Does anyone spend family days with their ex?

[Ducksgalore]

My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship, and whilst I think the co-parenting and the civility in front of her is great, am I being unreasonable in not being comfortable or happy about "family days" that they spend together?

For background context, from long before the start of our relationship, he never spent these "family days" with his ex. At the Easter weekend, his ex asked to spend the day together as nursery was closed. It was also in the rota that my partners daughter was spending that weekend with us, and both of us were off work, and the plans were for us to do things together that weekend, albeit the activities were at that point undecided.

Without hesitation or thought, my partner said yes to his ex. He then sat on it until before bed to tell me about it. He also said that if I didn't want him to, he would make something up and not do it. I told him I was uncomfortable with it and would prefer that he didn't do it, but the more I expressed this the more he dug his heels in. He went, spent the day and had zero communication with me for the entire day.

I understand the need to spend certain points together, like the morning of her first day of school, but I don't feel there's a need to be spending these 10hr days together that he hadn't done since long before our relationship started. It's something that keeps coming up and is driving a wedge between us.

Thank you for your directness and honesty with this. I feel it's odd behaviour and when I challenge it, the only response I get is "it's for my daughter" and becomes so blinded by that answer.

Being a step-parent is extremely hard, and it's been extra challenging lately too.

But would you cancel plans with your OH to make plans with your ex? That's the main issue here. They both had the day off work and had planned to do something together and he dumped her in favour of his ex and only told her about it last minute. I'd be pretty pissed off at that.

It was a messy break up and mum's partner is an affair partner.

Pissed off and hurt!

I had a similar situation but it was due to my (now) husband's controlling and manipulative ex-wife. After he started a relationship with me, she'd come up with various reasons that she needed to speak to him in person and she'd invite him to spend the day with her and their son. She controlled contact so my husband was desperate to see more of his son and he'd do things with them even though I was off work too. I found it really difficult, but I knew she was the problem and that it was part of her plan to try to split us up. She failed. I don't think she actually ever wanted him back, she just wanted to know that she could make the choice.

Any chance there's something similar going on here?

I wouldn't - I had dinner with my ex and DD once (she wanted mummy and daddy to eat together) after an appointment we all needed to do together. It was deeply uncomfortable and no-one enjoyed it and we have never done it again!

Exactly. And that's all your ever going to get with him. When your birthday plans get cancelled because his ex has plans and wants him to watch his DD "well my DD comes first", when the ex calls him during a romantic meal out and "I have to get this, my DD comes first".

My DHs kids are his world but so am I and he's never put his ex's wants before mine. He hates his ex so they'd never spend time together anyway but I know if there was ever anything that made me feel uncomfortable he'd listen and do whatever it took to make sure I was happy. Quite frankly, what his ex wants is none of his concern. Plenty of kids understand the concept of spending time with separated parents separately and as others have said, spending time together can be confusing for the child.

This is the thing for me, DD isn't asking for any of this. She doesn't even ask for mum when she's with us, and she's with us 80% of the time.

I spend time with my ex (our sons father,). He helps me out with DIY and we cook him a meal after to say thank you. Have done for years. Our sons are now young adults and its helped them to see us getting on better than we did before.

DD is with us 80% of the time. I get that she does come first, but selfishly at times I feel like he does need to put me and the relationship first once in a blue moon. If we can't make the relationship work, all that's showing DD is another failed relationship.

Is this something that you've always done though? And was that something that was always made clear to any new partners?

As this isn't something that is/was regularly done between my P and his ex.

Ducksgalore we broke up when our sons were 8 and 5. We lost contact for 18 months due to hid mental health problems. He comes round for birthday meals, Christmas dinner, important days. Yes I had a partner after and he was okay.

There's every possibility that it could be something like that. She's been with her partner for a number of years now (including the affair time) and I'm the first person that he has been with long term and introduced to DD, so it could well be an attempt at a power play. But it's his behaviours and actions, and lack of consideration or regard for my feelings that are the concerning part, coupled with the blind and stock answer of "it's for my daughter".

