Something needs to change - how do you all fit everything in?

[Overworked24]

I feel so overwhelmed right now.

I have 2 DC, I work compressed hours 4 days a week and look after my DC on my day off (so not really a day off!).

On a normal day, I get back from the school run 3 minutes before I am due to start work and I will work right up to the point of having to go and get my DC from nursery (DH does the other pick up as it is in the opposite direction).

I am then working every week night. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to catch up with life. Things stay in piles around the house for weeks, if not months. My DH does so much around the house, but these are my things that I need to sort out (paperwork, things to sell etc). I don't have time to do anything for myself, we both want to do bedtime during the week as we only see the, for such a short amount of time I wouldn't want to miss bath and bed and neither does my DH.

I broke down last night, I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I am living to work and as a result I am being so snappy with my DC and I have no patience with them. Some days, I don't even shower or brush my hair because work is so full on.

I know I will be judged for this, but we would really like another baby so something has to give if this is going to happen, but equally I don't want to quit my job as it will affect my SMP so I feel like I am stuck. I know the simple solution is to reduce my hours, but in my line of work it's also not that simple. I can't do 3 days per week in my current job and I've only just changed companies.

I just feel like my wellbeing and mental health is being affected and I would love to know how you all do it. I see people who have time to go to the gym, constantly clean their home, always do things for themselves and I just feel like I can't find that balance.

What are your working hours OP? Just as you say you are working after school drop off and then working week nights, what hours do you work on your working days? X

Do you need the money from the stuff to sell? I had a pile of stuff and ended up putting it to the charity shop. It was just a hassle and not worth the time listing everything. Not to mention posting it.
It's hard as working parents though, never enough hours in the day.

Could you afford to send the kids to nursery 5 days a week and spread your work hours over those 5 days? It would free up a lot of time for you to do a bit of cleaning and prep dinner before picking the kids up.

Also use your annual leave for a break and to do a bit of life admin. It's really hard juggling everything when kids are young but before you know it they will be teens and not need you as much and you'll have loads of time to clean etc. Don't be hard on yourself it's tough.

What about your partner reducing his hours?

That pile of stuff to sell - just bin it.

Why on earth when you already can’t cope would you want to add another baby? I’m sorry, I don’t understand???

I work full time, always have. I don’t think it’s that hard, I’ve never felt overwhelmed, everything has always got done, but it’s clearly already too much for you?

don’t make life even harder for yourself!

I mean where to start? You both do bath and bed every night because you can’t bear to miss it? Sorry but I can’t relate to that at all. Me and DH constantly tag team during the week so we can get some time to do hobbies.

I hate to say it but why are you planning another child if you are breaking down in tears from exhaustion? Surely your focus should be on getting your mental and physical health into a better position? Add to that starting a new job, you’ve got enough on your plate surely?

Finally put your DC into childcare on your day off if you can afford it. You’ll be amazed the difference that one change alone will make to your ability to plough through some stuff.

People don't clean their homes all the time, go to the gym, have an active family life with two small children AND have a job thats so full on they don't get time to shower and have to work evenings. They may do one of two of these, but not all, as there's not enough hours in the day, as you've discovered.
Seems to me it's your job thats the problem as every job has to allow breaks, and yours seems not to...? Is there a reason the workload is so high? Is it something you could discuss with your manager? Could you look for a different job?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

@Mrsttcno1 I work 8.75 hours per day, 4 days per week.

I will look to take the things to the charity shop, thank you.

My previous job was the same, but this one is more intense (it's the industry I work in unfortunately) so I'm not sure it is right for me. I will take some annual leave to catch up and try not to let things get on top of me.

Thank you again

@Youcannotbeseriousreally and @AFmammaG thank you both, I will take on board your suggestions. I don't think I am breaking down from exhaustion, it is more just being overwhelemed with not having enough time, but I do understand it is linked.

Why would you want another baby when you're already massively overwhelmed as it is?

That does sound tough so I do sympathise. Do you WFH? The only way I manage to get chores/life admin done is by using the time I used to spend commuting (so 45 mins-ish before work and after work).

Appreciate you can’t really do that as you’re working compressed hours but would you consider going back to a 7 hour day for those 4 days? That would give you back 1.75 hours per day which would help an awful lot!

I agree with pp’s don’t add another baby @Overworked24 it sounds like you need to declutter and clean as you go.

@thelengthspeoplegoto wrong thread I think!

Can you just do 4 days a week rather than 4 compressed? I'm sure you will end up doing the same work for less pay but it will give you some flexibility and breathing space in terms of start, finish and break times.

I've been where you are and had to accept the compressed days didn't work with small children. I had the option to drop to 3 days fortunately!

