Our household noise is driving our neighbour insane.

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Our next door neighbour is a sweet lady in her late eighties. She hears everything through our shared wall.

Hand on heart I can say we’re not loud people. I’m not a huge fan of background noise myself therefore rarely have the tv/radio on.

Things she’s complaining about are normal day-to-day, our shower, she hears our pipes, central heating (debatable!), washing machine etc.

I’ve just gone over to hers whilst DH flushed the toilet + ran the shower. Yes, you can hear them if you listen out for them in total silence but it’s minimal, nothing out of the ordinary.

I’ve said to DH about not using our en-suite after 10pm. DH who is usually a people pleaser has zero patience for this and says if he wants a shower at midnight, he should be able to have one.

The same with the washing machine, if there’s a convenient time for her for us to have it on. The problem is that she’s essentially housebound and therefore is always at home. Usually sitting in silence, reading next to our shared wall.

Me too exactly the same. My horrendous vertigo was caused by an ear infection the doctors refused to treat for 8 months. Now I’m hyper sensitive to noises, literally make me feel physically sick and get bad bouts of tinnitus.

I agree it’s a medical issue.

But even if it wasn’t, and she just finds your normal everyday noises too much, tough luck, that’s life in a semi detached house. Don’t be changing anything.

I remember years ago there was a program following the people who assess noise nuisance. A lot of it was about factories working after certain hours etc but one was a couple who were complaining no end about their neighbours bathroom fan. They were convinced the neighbour was running the fan just to piss them off. They and the noise bloke stood in their bathroom listening to this fan noise. He could not get them to understand that it was just normal noise, and not even that loud.

She could be lonely

Ignore her x

My DM is in her 80s and has dementia related to Parkinson’s. She gets auditory hallucinations when she’s convinced she hears the front doorbell or people talking in another part of the house.

luckily she still has enough self awareness that she can usually be convinced she’s hearing things (“am I having a doo-lally moment?”). But hearing things that aren’t there is quite common in the elderly due to a variety of medical causes, and can be very real and distressing for them.

Sounds like she might need SS help.

Generally agree but running the washing machine at midnight seems unnecessary?

I'd say it's her ears. My nan is 97 and swears she hears things no one else can hear, but she's so deaf even with her hearing aides she struggles to hear! I'd speak to the daughter if you feel it would help but would not change my routine over it.

It sounds like a dementia problem and if so there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop her 'hearing' this imagined noise. I'm willing to bet the daughter does not have a recording of the noise, but it's worth talking to her to get her take on this. Other than that, don't get involved further.

My friend's mother had dementia and was always complaining about 'noise coming from the walls'. Friend went to stay with her, no noise coming from walls. Sometime later the mother deteriorated further and moved to a care home.

If she makes a formal complaint you will have to declare it when selling the house. And it will be up to you to explain that the walls are actually quite thin. You can try reaching a compromise. For example no en-suite showers after 10 pm and no washing up machine till let's say 8 am (or whatever time the old lady wakes up). Most washing machines come with timers these days. Conflict with neighbours are easy to get into, very difficult to get out. I would try negotiating a middle position

That’s really anti-social unless you are in a detached house.

Ask her if she would mind you coming round to talk to her daughter when she comes - maybe try to help her find some solutions which could include reviewing her hearing aid settings with the service provider, playing some background music that she likes / finds soothing / comforting, asking her if she removes her hearing aids at night...

Talking to her daughter seems a reasonable idea to jointly explore the solutions. Feeling being listened to can greatly deescalate the situation. One of the options would be a white noise machine- they are cheap and cheerful on Amazon and come with all sorts of sounds including nature sounds. A pair of budgies to desentise her to noise and keep her company?(Providing she has enough mental capacity to care for them)

not saying its the case here but with times of use energy tariffs it may become more common.

Sounds like she has tinnitus or an issue related to her hearing loss.

I used to take police 999 calls and we had lots of regular callers... One of them was an elderly chap who believed his upstairs and downstairs neighbours were working together to torture him.