Never mind the fact that he had zero intention of asking his ex to do anything or spend a day like that together. It was only when she asked.

I love that for you, but I'm not allowed to be around on these days out.

I've asked the question that if one of these days comes up again, can I come along and I've been told no. This is purely down to the fact that he won't allow his ex's partner to be there due to how they got together.

I'm divorced and we spend family days together quite a lot. However, neither of us has a new partner, and I do expect this dynamic to change a bit when we do.

Ducksgalore I'm sorry you are going through this its not easy x

Gano, I love that you can spend that time, and have the outlook that you would expect that dynamic to change a bit when either of you enter into a new relationship.

It's just a right struggle because, I guess it's more about the withholding of information and doing something that isn't regularly done or asked for. Also to completely disregard a partners feelings too

I think partners not being invited is wrong. That's not a family outing. That's just confusing the kid and not having clear boundaries.

We did try family outings pre partners but ex was abusive so obviously that would never work.

shelleyleppard thank you, it's really tough x

Nottherealslimshady, I feel the same as you. I think if it's family days then it's all parents/partners. I feel like that shows clear boundaries of dad is with his partner and mum is with her partner, but we can all be around each other.

I do understand though, that there would be points where partners wouldn't or might not be there e.g. first day of school

Not once in a blue moon, much more often than that. I actually disagree that children should always come first. I think the marriage/partnership needs to be the priority as it's the foundation for the family. As long as the kids needs are met of course. I don't think it's healthy for children to be raised thinking the whole world revolves around them and they should have everything they want. It's good for children to witness healthy relationships and realise that other people in their family are important too.

We have one of my stepkids 50% and one 100%. My DH has always managed to ensure the kids needs are met and they are happy whilst also ensuring our relationship is nurtured. Ultimately kids will up and leave and all that'll be left is you and your partner. If you haven't put the effort in to nurture that relationship then you're either going to end up splitting up or miserable.

You deserve to be someone's priority and if your partner isn't capable of making you a priority then find someone who will. At the moment he's not in a position to have a romantic relationship. Of course, you'll be made out to be the bad one if you leave, selfish etc. But just know that you aren't. It's not selfish to be your OHs no.1 when they are yours. It's possible to prioritise both your kids and your partner. He just doesn't want to.

I'm actually so glad you said this Illpickthatup. I actually agree that the partnership needs to be a priority and that it's the foundation of a family, and with a lot of what else you've said.

DD does think that the world revolves around her because it was just the 2 of them for so long and he's been in full on disney dad mode.

Can I ask, how do you cope having stepkids 50% and 100% of the time?
We have DD 80% of the time and I'm finding it such a struggle because I feel as though I'm expected to be "on" and in a great mood all of the time, which I feel isn't realistic (I get really bad PMS symptoms with low mood and am on the autism spectrum so do need downtime). She has a lot of energy and P hypes her up to no end, and it's all go go go from 7am - 8pm, so when I'm not all cheery and full of energy it creates a problem.

@Illpickthatup I disagree with that whole heartedly. Kids can't prioritize their needs because they are children. If adults can't prioritize their kids needs then the kids have no hope of their needs being met. Very sad.

I never said the kids should be prioritising their own needs. I said the kids needs should be prioritised and met, by the adults caring for them. That doesn't mean they should always come first. It is possible for parents to prioritise both their kids and their partner. There is a difference between needs and wants. Kids don't need to have days out with both bio parents together at the detriment of a step-parent. They don't need to go to their favourite place every weekend, have their favourite meal every dinner time, have their cartoon on the livingroom TV every day. I can assure you that my kids are very happy and neither me nor their dad have ever felt that we were second best to them.

The thing is, OPs OH isn't just putting his DDs needs first, he's putting his ex's wants first and palming it off as prioritising his child.

Also, adults who are made to feel loved, important and appreciated by their partner will generally be better parents than those made to feel like they're the bottom of the pile.