Preschool suggested senco after 4.5 weeks settling in period

[Lockdownmama2021]

I’ve just spent the week browsing online and googling left right and centre. My ds 3 years and 3 months just started preschool for the first time in April so when he was 3yrs and 2 months. Prior to this has very limited contact with children - has gone to children centres only a month before started preschool. Has 2 cousins, one 3 years older and the other 1 year older and he loves to run around after them and play with them. Since turning 3 seemed to have a personality shift where he wasn’t a happy toddler anymore, he was hitting, getting jealous of baby brother, etc and was just showing interest in looking at other children esp 4 yr old hyper boys at play hubs and wanting to hang out with them. His preschool just observed him for 4.5/5 weeks and gave me a feedback saying he repeats what they say to him, doesn’t really interact and even though he smiles at and plays happily alongside the other children he doesn’t interact or play with them yet. Bear in mind they’ve had another child settling in who cries all the time and has unsettled mine as all he says to me when I pick him up is that baby girl was crying and (insert his name) is sad’ They also said he colours and likes colouring - when at home he cannot stand colouring finds it boring and I can never get him to do it. They wanted to do a senco referral because even though he follows all their instructions, has eye contact when they call him and does as he is told he repeats whatever they say to him. I broke down and told them to give him time to settle down before labelling him, I felt like it was out of the blue as I have been calling them everyday and they say he is fine and settling in well so I felt winded by the suggestion at his feedback meeting. ( he’s quite tall for his age so they probably think he’s near to 4) since that meeting I have become hyper aware of everything he’s doing and keep picking on things but everything seems to be applicable to ND and NT kids so now I am just hyper analysing everything. I’ve noticed he is suddenly trying to bite his nails - his dad does this too all the time so it could be mirroring him. They said he tip toes sometimes but not a lot. he does repeat phrases but that’s because when he asks me something like ‘want weetabix’ I’ll reply with ‘you want weetabix? Ok’ and so he might have picked that up because I was trying to encourage full sentences. But instead of saying ‘yes’ he would say ‘want weetabix’ again, but I have never really modelled ‘yes’ to him. It could be a slight language delay and also both myself and husband are quiet and our circle is small we are also considered to be ‘shy’ so he might just be that or I don’t know. What is early intervention even? We had him privately assessed by SLT at 30 months or so because he went quiet and behaved differently when his baby brother was born, And the slt who works with a specialist autism team said we had nothing to worry about. But now I’m catastrophisising again. I know there’s nothing wrong with being ND but I have a nephew who is and a cousin and their lives unfortunately is very tough and I just fear that for him. I am thinking to go back to our original private SL. Everytime I google 3 year milestones it’s such an extensive jump from 2 years. 2-3 he should play alongside peers 3-4 should interact, surely it won’t happen at 36 months and it will take time for the confidence to build?

No one is saying he has autism .

They have done observations and are flagging certain things .

now some of them could be he is behind developmentally- through lack of socialising with other children , some can just be areas that need focusing on to help him reach the milestones .

Senco don’t diagnose , they if necessary suggest referral but an Asd diagnosis isn’t a quick process but take the word label out . It isn’t a label it’s an understanding big his needs may be different and early intervention is the best you can hope for .

My own Ds has Asd .. he is now 17 - lots of things were missed delayed speech been the most obvious looking back to me he was my boy and still is . I was actually surprised when it was suggested to me but part of that is we are in tune so I knew how to manage him

I think you potentially want to be working with them. He may be slightly behind developmentally and do a big jump and all is fine. In which case you have lost nothing.
But if he needs extra support then the sooner rather than later is best for him.
I'd say his language from what you've described is definitely behind. Maybe it's the lack of you talking to him, in which case salt can help you know how to talk to him, for example.

No one will be wanting to give him a diagnosis he doesn't need. They want to give him support if he does need it. That's a good thing.

I broke down and told them to give him time to settle down before labelling him,

They aren't labelling him.
They have observed him and they have raised concerns with you that there are areas of his development that are outside of the range of where he would be expected to be.
You know this. You have already paid for SaLT for him.
They have observed that not only his language, but his social and interaction skills aren't where they would expect a 3yr 3month old to be.

