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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feels like constant put put downs

73 replies

Rose91572 · 29/05/2024 05:54

Someone i am close to has been constantly digging lately and im starting to wonder if they secretly dont like me.

In december i came into some money as i was taken off a mortgage.
I was restarting. So i ended up renting a modern bungalow with a nice garden. I got a new job right around the corner.

Im really sensible with money and this persons been so awful they have ended up homeless. They have a flat now but have chosen to blow their money and be reckless. They have got into debt. Their flat is a bed with clothes stored in the drawers. A 2 sester sofa, tele and lamp and a few kitchen bits. The walls are unpainted and carpets are scruffy. Ive used some of my money to buy nice things for my house and ive worked hard. People always say it looks lovely.

In terms of above person ive had them stay. They are often here for dinner. They use my garden to relax in and i basically share my home with them. But the last few days its been a constant dig. I spent £20 on solar lights for my fence. They text and told me not to spend too much money. My garden sun chairs were £40 each. They had a dig at that.

This week theyve been here. Im only renting but landlord had new gates put on. They showed instant negativity towards the gates. Then they said my dad has put my washing line in drunk. This person kindly cut my grass and tidied my shed. But everything that they have said this week has been insulting.

I made awful cups of tea two days ago apparently my standards had slipped. I had been making tea for the gate man and he had seen the mans cup on the side. He also had a dig about the cup being mucky when on his 3rd drink and saying it looked like a builders cup.

He looked at my dead grandmas ornament and said it looked creepy.

He was smoking a fag and telling me all the things wrong with my house.

I like spanish cleaning products and he claimed he was itching only when at mine. Nobody else has issues.

My kids make a normal level off mess and it takes less than an hour to put the house together again. He said its because im messy and dont tidy up.

He said my friends grass cutter i borrowed was crap and the wrong cutter. It wad horrible and heavy. So was the strimmer.

He told me i dont have outgoings like trades people. When i asked him how he worked that out he said i dont have fuel or a car to run.

He told me the chocolate i got him to try was horrible because i stated it was nice.

He commented on me getting £2500 a month income as a small part is UC i work 32 hours a week.

Finally i bought a mattress for £300 last week. He said it wasnt comfortable and that he doesnt seem to be able to sleep well at my house!

Is anyone able to suggest why the last few days hes become so negative?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 29/05/2024 08:27

Why are you welcoming such an unpleasant arse into your home?

See him much less-like never.

LadyKenya · 29/05/2024 08:28

Going forward, maybe you should be more selective with whom you share your financial business with.

betterangels · 29/05/2024 08:30

Rose91572 · 29/05/2024 06:54

He never pays his bills and is irresponsible. He has ruined his own life. I dont understand it. Feels like he begrudges me having anything

You're not friends. Stop having him around. It's not that hard.

LoisFarquar · 29/05/2024 08:32

Rose91572 · 29/05/2024 06:54

He never pays his bills and is irresponsible. He has ruined his own life. I dont understand it. Feels like he begrudges me having anything

So what, though? It doesn’t matter if he’s earning £200k pa and living in a pristine manor house— he’s critical and undermining and a bore. You sound as if you’re trying to discredit him rather than just recognising you don’t have to have him around. Tell him to go away.

Olivia2495 · 29/05/2024 08:33

Stop being such a mug op. Why are you letting this horrible man share your home and eat your food?

SmileyClare · 29/05/2024 08:34

He never pays his bills and is irresponsible

What is he spending his benefits on? Clearly not contributing to your household or the dinners you prepare for him?

He’ll lose his (council?) accommodation if he falls into arrears and then you’ll be stuck with him declaring your home as his “place of residence “.

Alarm bells all over this.

labamba007 · 29/05/2024 08:44

He's jealous but you also seem to enjoy judging him too. I think you're both better off not seeing each other.

ChristmasFluff · 29/05/2024 08:44

Life is a lot easier when you stop trying to work people out and instead focus on yourself.

This man is being horrible to you and spoiling your enjoyment of your home. Why are you asking people to mind-read this man? Instead, ask yourself why you have no boundaries about who is allowed into your personal space. Ask youself why you are willing to accept being insulted for the dubious pleasure of his company.

Yiou can't fix someone else, but you can sort yourself out. People take you at your own estimation, and you have shown how little you value yourself by the way you allow him into your home even though he treats you badly.

