t step in to help me).

Thank you for the posts everyone. I feel so down I just feel everyone would be happier if I just died. I’m 100% NOT going to act on this feeling as my kids would be messed up for life with their mum dying and I know it’s my depression taking hold but I just feel like that right now.

Lovie, please seek professional help. Everyone, bar none, on this thread can see that the problem is not you but we can understand that you don't see that - yet.

Be it your GP, Women's Aid or the Samaritans - there are people who can help with the practicalities whilst the wonderful people on her can hold your head above water.

I'm finding this so strange, you are worried about difficulty making small talk with a stranger and you mention, like in passing, that DH doesn't even know what year kids are in, doesn't tell you when he is home for dinner and doesn't like people in the house. Absolutely nine of this is OK or normal OP, this feels much bigger than the incident at the activity. I'm glad you posted, I think this might be the beginning of a slow realisation that you are in a toxic relationship. Please feel free to keep updating and we will all do our best to keep you strong xxx

He's an abusive arsehole. Your mental health will improve massively if you can get free of his abuse. You don't deserve this, it isn't you, you haven't done anything.

Talk to your sister if she's sympathetic, contact Women's Aid. Small steps will get you there. Also, Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' is often recommended on here and is great if you can get a copy (Kindle or on your phone app) that you can read safely without him seeing it.

The being charming with other people is all part of the abuse, he's doing it on purpose to make you feel even worse.

but surely if it was all him I wouldn’t get tongue tied talking to this mum. I’ve had countless conversations with her but recently I’ve felt I can’t hold a conversation as I feel so unwell mentally

OK, stop right there.

You were tongue-tied and your mental health is suffering because your husband is emotionally abusive and cruel, and because you are essentially managing the whole household with no support while he ignores you and the children. Anyone would be anxious, depressed and would have self-esteem at rock bottom if they were in your situation.

You have done literally NOTHING wrong. You are NOT the problem. Your husband is the problem. If he wanted to be charming and chatty to you in the same way he is to others, he could do so. But he chooses not to because - spoiler alert - he's not a very nice man and he'd rather control you and keep you scared and nervous by treating you like shit.

You definitely need some mental health support. I think therapy - alone, NOT with your husband - would definitely help you see that your husband is the root of your problems.

I feel so down I just feel everyone would be happier if I just died

OP, nobody would be happier if you died. You are essentially parenting your kids on your own. Your husband isn't parenting them in any way whatsoever. He doesn't even know what school year they're in. He is very much the expendable one in the family, not you. You are, frankly, bloody incredible.

If your child was in a relationship with someone who treated them like your DP treated you, and had MH problems because of it, would you think they needed to be tougher and just deal with it? No you wouldn't.
You are deserving of love and gentle care just as you no doubt give to your children. Our brains need love and care just like our bodies need food and water. There isn't something wrong with you, you are not getting what you need.
Please consider trying therapy, OP - you need a safe space to be listened to.

@2024Mu It isn't you it is your Husband. It is crystal clear that this man is an abuser. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Looking at this post following on from your post yesterday about you getting the blame because he didn't get a promotion, your OH is clearly the reason for most of your anxiety/depression.

Please speak to Women's aid or similar and get away from this man as soon as you can

It doesn't sound like you're in a supportive loving relationship OP. No wonder you feel anxious and tense around him. I suspect your mental health would improve greatly if he wasn't around. Please talk to a close friend or family member about how you're feeling and how your husband treats you. Get their support so you can start making a plan to separate from him. You deserve to feel safe and happy 💐

Please speak to your GP lovey, you need some support if you're feeling so desperately low. You are loved and needed. You have done nothing wrong and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help - knowing when you need help is a strength not a weakness. You can get support from Women's Aid and Samaritans too. Make the call and talk to someone, it will help I promise

Husband looks at you with disgust? 😢
So sorry, OP.
It's definitely not you.
My husband is a fairly decent person, however,
my extremely low self confidence was caused by abusive parents in another country, therefore thinking others looked at me with disgust, too.
The way you feel would improve massively
if you leave that bastard.
❤️