Now you have mentioned tip toe walking, on top of play skills not being where they should, on top of social and interaction, on top of some differences in the way he uses language, then the Nursery would not be doing their job, if they didn't refer to their SENCo, so they can meet with you and arrange a plan of how they can give him some additional support.

if there is the possibility that further input is needed down the line it will be really helpful if there is a support network in place before really needed. If the preschool has links to the local school they will have experience of transitioning.

This

Not sure why you have a problem with him seeing a senco, they can either say there is nothing wrong or get the support he needs. I’m a teacher and I find it astonishing the amount of parents I’ve come across who refuse help for their kids because they don’t want to be “labelled” one girl I taught was clearly dyslexic , but parents refused to have her assessed so as a result she didn’t get extra time in exams or a reader.

Surely if there's even a tiny possibility he may need extra support, it's a wonderful thing that this is being noticed now, not when he's say 10 years old and really struggling?!

A nursery will have a lot of experience with a huge range of children. If they are suggesting SENCo involvement, it really would be best to work with them.

Your son may present entirely differently at nursery compared with how he is at home.

I think you are lucky that you have a proactive and observant preschool tbh!
It may be that he is simply a little delayed and will catch up. But he might not, and in either case, getting some assessments on the go, and referrals made, is not going to be a bad thing... it's not like it will be on his A level certificate if he goes to University :)

Is there a reason why he hasn't mixed with other children outside of family? My DGS is 3.1 and yes while they were born during the 2nd Covid year, things opened up that year.. we did sensory groups, toddler groups and soft play (yes hideous but DGS has made actual friends from going to these and actively wants to be with them now) To get to 3 without attending any informal groups is quite unusual I think, and may be the reason that he isn't quite there socially yet.

Eye contact is neither here nor there. I work with severely autistic Early Years and most have decent eye contact (I've worked in Special Ed for 20 years and it baffles me that this is touted as it's really NOT the main feature of autism!)

The echlolalia IS a concern, but if he has some speech delays it may be just that.. a delay.

I wouldn't be panicking, but I would be letting them observe and follow up as deemed necessary... if he does have additional needs then the sooner 'in the system' the better :)

If you and dp have a small social circle and are shy, have you looked at other traits to work out if you are actually autistic?
It's genetic, so coupled with having other relatives who are it's worth looking at.
It was often missed if high functioning in our generation, especially in females.

Also, if you are autistic and he also is (making assumptions here, but if that is the case) you likely won't notice it as easily and won't have as many issues as a NT parent with a ND child.
Look up double empathy research on asd.

I'm really sorry that it is so stressful @Lockdownmama2021.

If it's any help I've heard a load of people say that a lot of lockdown babies are a bit behind. I think that getting help asap is a wonderful thing and it's great that you have found him a place in good nursery where they are proactive about that stuff.

Give yourself a pat on the back for being a great Mum and set your mind at rest. If you stay calm and show your DS that you are confident and happy with who he is it will help him hugely.

Why as he had so little contact with other children?

I work in pre school and agree with other PPs that it's a good thing they are observing and wanting the best for him. There are multiple issues that need referral, it's far too young to panic yet. Many children present very differently in school so it's best parents work with childcare workers, the child will benefit from two parties observing different things.

So whilst I was on maternity he was exposed to others and he was developing fine tbh he met all milestones. Then I returned to work and I left him with my mum, mum has high levels of anxiety so only took him shops and to our neighbours (elderly couple). Childcare was out of budget for us at that point. Then I was pregnant with ds2 and was a hard pregnancy I took him to soft play, park everyday, but never really met the same kids. Like I said he seemed fine, he played alongside and always showed an interest in other kids and wanting to play.
after ds 2 he was just under 2.5 and started acting like a baby again - wanting to be held and rocked all the time etc because he saw the newborn being held he was clearly jealous, but after few weeks of him doing that I did get him to see SALT because I was fearful of regression. Soon as I recovered from surgery I was taking him to places he wanted to go to - parks, soft play etc I myself didn’t like the children centre in my area, and it’s when I found a children’s hub nearby that I was comfortable with I started taking him daily, before his preschool.
im hoping it’s just a slight delay and I had no idea what an actual senco is so now I’ve read these comments I will go ahead with the referral.