Now they are a bit older (KS1 at school) I've gone back to 4 full days and it's a good balance. I go to the gym for 6.30am 2 working days a week and I'm back for 8am to finish off breakfast and school run. On my 'day off' I go to the gym straight after the school run and fit in all the mental load jobs after that. If there is time left I spend an hour or so on my hobby before the school run.

On Saturday they go to a drop and go hobby which buys me 1hr of time to either go to the gym or just sit and chill.

I'm only able to do this because I now have school age children rather than babies or nursery age children...

A 3rd child will give you a year off as maternity leave but mean another 4-5 years until you are 'free' again. I would think very carefully if you can afford it emotionally.

Also automate/outsource as much as you can if you do stay on the compressed hours.

I would personally increase the childcare.. before/after school clubs, max hours in nursery if you want the 5th day with kids, or add a 5th nursery day in.. the difference it makes to mental health and family life can be really significant..

Sometimes we rush to have the kids home the max time, but if that time is spent cooking/cleaning/not having quality time with them they're better off doing a club/having fun with peers while you get things in order and then have the time you do spend together as real quality time.

Charity shop the stuff you was planning to sell; you don't need that extra burden (unless it's stuff that is high value) and be kind to yourself. If you can get 10 hours from a nursery on those 4 days and that gives you a half hour either side of drop off and pick ups, plus a fed child, do the full 10 hours, and consider a half day on the 5th day.

If money allows for it consider household help also, someone cleaning the house/doing the garden again means the time you get as a family is quality

Just to say this really resonates OP. Not wanting to miss a precious moment, but being dragged in a million directions - so tough. Sending you love and strength x

No , OP said she had piles of things to sort out , maybe sell @thelengthspeoplegoto suggested just taking to the charity shop instead.

@Overworked24 why on earth would you add another child ?

Can you get a cleaner maybe? I am not sure you will be able to cope with another baby if I am honest.

I don't know what your industry is, but if it's literally so inflexible that part time of any kind is not an option then I would question whether it is compatible with what you seem to want out of family life. If you could drop to 4 days (not the 5 days compressed into 4 you currently work) then presumably you wouldn't be working every evening to fit it all in and would have time to draw breath. Could you and DH potentially both drop to 4 days?

If that's really not possible you are either going to have to make some serious changes to your working life or accept that you are not going to get the family life you want while your kids are small, and that's the price you pay for a (presumably fulfilling?) career.

In the meantime, charity shop the pile of stuff sitting looking at you and throw as much money as you have spare at reducing housework and admin. Outsource everything you can afford to.

It sounds like you might be better off working 5 days of not compressed hours.

It's tough, I could have written this. Sending strength x

It is pretty hard when kids are small (& to be honest continues to be a juggle when they are at school but at least childcare costs a lot less). No one has it all covered all the time so the trick is probably being aware what’s crucial and being ruthless about sticking to your priorities (including saying no to work sometimes)

Bear in mind that some people may look like they have it all totally in hand but not necessarily be as with it as they appear and that they might have a lot more help than you. I have had comments from friends that when they first met me I seemed so on top of everything with the kids/work/the house being sorted and they felt a bit intimidated by it. Then they got to know me better and realised that we outsource loads and we are find it stressful too regardless of how it may look.

Can you change nursery setting so pick up is close enough one person could do both? Only having to pick up with OH dropping off is a big help for me. It means I can work 6-3 at home then pick up or 6:15-4:15 in office (kids in wrap around till 4:30 those days). Doing both is a massive challenge & sure that can’t be helping.

Can you make your time with kids pick up - bathtime then let OH do bedtime and get out then? Alternatively could he drop off some days so you could snag time in the morning once or twice a week?

When kids were small & I was off one day with them I always found going out with them loads easier and more chilled than staying in the house. I’d basically pack a change bag/lunch the night before & then just head out as soon as kids were up and dressed. I’d come back in time to put them down for their afternoon nap & usually could get dinner made and have a decent tidy up ready for us to all eat together when OH got home. He’d do same on his day off & along with a bit of batch cooking and the odd takeaway or ready meal that made food fairly easy to sort. Would getting out minimise extra work at home to clean up after activities & could you include some exercise there like a nice long walk with kids in buggy?

I guess if you have 8.5 hours at work & likely 9.5 for getting ready for bed, getting up/ready & sleep that still leaves a reasonable amount of time. Sit down and think how you are using the remaining 6 hours a day. Is there anything you are doing you can stop to give yourself time for your life admin, exercise etc? Is there anything you could afford to outsource? Are there things that are working pretty inefficiently and you could maybe free up some time by being more organised?

Can you afford to use childcare on your day off (or get a babysitter for part of the weekend), just short term to give you some breathing space?