Something needs to change - how do you all fit everything in?

[Overworked24]

I feel so overwhelmed right now.

I have 2 DC, I work compressed hours 4 days a week and look after my DC on my day off (so not really a day off!).

On a normal day, I get back from the school run 3 minutes before I am due to start work and I will work right up to the point of having to go and get my DC from nursery (DH does the other pick up as it is in the opposite direction).

I am then working every week night. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to catch up with life. Things stay in piles around the house for weeks, if not months. My DH does so much around the house, but these are my things that I need to sort out (paperwork, things to sell etc). I don't have time to do anything for myself, we both want to do bedtime during the week as we only see the, for such a short amount of time I wouldn't want to miss bath and bed and neither does my DH.

I broke down last night, I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I am living to work and as a result I am being so snappy with my DC and I have no patience with them. Some days, I don't even shower or brush my hair because work is so full on.

I know I will be judged for this, but we would really like another baby so something has to give if this is going to happen, but equally I don't want to quit my job as it will affect my SMP so I feel like I am stuck. I know the simple solution is to reduce my hours, but in my line of work it's also not that simple. I can't do 3 days per week in my current job and I've only just changed companies.

I just feel like my wellbeing and mental health is being affected and I would love to know how you all do it. I see people who have time to go to the gym, constantly clean their home, always do things for themselves and I just feel like I can't find that balance.

A couple of things that I found helped:
Swapped from a cleaner to a housekeeper for a shorter time but but twice a week in the afternoon. They're more open to a range of tasks, inc some cleaning and it keeps the chaos at bay. I can leave a note with the priorities and then extras if there's time. It seems to save us more time than the cleaner because we spend less time looking for things etc so the stress is also reduced.

Found a company that makes family meals but a home cooked version so still healthy and no upf's. Housekeeper, dh or I can chuck one in the oven. Once a fortnight I put the order through and it magically shows up on the doorstep.

Those two things massively reduced my mental load and kept the whole family running a lot smoother

Not a race to the bottom but I appreciate how difficult it is. I'm a single parent household, work 3 jobs (50 hours per week) and I'm responsible for it ALL. Literally all of it. Two kids.

I would dump the stuff, too much effort to do anything else.

Don't have another baby.

I work with primary aged children and the parents who baffle me most are the ones who seem to have really stressful lives but then have more children! I’ve got 2 because I knew we’d find it difficult to give time to more.

Could you choose one day a week where your husband is in charge and you work through from when he arrives home? Is it really necessary to work so many evenings? Are you working effectively or could you improve that? As a teacher I end up working in the evenings and I know I could get more done in one big go, if only I was motivated enough!

I have a few things I do everyday - shower, cook/clean up after tea (husband shares this), one load of washing on, few clothes away. If I have time I tidy up as I go but it always ends up the weekend is a time I need to do a bigger tidy. Better to do it as you go along.

How old are the DC? If you are doing the childcare on your day off, it sounds like they must be nursery age. It does get easier as they get older as, if you stick to the same working pattern, your day off will actually give you a few hours each week childfree and it is much easier to do a lot of things without any little helpers. Then, as they get older still, it just requires less active parenting so it is easier for one of you to go out and do various errands without wondering what state things will be in when you get home.
Against that, you have the fact that they will then be in school which is only for 39 weeks a year and finishes in the middle of the afternoon so presents a real childcare headache. Plus they will be doing after school clubs and, if they're like mine, this can involve driving hundreds of miles a week not actually being properly at home until 9pm.
One of the best decisions I (well, DH) ever made was not to have a third child. It would have been wonderful in so many ways I am sure but it would have made our day to day lives impossible.

I agree with this. We were planning a third and we were actually managing everything fine at that point while they were in nursery but looking back now with them both primary age and having loads of activities after school it would have been mega stressful to juggle that with a third in the mix. I’m not convinced you’d enjoy it

Can you work from home at all? I get more chores done on a WFH day than I do on my day off with a toddler! (Also, my house has piles of clothes everywhere. I think that's just life with a little one.)

Sorry to jump in... who's the company for the family meals? :)

I agree about getting a cleaner or housekeeper. Perhaps also compromise and put your younger child in nursery for a half day on your day off.

Otherwise perhaps consider waiting until both children are in school before adding a third, so that you have a completely free day during the week.

start with the piles of stuff, the stuff you want to sell, can you honestly be bothered? Charity shop it and get it out of the house.

Get a cleaner once a week, do an online food shop and get it delivered every Sunday morning so you are prepped for the week ahead and put a wash on before bed to take out on a morning.

get up an hour before the rest of the household, have a coffee in peace, take washing out and put on the airer then ensure you are showered, ready and breakfast is prepped before the kids get up. That hour is a game changer

I really mean this in the kindest way and I am speaking from experience....three kids is way too much for most people. You are overwhelmed presently and you have two children. I promise you that how you feel now will only get worse if you add another child into the mix. Best of luck to you.

I understand OP, just recently I had to take an annual leave day to deep clean the house and do laundry....... there was just no other time. It's hard.
This feeling of being overwhelmed, stressed and generally having no time will be SO much worse if you add another baby in to it. I'm sorry it would be.

I once read an excellent piece of advice -
Only have the amount of children you can cope with on your own.

It sounds like you have hit your limit tbh

You've had good suggestions already on reducing your overwhelm but honestly if you're being snappy with your existing kids because you're overwhelmed then having another is just hormones talking. I get it, my hormones are crazy sometimes too, but it doesn't make any sense!

