Does anyone spend family days with their ex?

[Ducksgalore]

My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship, and whilst I think the co-parenting and the civility in front of her is great, am I being unreasonable in not being comfortable or happy about "family days" that they spend together?

For background context, from long before the start of our relationship, he never spent these "family days" with his ex. At the Easter weekend, his ex asked to spend the day together as nursery was closed. It was also in the rota that my partners daughter was spending that weekend with us, and both of us were off work, and the plans were for us to do things together that weekend, albeit the activities were at that point undecided.

Without hesitation or thought, my partner said yes to his ex. He then sat on it until before bed to tell me about it. He also said that if I didn't want him to, he would make something up and not do it. I told him I was uncomfortable with it and would prefer that he didn't do it, but the more I expressed this the more he dug his heels in. He went, spent the day and had zero communication with me for the entire day.

I understand the need to spend certain points together, like the morning of her first day of school, but I don't feel there's a need to be spending these 10hr days together that he hadn't done since long before our relationship started. It's something that keeps coming up and is driving a wedge between us.

We have friends like this. They divorced, but he would do things like take them all on a picnic for Mother's Day or cook her a Sunday roast with a lovely bottle of red for her birthday 'on behalf of the kids'...including eating it with them. Plus Christmas days with the ex-in-laws etc.

I mean I'm all up for very amicable co-parenting, but I think it blurs boundaries for the kids and new partners.

I know some people who do this but they always did it and the breakup was mutual. The new partners and children (step and half) are also invited.

I know one couple who did this but the child ended up resenting the new partners. By playing happy families when they are not, it can give the impression that the new partners are the barrier to the original family being together. As you say, there are occasions when the parents may attend together but a general family fun day is not one of those times.

Yep. Very, very much so. Especially when they’re incommunicado for the entirety of the time they’re playing happy families.

Different families so things differently. I did it up to the youngest being ten. My partner never had an issue not ever asked me to reconsider, he knows it was for my sons. Who are now late teen and tween and very well adjusted.

It worked for me and my ex, interestingly the one person who had an issue didn't last long . Which is to be expected as similar parenting outlooks need to align

The biggest problems here are that:

1. Your P lied to you until he was unable to lie any longer

1. Your P asked your option and said your feelings would be taken into consideration, and then he completely disregarded them

1. You now know your P is comfortable lying to you when it suits him and, ultimately, will do what pleases him rather than you.

Personally that would spell the end of the relationship for me, a liar is a liar and once the trust and respect is gone, so is the relationship.

Many of my divorced friends so have these arrangements. If it works for them then great

My ex tried to do this but I said no. Without fail he would always invite me on his days out with the kids. Whether it was cinema or the park he would always ask me to come. I said no but plenty of others would be happy to (we don't get on so different story)

I think it's totally fine...but it's not OK that he didn't tell you earlier.

It's not OK that he said he would lie a

And it's not OK that he offered to cancel and then changed his mind and didn't validate your feelings.

I think it tends to be that the partners are still enmeshed in the relationship/family/each other, or that one parent can’t really face solo parenting. Neither bode particularly well for a new partner.

Until my kids were about 10 we did family days out etc. Ex and his partner came for Christmas. Indeed my ex still has my parents around for family meals etc even now.

We will probably always coparent very well together. That's not to sya we are in each other's pockets but we message at least every other day and kids are now 14 and 17.

My DH stays at his ex partners when he goes to see his DC and I'll go occassionaly. None of us split up over affairs etc and it's nice that the kids get to see both parents together.

I think that’s fair. I don’t have children with an ex, but a couple of close friends both go on holidays with their ex-wives and children. One is in a cohabiting relationship, one not, but I suspect that as in your case, anyone who wasn’t ok with it wouldn’t last long.

My parents divorced when I was a child and I agree with this.

It's confusing when they are too over familiar and acting like they're still a family. It just rubs your nose in what you could have had and makes you think there is hope they might get back together.

I'd bin this one off OP.

No good comes from being with a liar.

I think it’d be over for me; different if they already were doing the days but you told him you weren’t comfortable and he did it anyway so no.

Him spending days with his ex isn't the biggest problem here, it's prioritising her over you. He cancelled plans with you to make plans with his ex. Is there any reason why you couldn't have gone along too? Of course it's nice for the child to see his parents getting along but you're not part of their family unit as well so I don't see why you couldn't have gone as well. It would reinforce that their parents can get along but you're also in the picture.

