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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I see tidy up time never happened

40 replies

Peonii · 28/05/2024 20:23

"I see tidy up time never happened"

First sentence DH said as he came through the door tonight. So upset as we did actually tidy up toys etc but one stacking toy fell over and spilled and we missed a ball in the hallway. AIBU to feel upset as we did tidy up?

He said it with a smile on his face ie. He wasn't angry or annoyed. DC is 1 and today was my last day of (extended) mat leave. Because of my separation anxiety and cost of childcare I gave in my notice so tomorrow will be my first day of unemployment (I am hoping to find a remote role). And it was my first day of my period (post baby it's been absolutely monstrous with the pain and I'm just generally exhausted).

AIBU to have been upset at DH's comment. And maybe a little cry in private too?

OP posts:
StarbucksQueen1 · 28/05/2024 20:28

I think you’re being overly sensitive! But I am the queen of PMT so would probably have been tipped over the edge by this comment too 😆 Citalopram has now made me numb to such things!!

Roundroundthegarden · 28/05/2024 20:28

Yanbu, that was really PA and he really did mean it because what would a 1yo know? Why did you cry in private? Tell him exactly how you felt. Now that your a sahp he shouldn't think that this is how it's going to be, coming in with sly comments expecting you to do everything when you have a 1yo!

BirthdayRainbow · 28/05/2024 20:29

He's a twat. That's not what you say to your wife. He's not your flipping boss. Patronising pig.

Witchbitch20 · 28/05/2024 20:30

Setting out his stall…

Get that remote post sorted asap.

stayathomer · 28/05/2024 20:31

Yanbu.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 28/05/2024 20:32

I would be pissed off by that too.

bringmorewashing · 28/05/2024 20:32

Sounds patronising and uncalled for, however he said it. I'm a hormonal raging pregnant mess right now, and I would not take that sort of comment well! Ignore him, but YANBU to feel put out.

BobbyBiscuits · 28/05/2024 20:32

I'd have been tempted to reply with 'well it did, about 15 times. It's your turn now sunshine.'

Then reach for the headphones and ice-cream.

blackbirdsinginginthenight · 28/05/2024 20:34

How patronising, I'd have gone with a sarcastic 'thank goodness you're home to do it' and walked off

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2024 20:36

What did you say?

It was a twattish thing to say and you don’t have to tidy up because the big important man is coming home anyway.

Don’t sit and cry. Explain that however he meant it it made you feel crap and like he’s judging you and criticising.

FluffyRabbitGal · 28/05/2024 20:39

I think perhaps this was a little sensitive, but parenting a 1 year old is exhausting, which will impact on your emotions. Coupled with your hormones and emotions attached to leaving employment, I’m not surprised that it feels like a dig.
parenting a small child is hard work, you and the baby are up and dressed, the baby will be in a clean nappy and have a full tummy (or plans for food will be in hand). You’ve had a successful day. The fact you’ve squeezed in any cleaning is a Brucey bonus.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 28/05/2024 20:40

It's not going to get any better if your plan is to work from home.

Imagine how you would feel if you had done a full days work and the first thing he does when he comes in through the door is complain that you haven't spent the day cleaning as well.

Presumably your child will be in some kind of childcare while you work remotely or not? I'd really think carefully if positioning yourself as the person at home responsible for keeping everything tidy is the role you want to continue having whilst working.

Sorry you feel like shite... but I don't think you are being oversensitive. This kind of shit from men towards women after maternity leave is so common and it is insidious.

It might start out as a joke but it's made you feel like shit and like you are failing. He spoke to you like you were a child or an ineffective employee.

VivaVivaa · 28/05/2024 20:41

Well, my husband had to physically climb over mounds of playmobile that the 4 yo had been playing with by the front door today (4yo had to make do with the hallway as 1yo rampaging round the playroom). Husband was then instantly handed said 1 yo (covered in risotto) because said 4 yo had just pissed all over the bathroom floor by accident.

Happy school holidays! Send your DH round here if he wants to see a real lack of ‘tidy up time’ 🙃

confusedlots · 28/05/2024 20:45

For me, the sentiment behind the words would be what matters most.

For some couples, that might be the sort of banter they enjoy together, and it would be a bit of a joke.

But if the meaning behind it was to say that he expects you to have the house tidied for him coming home and dinner ready on the table, even if it was said in a half joking way, then that is not a relationship that has mutual respect, but that's something you'd no doubt already know.

pizzaHeart · 28/05/2024 20:47

I think you were a tiny bit over sensitive but you had reasons to be so. I would be the same (only not quiet) and by the end my DH would promise to be on tidy up duty for the next 18 years just to calm me down.

Hinkuy · 28/05/2024 20:50

Why are you going off and having a cry in private? Do you two not communicate? I would have said to him straight away "pardon? I've tidied up about 25 times today and I'm not the maid - your turn" then gone off for a nice long bath and told him to make sure dinner was on the table for me when I got back. Cheeky Fecker.

TitanicWasAGreatMovie · 28/05/2024 20:52

Does anyone remember this classic?

I see tidy up time never happened
AppropriateAdult · 28/05/2024 20:54

Out of interest, has he ever looked after your child, at home, for more than an hour or so at a time?

Jk987 · 28/05/2024 21:00

Have you checked whether you have to pay your maternity leave money back now that you've quit?

Yes I would have been upset at that comment too. It sounds passive aggressive. Not a showstopper though.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/05/2024 21:05

'I see daddy is full of critical comments today!'

Bushtika · 28/05/2024 21:14

If you are this sensitive, how will you feel about losing your self esteem by not working? How can you work from home with a baby?
It is really not a good idea and you will end up even more stressed.

WimpoleHat · 28/05/2024 21:18

TitanicWasAGreatMovie · 28/05/2024 20:52

Does anyone remember this classic?

Yes! I was thinking exactly that…..!

Cornflakes44 · 28/05/2024 21:26

TitanicWasAGreatMovie · 28/05/2024 20:52

Does anyone remember this classic?

This is brilliant

Luddite26 · 28/05/2024 21:36

It's a red flag of things to come as your self esteem plummets. Don't hide crying stand up to him and say I thought you would like to do it to your standards.
DO NOT have it all tidy and be standing in ceremony tomorrow or any day. Do not bite.

Nicole1111 · 28/05/2024 23:30

Context is everything. My partner could come in saying this and I’d know he would normally mean have you had one of those days, in a sympathising way. Other times he could be celebrating the fact I’ve not been fretting over the state of the house, as he thinks it would do me good to relax about housework. Other partners could walk in saying this though and it be an indicator of them displaying a domestically abusive behaviour where they act like the king of the castle, and have views about male and female roles in the household, or what a female should do if they aren’t contributing financially. Only you can figure out whether it was an abusive comment. If you don’t feel it was abusive then I’d recommend you seek some emotional support if you often feel like this, and it wasn’t just one of those sensitive days.

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