He would phone us ranting and raving saying we would be able to hear the noises of them banging, crashing etc. He'd give us a silence to listen but we never heard a thing. We had the whole thing referred out to the Neighbourhood team who never heard a thing he heard - they'd be sitting in the flat with him asking if they could hear (whatever noise). The council were brought in to place noise monitors and recording devices and the only things picked up was his own household noise and his screaming and banging on walls and ceilings.

The council referred to social services, who organised a GP appointment. Tinnitus was diagnosed. He refused to accept this and was insistent the police, council, GP etc were colluding in the torture with the neighbours.

I don't know what the final outcome was but this went on for many many months....

ETA - make no changes at all to your lives. Speak to the daughter. I'll bet there is no recording. Suggest the daughter come to stay for a few days as you can't replicate the noises and want her opinion....

There is a problem called hyperacusis which sometimes accompanies ageing, it causes amplified hearing and can make even normal noise very painful for sufferers, this could be the problem but unfortunately there are no quick fixes

Not sure if this has been suggested already as I haven't read the whole thread.
I'm wondering if she has tinnitus as this can sound like what she has described to some people.
My mum and I both have tinnitus, mine sounds like cicadas but my mum's is more of a whooshing noise like the wind or water.
It's definitely worth mentioning to your neighbour's daughter next time she's over though.

Honestly just ignore her, she's being a PITA.🙄

I am naturally a quiet person and noise sensitive, i live alone so noises my neighbours make sound very loud, although im detached, i can hear them if they are talking to each other in the gap between our properties, the amount of times ive opened my door thinking someone's climbed over my gate.

She will have to just accept that normal family noises are part of every day life, but i would pop a note through the door if you are having a late night and or visitors, maybe as a good will gesture some ear plugs, as regards to showering/washing machine ect these are normal household noises, if she can hear you can you hear her?
Is it possible shes just lonely, maybe invite her round for a cuppa and slice of cake let her hear from your side your not noisy.

So sorry hadn't read update you posted, she is perhaps ill. Have quiet word with her daughter.

I really do think it’s tinnitus. Beforehand I was putting the ‘whooshing’/‘bubbly’ noise she was complaining about down to using the shower/flushing the toilet but when we went over yesterday it was silent. She is obviously having an awful time about it. She does swear blind that when we went away on holiday last month she slept fine and had no problems which doesn’t quite line up.

I’ve tried to track down her daughter today. I had some very loose connections which were all dead ends. I know her DD does drop off shopping, but if I miss her visit I’m going to have to curtain twitch for another week with no avail. I did hear that her DD isn’t a very nice woman of two different sources which fills me with hope.

Is there any other agency that could help? AgeUk or such like?

Sometimes older people get fixated with things...You say she is housebound, she may be totally fed up and isolated and by complaining she is getting interaction with others she may desperately want, whatever way she gets it...loneliness is a terrible thing for anyone, but at her age she knows its not really going to change. How about just nipping around to her a couple of times a week, for a cup of tea & to tell her what's going on with your family. I feel so sad for the older generations who have no-one, it's very sad , you never know, she may no longer complain if she gets some company. It could be anyone of us in years to come.

I'd get her a parrot to fill up and distract her from her all-day silences; whilst offering to be a back up parrot-carer. Poor lady just needs some noise/humanity to fill up her days; and she could be any one of us one day.

Saw a video online in America similar to this, where an older next door neighbour came round to complain about something they'd complained about before and the homeowner had already explained/ resolved.
He suggested maybe the older lady was lonely and needed some company, or an excuse to come round and talk to someone, so he said 'come round tomorrow for dinner' and 'how about next time, you just come over and I'll invite you straight in for a coffee' - seemed to solve her issues, she was very grateful and admitted she had been really lonely.
Not saying that is necessarily the situation, but worth a thought, could you maybe invite her in for a cuppa next time she pops over to complain?