Our household noise is driving our neighbour insane.

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Our next door neighbour is a sweet lady in her late eighties. She hears everything through our shared wall.

Hand on heart I can say we’re not loud people. I’m not a huge fan of background noise myself therefore rarely have the tv/radio on.

Things she’s complaining about are normal day-to-day, our shower, she hears our pipes, central heating (debatable!), washing machine etc.

I’ve just gone over to hers whilst DH flushed the toilet + ran the shower. Yes, you can hear them if you listen out for them in total silence but it’s minimal, nothing out of the ordinary.

I’ve said to DH about not using our en-suite after 10pm. DH who is usually a people pleaser has zero patience for this and says if he wants a shower at midnight, he should be able to have one.

The same with the washing machine, if there’s a convenient time for her for us to have it on. The problem is that she’s essentially housebound and therefore is always at home. Usually sitting in silence, reading next to our shared wall.

I was just thinking wow she has amazing hearing for an 80 year old! Hearing aids explains this. She can always turn them down you know! However I wonder if she also has some tinnitus which she believes is your water tank - otherwise I can't understand why she can hear that in the middle of the night.

If people can't handle general neighbour noise they need to live in a detached house. There's no way I'd be timing my showers or toilet use in my own home. Loud music, dogs barking loudly or shouting etc is totally different, but flushing the chain?? Sorry but I'd be telling her tough

Empathy and balance are important here.

People posting here are right that it's normal household noise but, it is obviously stressing out your elderly neighbour, so if you're a nice person then surely you can have a look at how you might compromise in a way that doesn't limit you too much.

There is some noise that she'll just have to put up with and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in your home. But, for example, trying to avoid having a shower at midnight because you know that she can hear it, might not be a ridiculous compromise.

Try not to accuse her of being ridiculous, she's just an old lady who is stressed out - think about what you can do to help.

Sounds like she's bored!

I'd be EXTRA noisy for a couple of weeks, then when you go back to normal noises it'll seem very quiet!

Why is her age relevant?

Context?

true, but with limits - no local authority will be in the slightest bit interested in normal household noises... someone running a washing machine or tumble-dryer over night on a cheaper tariff / going to the loo at night / even the time of night they take a shower - all perfectly normal and legal.

They will be more interested in loud music / dogs barking left chained-up outside / etc.

This is actually a misconception. I work in the local authority. Those sorts of times are written in to tenancy agreements as a plea for considerate behaviour. However, a statutory noise nuisance is a statutory noise nuisance regardless of the time of day or night. The impact on someone however differs greatly. Noise nuisance is dreadful however and makes people so miserable.

That is a really nasty ageist thing to write - hoping she will die soon so that she ceases to be a problem.
Given how noise can affect some people (hearing aids can lead to this) it would be good neighbourliness to avoid 'unnecessary noise' late at night or out in the garden.
It is called being considerate not people pleasing and helps us all to live in a civilised way.

@Panpastels "CurlewKate
Why is her age relevant?

Context?"
Fair enough. How about her colour, weight, social class.....

I had this with a neighbour of my father many years ago. She tried to tell me that he shouldn’t flush the toilet after 9pm.
I gave her short shrift. If you start accepting this nonsense it will be the thin end of the wedge and your lives won’t be your own.

A neighbour below us two whole gardens away. Came round to ask us not to play our piano with the windows open until midnight. Thing is we didn't have a piano and were all in bed much earlier.

I did listen out a few times but never heard anyone playing a piano.

Ok, we’ve got quite a plot twist/issue:

When I went over earlier I could slightly hear the loo being flush and somewhat thought that was what she was complaining at. I did leave my phone number for her to call us for when the noise was unbearable for us to pinpoint what it was.

She called us, we dashed over, there’s no noise. She’s convinced you can hear the whirling/gurling/bubbling all over the house. She now thinks we’re gaslighting her as there’s nothing. You can hear her clock ticking in the deathly silence. Ironically she couldn’t hear us talking to her so conversation was quite short. DH mentioned about her hearing aid but she couldn’t hear what he was on about.

She does have a daughter who visits every week or so. I know her name and her car but never spoke to her. Apparently her daughter has a recording of this noise.

I feel for her as she is a lovely woman, and she’s been a great neighbour until this. I do want to help her as it’s causing her serious distress.

What? lol so can you put a washing machine on at 1/2am. I have read our local rules, but just curious.
I would have thought it would be too much. Especially in a place where i live.
The pipes clank when the machine is filling up lol. And the spin omg.
I put it once at midnight because my dc had been sick and I felt bad enough about that.

Totally agree with this. Some empathy is needed. How long has this been an issue? I suspect new hearing aids and/or wax being cleared. I remember when my dad got his ears waxed we were accused of breathing loudly.

Probably shouldn't say that to them like.

Maybe gift her some ear defenders. They're pretty good.

I would try and have a chat with the daughter if she's approachable. Explain the measures you've taken to try and identify the noises, and how you're struggling to hear what her mum is hearing. Maybe the lady needs her hearing checked again, or her hearing aids adjusted. Bizarre that she claimed to be able to hear gurgling noises if she couldn't hear you talking.

I wouldn't use a washing machine late because they can be pretty noisy when they spin, but everything else you've described is reasonable life noise. I wonder if it is a new hearing aid thing. Talking to the daughter to try and pinpoint it seems a good idea, I think listening to the recording will give you an idea of how bad it is (or isnt) and what it might be.

It sounds like she maybe has tinnitus, I’d try and speak to her daughter and see if she’s heard anything and maybe ask if she could take her mum to an audiologist.

The problem is that once you start listening out for noise, you do "hear" it more.

I wonder if you would suggest to her that you will buy her the most expensive sound-cancelling headphones on the market? It sounds like she enjoys silence and is maybe annoyed by other sounds which must reach her.

I always think finding a compromise solution is best of all. Part of the problem, I feel, is that she lives alone (would be different if she had someone else there stomping around, washing, etc.).

If it only became a problem when her husband died maybe this is not so much a genuine complaint but a lonely old person reaching out for a bit of human contact in the only way she knows how 😢

That might have been me. We had awful issues with our elderly ndn complaining about us having washing machine on late , hearing banging opened and yep it was tinnitus.

Is she using complaining as a way of simply having a chat with you?
Maybe she has misophonia?. It is hell to live with ime. Maybe when her dh was around she didn't notice other sounds as much.
Suggest she gets a radio as background noise and she won't hear your household as much..

Bloody hell, you're lovely. What a thing to say.