I see tidy up time never happened

[Peonii]

"I see tidy up time never happened"

First sentence DH said as he came through the door tonight. So upset as we did actually tidy up toys etc but one stacking toy fell over and spilled and we missed a ball in the hallway. AIBU to feel upset as we did tidy up?

He said it with a smile on his face ie. He wasn't angry or annoyed. DC is 1 and today was my last day of (extended) mat leave. Because of my separation anxiety and cost of childcare I gave in my notice so tomorrow will be my first day of unemployment (I am hoping to find a remote role). And it was my first day of my period (post baby it's been absolutely monstrous with the pain and I'm just generally exhausted).

AIBU to have been upset at DH's comment. And maybe a little cry in private too?

This, 100%. It’s no coincidence he made this comment on day one of your financial dependency on him. It’s likely more such comments will be coming, I’m afraid.

Please look to get a suitable job asap.

I better address a few points!

Cried in private because I don't like DC seeing me cry. I have had a bit of an emotional year this past year (anxiety, my grandma passing away, birth trauma etc) and I feel like I haven't been the best most positive version of myself in front of her and am really trying to keep my unhappy emotions away from DC.

I did speak to DH. He said sorry, and was genuinely sorry. He didn't mean he expected the place to be tidy or spotless and doesn't expect it. He said it was a throwaway comment and feels bad for how it.made me feel. He completely forgot it was my first day of sahp-ing tomorrow.

Someone else said how will I pay work back - I don't pay them back anything as I only got SMP!

And I wouldn't work from home with a baby! I am hoping to find something remote and part time. And hopefully keep a part time nanny (we have found someone). When I said we couldn't afford childcare it was more that we definitely can't afford a full time nanny. And I am not feeling great about any of the nurseries near us and I would perhaps feel more.confodent if DC could speak before sending her to nursery. I also appreciate this is probably some of my own anxiety though.

Also, another.PP.said how will I deal with my low self esteem without a job. I don't have low self esteem for choosing to stay at home. I'm grateful for the opportunity as it is actually making me feel so much less anxious knowing I can be there for DC.

And another/few more PPs said DH's comment was very deliberate and setting a standard. I am in charge of our joint finances and do all our banking including this past year where I've only been on SMP.

My post I think was really to truly just check if I was indeed being unreasonable given me feeling a bit all over the place lately and I think sometimes I can be too sensitive and other times not.

I would have reacted the same way at this stage.

After a while of real life getting in the way, you will probably crack and tell DH to get a grip, and cover the subject in quite a lot of detail, probably repeatedly.

By the time DC is a teenager, DH will know a lot more about when to bite his tongue and how to tidy up.

One DH grasps this, DC will also learn quite quickly and then your life will be much much easier.

It all takes time though, so starting where you are now is excellent work. Well done for making it through the day.

I'm a SAHP too, so welcome to the club - it is really quite nice.

Sorry, cross posted. You sound like a true professional. Well done.

I presume OP is one of the many people whose self-esteem is fortunately not completely dependent on her paid employment. I sometimes wonder at the people who say this kind of thing - they tend to be the same ones who would 'go mad' if they were at home full time, as if their job is their entire personality and they have no internal resources.

There's nothing diminishing about being a SAHP, and I hope you really enjoy it, OP. Glad your husband has seen the error of his ways - I can quite see how it may have been a thoughtless comment rather than anything malicious, but well done for pointing out how hurtful it was.

@AppropriateAdult
I think the OP is suggesting she get a work from home job and look after the baby at the same time. That is a recipe for a disaster. If she cannot tidy up while looking after a baby how can she work alongside a baby?

OMG - OP can tidy up! You sound like a magnified version of her husband! There was a rogue plastic ball in the hallway - is that not acceptable?

Also, I am a teacher and all these MN posts from women who intend to work from home and do childcare is one of the reasons 75% of teachers are female. 71% of NHS staff are female.
My sister who is a Headteacher in a leafy London Borough lost 50% of teaching staff last summer. This summer it looks as if could be worse. It is impossible to replace specialist teachers. More and more students are being put in the main hall whilst senior teachers cover multiple classes in there.
Teaching is in crisis and it is not just to do with pay. Labour have promised extra teachers. Goodness knows where they will find them.
Recruitment is at an all time low.
Every day, every week there are posts on MN about alternative jobs to teaching that allow work from home. The Civil Service is stopping all recruitment in some areas and demanding staff return to offices.
Every day, every week there are posts about how awful and understaffed the NHS is. There is one such thread at the moment. Again it is not just down to pay but about lack of flexibility is terms of shift work.
Mothers on here who demand the right to wfh AND care for a baby help accelerate the movement away from teaching.
Women are twice as likely to develop dementia as men. It is not just down to there being more elderly women than men.
There is so much research that shows work is good for us. I can provide lots of peer review studies.
However, I understand why some mothers want to stay home with their under fives but to get upset like the OP because she doesn't feel that her husband appreciates her being with her baby suggests that she is going to be sensitive to all references to her being home all day and not working. It is a recipe for the OP to be more stressed and upset.
A lot of people, men and women, find it hard to be the sole breadwinner.

Start as you mean to go on op. You don’t have to be worrying about him coming home and passing you on some test.
Enjoy your time at home. I was a sahm for 7 years and loved it. Don’t let this spoil a wonderful time for you and your family. Set some agreements now on who will do what and expectations.

And it isn't the fact that there was one rogue ball in the hall. It is because her husband made a joke and the OP became so upset about it that she had to come on MN for validation. That doesn't sound like someone who is comfortable about being a SAHP

Are you getting help for your anxiety? Please please do.

Hi @Bushtika I replied a few posts previous to this about some concerns you raised. I definitely do not intend to WFH AND look after DC, we hope to have a nanny in place.

And I don't have a self esteem issue with not working for now at all.

I am yes, I am having therapy sessions and working through it

Show him what it really looks like when tidy up time doesn't happen. When he walks in from work, silently hand him the baby and go out.