Kisses on the end of emails or teams messages to work colleagues

[Overthinking2024]

Is that normal? Do you put kisses on the ends of emails or team messages?

YABU - It's a friendly gesture
YANBU - it blurs the lines and isn't the done thing.

If the rest of the message is purely work related, I wouldn't read anything into, it's probably just on autopilot.

Done it by accident I was mortified. Even worse I sent a text to a customer who was very senior in his organisation and ended it with a kiss. Thank god he laughed as did his wife!

Never ever ever ever, WTF? At work??? Are they teenagers?

Just to be clear - they don't work in a youthful organisation, definitely a professional setting.

You have all absolutely helped and given food for thought. Thank you.

I read this and think yup not appropriate. However my managers manager quite often sends xxs in teams messages - seems to send them when I’m in favour and not when I’m not (strange place I work at). She’s a woman I’m a woman I don’t think it’s inappropriate just a bit strange that sometimes it’s like that and soemtimes not (and it’s noticeable). However my manager sent texts and WhatsApp’s with xs on the end (outisde of work hours re. Work and non work things) and I got completely freaked out 😂 but then his behaviour is just odd (soemtimes m staring, sometimes ignoring you, sometimes tactile, sometimes downright rude). Maybe if he’d come across as regular friendly all the time I wouldn’t have been freaked out. Anyway yu just need to not reciprocate the xs if you’re not sure and hold your boundaries

Thanks all.

It's my DH. Given that he's never mentioned this woman, even though she features significantly in his work role. We sit and chat about work often, and he's not once mentioned her. He commutes to a different city for work too. It all feels really odd. We have young children, and he has shown strong family values in the past.

Things have been tough recently, so it wouldn't surprise me if he was enjoying a proverbial ego stroke. I don't think he is cheating. It is uncomfortable though.

@Overthinking2024, I too would feel uncomfortable. Your H is adding kisses to his messages to this colleague who is an important part of his work scenario, yet he has omitted her existence during your frequent chats about his work.

The affectionate gestures/lack of transparency would be a line crossed in my marriage, and would warrant a serious discussion. While it is normal to feel flattered by attention, seeking validation by allowing boundaries to blur is a threat to one’s primary relationship.

Are you going to speak to him? I know I would.

Have to agree with you OP on this one. Think who can see work emails, at least in theory.

My DH gets work emails and texts from a female colleague who signs off with her initial and a kiss.

It's not professional, and in fact it's a bit cringey but maybe I feel like that because I've met her and she's a bit cringey.

Never in all my years working have I ended an email or any message to a colleague wirh an x. It's highly inappropriate.
Trust your gut OP, something is off.
Don't rush in, take your time and gather evidence.

Generally I wouldn't dream of using kisses on messages at work however my ex manager does if he's after some info that he knows I can give even though I've changed roles - he then ends his message with 'xxx' which I've always taken to mean 'thanks, really appreciate it!'.

There is absolutely nothing between us and I've never really given it another thought.

That’s completely inappropriate. He’s having, or wants to have, an affair, at least emotionally. How did you see the message?

I actually did this yesterday, but only because the person in question is someone I went to school with so have known for 32 years. Started off as work related message then was general chat about kids etc

I would do it just if it's someone I know well and/or consider a friend. More if it wasn't particularly work related and convo had moved to a more friendly personal topic 😊

We both WFH in separate rooms. I was looking for something (for one of the DCs) in the room he was in, he popped to the bathroom and to do some other jobs, left his laptop open. I saw a message from her pop up, with X. I wasn't purposefully looking at his laptop.

Ashamed to say, I scrolled back, and the messages seemed like weak flirting, not very work-related.

I don't think he'd cheat. Whilst I'm questioning his feelings towards me, he absolutely wouldn't do that to his children. Although, I do think he was probably enjoying additional attention and I don't know what his 'stop line' would be.

Even having a conversation though, I'm not sure how to move past this. It's the culmination of him not mentioning her, and the messages. It feels like a breach of trust.

Ah I’m sorry. Unfortunately that “stop line” will be eroded over time, and every time he gets there it will move a little further away from his commitment to you. Affairs don’t go from nothing to something overnight. The guy you thought wouldn’t send flirty messages to a work colleague now is, and the next step won’t seem such a leap.

I think it’s time for a frank chat but be prepared to have all your concerns dismissed and be attacked for “snooping”. The only correct response from him is to apologise and voluntarily cut all contact with this woman. If he doesn’t, and seeks to preserve his relationship with her at the expense of yours then you have s big problem.

Another nonsensical Mumsnet psychic, here.

"He's having, or wants to have an affair." You have absolutely no way of knowing if this is true.

No. Only by mistake!

But I have a couple of work colleagues or are also personal friends. So if I was emailing them about eg meeting up I might add a kiss. But not if I am talking to them about work stuff. I do tend to keep the two types of e-mail quite separate.

The new(ish) responses to e-mails are a bit strange. I just had someone at work "heart" my e-mail rather than "thumbs up" it, which seemed slightly strange.

It feels like a breach of trust.

So the messages are flirty, one or both are adding kisses, and although he freely discusses his colleagues/goings on at work, he has hidden this woman from you. This faithless behavior is absolutely a breach of trust.

It sounds like he has opened a window to her for the feel-good cake she provides. [In Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass describes this shifting of emotional energy to a third party, a dangerous slippery slope that erodes the marital connection and leads to emotional infidelity.]

You mentioned going through a rough patch and questioning his feelings for you. Can you elaborate? Perhaps he has been creating distance between you to make room for this woman and to justify his cake-eating.

@Overthinking2024, his boundary crossing and abuse of your trust must be addressed, and he needs to understand exactly what he stands to lose. As @Candleabra said, the only appropriate response is his shutting this down immediately and going NC with her. He also needs to provide full transparency with his devices and make great efforts to restore your trust and become a safe partner.

I drop x's in by accident all the time. I've done it in work emails, in a serious emails to solicitor, to property agents. Really need to learn to proof read. See also typos and embarrassing auto corrects - hope no one has been suspected of an affair as a result 😬

We have a 'house style' for all written comms that it given as part of induction. There is a standard format for signing off emails/messages & def no kisses!

@MsDogLady - In terms of the rough patch, I think we've been going through our 'room mate' phase after we've had two children. It felt like we were making progress with this though, and getting back to our usual selves.

I have ordered the book you mentioned.

Regarding getting back on track, both partners need to invest their energy, time and attention to nurture the relationship. The problem here is that your H isn’t present and ‘all in’ if he is investing elsewhere. His secretiveness and flirty dynamic with this woman are evidence that he is not protecting his fidelity. He is making choices that are diminishing and damaging your marriage and family.

@Overthinking2024, I would be very firm with him about your expectations and what you won’t tolerate. Don’t allow him to manipulate you with gaslighting, minimizing, or blame shifting, which he may attempt if he wants to protect their relationship.

I don't think he'd cheat. Whilst I'm questioning his feelings towards me, he absolutely wouldn't do that to his children

saidevery woman who has been cheated on

Emails etc with a male colleague? Absolutely not, never, in 28 years at work.

Personal messages to female friends at work (eg birth of baby, bereavement news, big promotion etc) yes I would put XX or something in my sign off.