My friend co-parents with her ex and their new partners usually all go along too.

Not sure how long you've been together but if you're going to play second fiddle to the ex I'd get out now. He'll try and make out that he's putting his child first but he's not, he's putting his ex first.

This is my feeling. I've said that she knows that when she stays with us, it's time with us doing things, and when she stays with mum, it's doing things with her mum and her partner.

My thoughts exactly on all of this.

He claims it's for his daughter and doesn't see it or understand it from my perspective. I couldn't go along because his ex's new partner can't be there because he won't allow it, due to his ex having had an affair with this person.

No i don’t. I don’t really think it’s helpful at all for the children either. Everyone needs to get used to separate lives and move on. I wouldn’t stand for the lying from your partner either or coming second!

Of course it’s fine, those who are telling you it isn’t sound jealous and insecure and so do you. Me and my DD’s dad have lunch with DD, go places etc it’s all fine. We’re very amicable and DD comes first. His new wife and baby have been round for tea. It doesn’t have to be hard and full of insecurities. Behave like adults!

If it’s nice for their child I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it!
it’s what my partner & I have said we will do if we ever break up while our children are young.
it seems selfish to put your feelings of discomfort above the child’s feelings of security/whatever they get out of it. Unless they have done anything for you to be threatened/worried about? If they have been inappropriate or you think something is going on romantically still between them fair enough, but otherwise I think YABU

not ok for him to lie to you though of course

I think it depends on the circumstances.

If the break up was messy, if there is lingering resentment or feelings, if the children are going to hope for reconciliation, or if there is an affair partner on the scheme, then no.

But where, for example, the parties split when the child was a baby (or before), child has never known them together, where there is zero hostility, and where partners/step children etc are also part of it, then I think it can be a really good idea.

This isn't something that has always been done and neither partners are invited along either.

That's what I don't want to happen, I don't want there to be any resentment to/from anyone

I think it completely depends on the relationship and the people involved.

My ex had a 12-year-old son from his previous relationship, and this wouldn't have bothered me at all. But it was all really amicable. His son's mum was lovely and she'd married someone else and had more kids by then. We once went to a family barbecue at her house for the son's birthday, and it genuinely didn't feel weird in the slightest. The son's mum's parents and siblings were really warm and welcoming towards me. If my ex had said 'Son's mum wants us to take Son out for the day together over the bank holiday, do you mind?' it wouldn't even have occurred to me to be bothered.

However, I guess that's pretty unusual, and I'm sure I'd have been less delighted if I'd had a non-existent or outright hostile relationship with the child's mum, or if there were things that made me otherwise suspicious, or my ex had been telling lies or something.

Edited to add: I think perhaps it also depends on the age of the child. My ex's son was 12, so it wasn't like he was confused by anything and there was no blurring of lines. He didn't really much remember a time when my ex actually lived with him, either. But I can imagine it could be harder to explain to a much younger child who might not really understand why their parents could be together on some days but not others.

I am on the insecure side, and I can freely admit that. I'm not jealous though.

You say you're very amicable and that's great, and it's great that your ex's new wife and baby are able to spend time around you and your daughter, but these 2 are quite happy to scream in the street at each other and in front of the daughter. They also are not willing to have their respective partners around and all attempt to get along together.

The days are also something that is not regularly done, and hadn't been done since long before my relationship started with my P.

But he's happy to spend time with the woman who cheated on him? Very odd behaviour. Sounds like he's not over his ex. I'd cut and run if I were you. He's always going to use his DD as an excuse to spend time with his ex and you're always going to be the bottom of his list of priorities. Being a step-parent is hard and have an understanding and supportive partner is key to the relationship working. You don't have that. Even an idiot could understand that spending time with an ex could make their partner feel uneasy. It's not that he doesn't see your perspective, he just doesn't care.

I've suggested all 4 of us doing stuff together with the daughter, but it's a flat out no from my P, due to his ex's partner being the man she had an affair with - I can understand his feelings around that.

The plans over the bank holidays, we tend not to look at what we're doing until the morning of, so we knew we were going to be doing something, just didn't know what.

I feel it's more the sitting on the information and non-communication throughout that day. It's also explaining to a 4 year old child and dealing with the tears as to why I can't be there and go along for the day too, especially when you're directly asked by the child.