Older cousins being a bit unkind with younger cousins

[callthemum]

It's very possible that I'm being unreasonable here.

I'm posting here, as I know many of the women on here have way more experience at this than me and can advise how I should manage my feelings.

I have two kids, 2 and 4 and my sister has two kids 7 and 9.

The cousins generally love each other and spend a fair bit of time together.

My kids are younger and of course they annoy their older cousins.

I just find the way the older cousins speak to the younger cousins a bit unkind at times.

I don't tell the older cousins off, because I understand my kids can be annoying - even to adults- so how can you expect a child of 9 to understand that a 2 year old has a tantrum.

I do try to explain that my kids are younger and they don't understand / can't express things the same way they can, yet.

Anyway I'm struggling not to say something to the older cousins as they quite often make fun of the younger cousins or shout / get frustrated, say disrespectful stuff in my opinion. I would pick up on my kids doing it, if they had smaller cousins, but my sister never says anything.

They'll say stuff ' oh X stop being so annoying ' or they'll laugh at them for not understanding stuff.

Am I being precious or should I stick up for my kids more ?

oh X stop being so annoying

I think this is completely normal I'm afraid.

I think it's fine to say "that isn't a kind thing to say/do".

But, ultimately, you might have too high expectations of the older dc, who are still dc. Just occupy your dc away from them before they are able to disrupt them or irritate them. They aren't babysitters.

I mean what do you want them to say or do when they are annoyed or fed up of your children?

Even siblings will be like this. It sounds like they do need to be kept occupied separately sometimes.

A lot depends on what they are saying.

To you 7 and 9 seems very old, but they are still children and are still learning. Getting children of that age to be tolerant of much younger children and play with them is very hard.

In the same way that your 4 year old or 2 year old would not be interested in amusing a newborn baby for very long - they might play peekaboo for a bit but then they move on and want to play their own games.

If all they are saying is "oh X is annoying" then you are getting off fairly lightly. Your sister is probably doing a fair bit of work behind the scenes. "Yes I know you don't like your cousins, yes I know they scream a lot but please play with them for a bit and then you can have (insert bribe of choice)".

I totally understand that I can't expect them to get it. I just think they can occasionally be corrected in just the way you describe, so that they understand it's not OK to poke fun at someone weaker all the time.

Oh gosh, they're not baby sitters at all in any way.

That's not the arrangement at all.

You should correct them, if you think that’s the right thing to do

If that's the extent of the older cousins' unkindness, then I would just take it my stride.

It's fairly typical for the age difference, and the older ones are still young and say it as they see it.

They poke fun at the youngest like ' oh she's shitting her pants ' ' she smells like poo ' ' she's like an animal '...
Even though she's potty trained now. That kind of thing.

Did you grow up with older or younger cousins?

‘It’s not ok to poke fun at someone weaker all of the time.’

The cousins are 7 and 9, they aren’t going to be doing it because they see them as weaker than them! They are going to be doing it just because they are all children and don’t remember being toddlers themselves. Wait until yours are a bit older, it’s easy to judge now, but at some point the cousins will irritate your children and the shoe will be on the other foot!

Well that's not what you said in your OP. In that case, you should respond and say "no she doesn't, that's not a nice thing to say". Just say to them what you would say to your own children.

It looks like the older cousins are still too immature to spend the amount of time they are currently spending around the younger ones.

Yes correct them when they are being mean but limit the time the sets of cousins spend with each other until the older cousin is about 11/12.

They say shitting her pants?

Maybe don’t let them play together.

Yeah I was totally the butt end of everything haha. Maybe I'm finding it hard to see.

Also because my sister is so touchy. No one can say anything to her kids. She would not be ok with the same behaviour towards her kids at all.

7 year olds are obsessed with poo.

It's the age of poo jokes.

You have zero chance of stopping them commenting about poo, although feel free to try. Your sister has probably had a year or so of it now and is fed up/in despair/no longer hears it,

That's not them poking fun at little ones, that's standard 7 year old. If the 2 year old wasn't there they'd be telling poo jokes anyway.

They’re using that language at 7 and 9???
Are they feral?

I expect 7-9 year olds to be impatient of preschooler and toddlers, or be bored and walk off, but that is not in the range of normal language for Y2 and Y4 primary school children.

Fair enough, thanks for the insights.

It's fairly normal I think.

If they are being particularly unkind, you can say 'that isn't a nice thing to say' but at 7 and 9, they are children themselves and kids can be blunt.

If it helps, I was one of a large number of cousins (about 15 of us!) of varying ages. We spent quite a lot of time together as kids and had our squabbles but honestly, we worked it out ourselves. We are still close as adults - we don't see as much of each other as everyone is busy with their own lives but when we do get together, we all get on well, as do our children.

I just want to reiterate. I understand the kids behaviour. I think their mum could occasionally say something to make them understand when they've gone a bit far with it.

What do the older kids parents do when this is happening? I'd say something like, "that's very unkind. I thought you were better than that" or remind them that they used to shit their pants and were toddlers once. I'd distract the younger cousins by taking them to play or do an activity away from the older kids.

The older kids parents should be nipping this in the bud. My daughter would be in trouble if I heard her picking on other kids

I mean I’ll be a little honest here.

You can correct behaviour to an extent l, like swearing. Also if they make jokes about pooping maybe you have a hilarious story about them making poo art.

you can ignore.

You can force the children to get along..: and end up with my children’s relationship with their cousins. Zero wanted and no love lost from mine to theirs. Though mine haven’t ever been mean untill pushed too far when avoiding was seen as an issue.

Are they actually upsetting your kids?

If so then I'd expect the mum to do something, although having experienced family gatherings over many years this tends not to happen.

Mostly if people aren't happy with the way other people's kids are behaving they separate them out and distract. If you say something to your sister then the chance she will intervene is low and the chance she will be offended is high,

Btw- a very famous book series for that she is captain underpants and one of the villains is professor Poopypants.

Toilet humour is common for those ages and it's very hard to convince them not to use it!

https://captainunderpants.fandom.com/wiki/ProfessorPoopypants/Tippyy_Tinkletrousers

It does sometimes upset my older one.

When he was younger, it was even worse.

In fact after we'd spent a weekend with them, his behaviour really spiralled at nursery the next day and the nursery asked if something had gone on at home, because it was out of character.

They'd just tease him and laugh at him and not let him come into the bedroom they were in ( staying at my house at the time ). He was maybe 2 and a half then. It was really mean and the parents laughed along.

They sometimes do step in, but often laugh along to it. Especially when they were younger.

I have once said that I don't want my kids to be the but end of all the jokes, just because they're younger. Maybe I'm sensitive because that was me growing up. But I know my sister and brother and law would never stand for it, if anyone treated their kids this way. They would go nuts. So that probably plays into how I feel about it all.

I’d take some time away for everyone sake.