You have to fight tooth and nail for special need provision. No one will label him unnecessarily. It's great the nursery are taking a proactive approach, and if (big IF) he needs further support down the line, the earlier that is identified the better. I'd work with them on this one.

There’s no such thing as ‘labelling’ children who have delays or additional needs. It’s simply support for your son to either catch up or recognise if longer term support is needed (yes possibly for a condition like autism). It’s not the end of the world, believe me if there’s additional needs you’ll be grateful for this early recognition in the future. The fact that ASD runs in your family should be noted.

I had suspicions about my eldest as he had huge speech delays until he was 2, then suddenly caught up out of nowhere. I put it aside until a HV at his 2 and a half year check gently pointed out his repetitive language and lack of engagement. Also just had a baby and thought there may be a connection. He is autistic, as is his brother - they present differently as his brother has global developmental delays. To the outside world it may seem like chaos or ‘hard work’ but honestly it’s just our normality. The early recognition of delays is an absolute god send, whatever the future holds the support you get right now is what counts.

He's not going to get a diagnosis unless he has a condition that warrants it. He will receive additional support and may catch up. If he does great all the better for starting school. If he doesn't then at least things are being put in place to support him

The preschool don't think he's nearly 4 because he's tall. They know exactly how old he is and that's why they're offering suggestions and concerns that he's not meeting his milestones. Please work with them, they're not doing this out of malice or judging you - they're trying to help your child.

The school want to help him and support you both . You should let them . It may be nothing to worry about or he may need some extra help. Very gently turning a blind eye to their concerns wouldn't actually make the problem ( if there is one go away) so I'm glad you are letting them go ahead with an assessment.

He won't get a diagnosis if there isn't much to base it on - so there won't be any 'labelling'. It's just a suggestion to help him as early intervention is better if he is autistic. I think it's good they are so on the ball. I work in a preschool and we get an occasional parent who is very against any kind of special needs observation, and refuses to comply. They are usually from countries where any kind of 'difference' is treated as bad and embarrassing. You can refuse this, and then they can't proceed. However, it's not in the best interests of the child. We have a parent like this currently. Her child is so obviously autistic, in a very 'classic' way (much more severe than your son), but she refuses to acknowledge it which is quite heartbreaking.

im hoping it’s just a slight delay and I had no idea what an actual senco is so now I’ve read these comments I will go ahead with the referral.

Bless you. WE could have answered that earlier if you had said.

A SENCo is an SEN Co-ordinator, sometimes called a SENDCo
SEN = Special Educational Needs
SEND = Special Educational Needs and Disability.

Every educational establishment for all children, has to have one, from Nurseries to colleges. Even grammar schools have them.

They will be a member of staff who has done some additional training, so they can co-ordinate any additional provision needed, any differentiation needed, and any referrals needed (if any are - many dc don't need to be referred anywhere and manage fine with adjustments in place or some additional support).

The setting SENCo will get support themselves from support services from the Local Authority. For Nurseries this person could be called an Area SENCo or an Inclusion Officer or another name particular to your LA. No LA has the funding to have enough of these to do the job as well as they would like, but they are a resource the setting SENCo can access.

Ask away if there is anything else you want to know. There are lots of people on MN who can help explain things.

I think this is worth reflecting upon and also considering whether other family members on both sides have any relevant traits. Remember ADHD and Autism weren't identified in decades gone by so a lack of diagnosis doesn't mean that conditions are not present.

Have a look at authority sites about ADHD and Autism - ones run by reputable charities are a good start. Hopefully the information there will reassure you and help you to see the nursery's concern in a less negative light.

Count your blessings they are being proactive. Early intervention is the best thing you can do to support children (SEN or not) and all too often the 'wait and see' approach is put forward due to lack of funding.

Early intervention can make the difference between coping when he goes to school or not.

Glad you are going to listen to SENCO and have realised it's a shock for you.
If there's nothing really amiss then help won't do him any harm. But if he's autistic then it will be of enormous benefit. You really can't lose.
Given your mum and how you are (I'm autistic I recognise your confused "well he's just doing x" response) then it may be worth getting yourself referred for diagnosis. It'll take several years on NHS. It may explain a lot to you. It may not.