I know I will be judged for this, but we would really like another baby

I'm sorry OP, but WTF! Talk about glutton and punishment.
Your mental health is being impacted by your lifestyle and you only see your existing kids for what sounds like an hour or so a day.

Excluding the cutesy baby bit where you have a new dolly to play with, why on earth would you add another into this mix?

Do you mind sharing what a typical week for you looked like when your DC were young? For example, how do you fit in exercise, cleaning the kitchen, cooking dinner, a hobby, playing with DC, work etc.
It's amazing that you didn't find it hard!

Could you take some parental leave spread out. When I had dd I was allowed a half day every second week. It just gave me a bit of sanity to look forward to a less rushed day. I feel your pain though op. Something has got to give though there is always a way. Talk to your company. They should be able to accommodate a better balance for you somehow. Or look for something part time. It's a cliche but you never get these early years back . Not fair on women trying to have a career when companies won't be flexible tho

For me when the DC were small working FT (40-55 hours a week) and travelling for work also - I didn’t ever try and do “everything” it’s impossible

One yoga class, and maybe a jog when the kids are in a class - got a cleaner, don’t always cook or have something super simple (chicken stir fry) but a lot of how me and DH managed was sharing the load (one going in early, one working late, lots of tag teaming)

When my travel increased further we had someone come a couple of days a week to supervise breakfast and school drop off so that my DH could manage to get a shower and get out to work with a bit more calm

I would have loved 3 DC but being honest it would be too much

think it’s about being honest about where you are at that point (managing, burning out, swamped etc), and recognising it changes all the time as the DC get older and their activities and needs change

I've just got 1 and I work full time out of home but I'm a big believer in knowing my limitations.
Why would you add another baby?
It seems that the best way to carve out a little time for yourself is by letting DH do bath and bed one night while you use that hour to do exercise, read a book, etc. Next night you switch.
Being a hero doesn't always work, you cannot do everything all the time.
Outsource- get a cleaner. Think about reducing to 4 days at work.

Have a de-clutter weekend, ship the kids off (if possible) to the grandparents.
Selling things honestly isn't worth the hassle, answering all the Facebook messages is just soul destroying, unless it's stuff you'll get 100's for!
Friday night of declutter weekend - do online shop to be delivered Sunday, have an easy dinner watch a movie.
Saturday morning - get everything together for the charity shop in the morning and drop it off at lunch, same for the afternoon but dump everything else at the recycling centre.
Anything bulky that won't fit in the car, list for free on FB market place with a must collect this weekend, or contact a charity to collect.
Saturday night - go to the pub for dinner with DH.
Sunday morning set timers per room and clean, proper deep clean. Sunday afternoon / evening. Set a cleaning task per day and stick to it. Menu plan for the week, arrange to have shopping delivered weekly on a set day and work on that basis.
GET UP AN HOUR EARLIER!!! It will be hard at first, but force yourself. Have a shower, get yourself ready, have a cuppa, do some exercise, watch TV, read a book - do anything that's for you and you alone. Do not use this time on family or household chores, if that happens DH gets up too!
Good luck OP!

What time is nursery pick up? As it sounds like you start work at 9 and finish at 4:30 if pick up is say 5, so you get your 7.5 hours there and have 1.25 left.
we pick up dc from nursery at 6, so would get more time there. Yes evenings are a rush but you’re more likely to get time to do something if you’re not working every night.

dh leaves early and does all the pick up and I do all the drop offs and work later is also how we do it.
what happens on weekends? We try really hard to get SOMETHING extra done then as well as some downtime between the 4 loads of washing, batch cooking, kids sport and parties.
do you have a cleaner? We spend a couple of hours on Thursday night every fortnight tidying the house for our cleaner to come Friday morning. We basically only have people over the weekends that the cleaner has been 😆

I have 3 dc; and leave Dh to it a bit!! So i leave at/before bedtime for an 8:15 class on Tuesday and Thursday nights and go for a run on the weekend. It’s hard but im much happier being a bit fitter. I’m full time, as is Dh, with 3dc.

Why on earth would you want another baby if you are overwhelmed with the children/lifestyle you have?
I have 2 children, now teenagers. The way we get everything done is by going without sleep!
On a working day we are up before 5am and the housework is done before we leave (always done it this way, I returned to work after 5 months mat leave with mine so we've been doing this a long time!).
Knowing the house is sorted means we're not chasing our tails in the evening especially when the kids had hobbies/swimming etc after work.
In my opinion it is perfectly possible to work full time and spend time with the kids but you have to be ruthless with your time and organised to within an inch of your life.
You need a routine that means everything gets done regularly and isn't left to build up into a big deal. For example we clean the kitchen/loos daily, it sounds like a faff but because they are never filthy it takes a few minutes. Piles of paperwork just don't exist, I deal with it when it arrives. Clothes are washed, dried and put away daily, they are never allowed to pile up.
Alternatively if you have the money you could outsource as much as possible.

I think you should put all plans for a3rd kid on the back burner while you simplify your life. You mention having to keep working in the evenings? That doesn't sound sustainable and maybe you need to keep in the habit of logging off when you should. Maybe book yourself a weekly hobby or visit with a friend during the week too?
I have two smallish kids and I job switched to full time last year. Could just about make it work but found it so overwhelming. Back to four day weeks now and feel really relieved with a bit of balance back. It reminds me not to overload myself with work too. So if you could afford it that might be a good option.
Also try not to compare yourself to others, I have a few friends who are total wonder women. They're raising kids, have amazing houses, careers, social lives and running marathons. I admire their energy but it's not me, and that's okay.