CFs and abusers look for people like you, who will focus on them and on trying to work them out and get their approval, rather than having the self-respect to fuck them off.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 29/05/2024 08:48

Ah a natural nightmare, what we all want in our lives.

“I like spanish cleaning products and he claimed he was itching only when at mine.” Well there’s the solution, he doesn’t come over. Problem solved.

He will want to move in next!

Lifelong · 29/05/2024 08:48

Why are you allowing this toxic loser around your children?
They will be absorbing his toxicity.
Step away and stop entertaining him.
He is not your responsibility.
Is this a sibling? If so, he is NOT your responsibility to fix.
Put your children first.

TinkerTiger · 29/05/2024 08:54

Is this a family, friend or lover? If family just reduce contact. If the latter, build some self-esteem and find better people to have a relationship with

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2024 08:56

Who the hell is this person? Why is he sleeping in your bed? Why is he anywhere near you? He sounds absolutely fucking horrible. What are the consequences of you never seeing him again?

Noseybookworm · 29/05/2024 09:05

Why does it matter why he's being so rude and horrible? Stop trying to work out his motivations and stop having him round your house! If he asks why, tell him his constant criticism is doing your head in! You don't have to spend time with him and you don't have to host him at your residence.

LoisFarquar · 29/05/2024 09:07

OP, note that everyone’s said the same thing. Listen.

Stargazing24 · 29/05/2024 09:07

What is the effect on your children of having this person share your home?

Fatotter · 29/05/2024 09:12

I always drink my tea and coffee black at other peoples houses as tbh I am very particular about the exact amount of milk I like in it.

Other than that your DF is just a buzz kill. Next time DF makes a negative comment deflect and comment on their life.

Congratulations on your new house.

SmileyClare · 29/05/2024 09:45

He told me I don’t have outgoings

Hes a fucking “outgoing” on your finances. He’s using your utilities, eating your food and you’ve just spent £300 on a new mattress for him. Which he moaned wasn’t good enough.

If you’re a single mum eligible for benefits, you cannot afford to have another dependant in your home.

You sound like a caring generous person but be aware you’re being manipulated.

Sorry to be harsh but he does not care about your feelings and will crush your esteem for one selfish reason- so that you don’t have the confidence to stand up to him.

He will then start to alienate you from friends and family. This has already started with his criticism of your dad’s kind efforts to help set up your home, with your neighbour lending you garden equipment and even your landlord.

Cherrysoup · 29/05/2024 09:51

Is this an ex? Do you feel obligated to him in some way despite it being his own fault he’s wrecked his life? I have no idea why you have this person in your home being a negative influence on your dc/you.

Olivia2495 · 29/05/2024 09:59

Why have you told him your private financial business or how much things cost? He’s going to disapprove of any spending as he feels entitled to your money. And while you’re spending on garden chairs you’re not spending on him.

Regardless of who this man is he’s a weird controlling scrounger and you need to get rid of him. Do you need help to do that?

You could get In trouble with UC if he’s sharing your home.

Lifelong · 29/05/2024 10:17

I never understand people's need to share their finances with ANYONE.
Keep your business to yourself.

Tagyoureit · 29/05/2024 10:25

Sorry i got bored of reading what this person is moaning about!

Get out and about a bit more, so you're not in to entertain them and their nasty comments. Sorry you just happen to busy when they want to meet up. Don't answer the door.

I'm going to assume this guy is some sort of boyfriend seeing as he's slept on the new mattress so my advice is dump him, throw him back, run for the hills!! He brings nothing to your sorted life, choose better!!

Notthatcatagain · 29/05/2024 10:25

Why he feels the need to be unpleasant doesnt really matter. Just tell him to piss off and don't come back until he can be a bit less rude. Your life will be better as soon as he walks out of the door

StrawberryWater · 29/05/2024 10:25

Stop inviting him over. He's rude, arrogant, boring and treats you like shit in your own home.

I have to wonder if he's trying to wear you down so you let him move in so he can "fix" things. He certainly sounds like a cocklodger and given how often you let him over you're letting him be one.

Do better for yourself and do better for your children.

seafronty · 29/05/2024 10:33

What a waste of your time and energy.

SantasRubiksCube · 29/05/2024 11:09

I'd vote that you are being unreasonable.....for being such a wet blanket that despite this miserable person criticising everything you're still just rolling out the welcome mat and letting them come back again and again 🤷🏻 why? Just tell him you've had enough of his complaining and you'd rather get on with a happy existence with your kids without him in the background causing you grief.