Older cousins being a bit unkind with younger cousins

[callthemum]

It's very possible that I'm being unreasonable here.

I'm posting here, as I know many of the women on here have way more experience at this than me and can advise how I should manage my feelings.

I have two kids, 2 and 4 and my sister has two kids 7 and 9.

The cousins generally love each other and spend a fair bit of time together.

My kids are younger and of course they annoy their older cousins.

I just find the way the older cousins speak to the younger cousins a bit unkind at times.

I don't tell the older cousins off, because I understand my kids can be annoying - even to adults- so how can you expect a child of 9 to understand that a 2 year old has a tantrum.

I do try to explain that my kids are younger and they don't understand / can't express things the same way they can, yet.

Anyway I'm struggling not to say something to the older cousins as they quite often make fun of the younger cousins or shout / get frustrated, say disrespectful stuff in my opinion. I would pick up on my kids doing it, if they had smaller cousins, but my sister never says anything.

They'll say stuff ' oh X stop being so annoying ' or they'll laugh at them for not understanding stuff.

Am I being precious or should I stick up for my kids more ?

I have the same situation but my issue is the older ones using "shut up" and also they were all in a room together and it sounded like a lot of laughing. Then a few days later my 4yr old told me that my 9yr old cousins was farting on my 2yr old.might sound funny but actually my heart kinda broke for my 2yr old :(

Yes I've heard bunch of ' shut ups ' and ' stop that ' for no reason really.

But that's kids ! They're going to do stuff like that. The parents can occasionally say that it's not nice to do that.

As for the getting farted on, that's less than ideal but if no adults present - it is what it is. Tell your kids to get out and tell and adult if something like that happens again.

The answer is for you to occupy your toddler so they aren't following the older ones around trying to go into "their" bedroom (even if it's a room in your house, it's how they will have seen it).

If you are supervising, you'll be there to nip any unkind language in the bud.

The older cousins sound like they don't have very good social skills, but that isn't your issue as long as you're supervising your dc.

Things like that would get a sharp response from me "hey I don't want to hear talk like that! so no more thank you!" Accompanied by a stern look.

Nahh I’d be telling them to pack it in and stop being so disgusting. Me and my siblings tell each others kids off if it’s needed.

Yes they’ll bicker and stuff but what I’ve just quoted there, isn’t that.

Be understanding and not call them annoying to their face?

9 year olds are plenty old enough to either move away from the toddlers/preschoolers, or to ask their parents to help create space.

People have such low expectations of children these days.

OP - I would definitely address it, something like "cousins, I know it's hard being around young children but it's hard for them too, they'll be finding lots of your activities boring too. Let's be kind to younger children. If you need to take space away, that's fine, but I don't want to here you laughing at them or calling them annoying again please".

Do the 7 year old and 9 year old actually say "shitting her pants"? If so that needs to be stopped no matter who it is said to.

Leaving that aside, I think there needs to be some balance here. Your littlies clearly annoy them after a while and it's your job to be sensitive to that and remove your littlies before the older cousins get too annoyed. Saying "you're annoying" or not letting the littlies in the bedroom is fair enough and you need to take that as your cue that you should have removed them slightly earlier.

Poo jokes are the norm for that age group but if comments are nasty/mocking then I'd gently pull them up on it by saying "that's not very nice. Please don't say that".

Absolutely that's awful, no 9yr old should be farting on a toddler, that's disgusting behaviour and really taking advantage of their advantageous position in the pecking order. I would be having words next time you see them, ask if it's true, and if so, you don't want it to happen again or you'll have to tell their parents. That at their age, you expect them to be kind to little ones.

The older kids don't sound very nice tbh. Are they boys? Just wondering as I have the 2 older children and my sister the 2 younger and are similar ages to yours. I have 2 girls and they wouldn't make fun and say the mean things to their cousins or fart on them.
My eldest who is 9 is really good with my sister's 2 year old and will play with her and help her. She does get a bit fed up after a while or finds it's too noisy but she will usually just try and go do something on her own for a bit or sit with me.
Although my sister can sometimes expect too much from my children and tell them to calm down or stop doing something as hers are more hyper and can easily get carried away and are more likely to fall over when they are running about. Which does annoy me a bit as it's not fair to stop my children from playing normally. Or she asks mine to give toys or whatever it is to hers when they have a tantrum. Don't think that is the case in your situation but I know some pp have said they are still kids and don't expect too much from them. As I feel my sister expects mine to be much more sensible and grown up as they are a bit older than hers.

It would be convenient if they could all get along and play together but the fact is, they can't and that's because of the age difference. Doesn't matter if they are related or not, older children find smaller ones irritating.

It's funny because they always want to see them and initiate contact a lot. So they do want to see them.

I wouldn’t have let any child speak to mine like that, and certainly not his cousins. I’m with you entirely. That’s not fun at all.

I have once said that I don't want my kids to be the but end of all the jokes, just because they're younger. Maybe I'm sensitive because that was me growing up.

That was me growing up too OP. I don't have much contact with my older DB now and he still thinks he is better than me and that I need to do what he wants.

It sounds like your DSis is the same, not putting up with crap towards her kids but seeing no issue with how her DC treat yours.

You should trust your gut on this one. You can see the dynamic, you know their personalities. You don't need to be subservient to your sister now just because you were as a child.

I’d definitely say something but I’d word it positively.

Things like, ‘You're usually a very kind person so please be kind to DC. Say nice things to them, as you usually do. That would stop them getting upset.

Include some examples of when you’ve heard them being kind and thoughtful, even if it was to a different person.

Praise them if you hear them behaving in the way you’d like.

You might have to do it through gritted teeth but it should help and won’t upset their mother.

Do they actually swear? Or did you make that bit up? Because I wouldn’t want my young children to be around older kids swearing and thinking that’s normal. It’s not normal.

As for the rest I have kids around the older age and they have cousins around your kids age. They do get annoyed by them, they are kind and patient to a point but then they get fed up and have had enough and they might say or do something mean. I think if you’re having to spend so much time with someone else’s kids you need to be able to correct them.
I understand your frustration though. My sister would never tolerate me correcting her kids even though her youngest bites, pinches and pulls hair and never gets told off for it. I just significantly limit the time we spend with them

Of course I didn't make anything up.
They said it and were corrected for saying the word shit.

They always want to see their cousins, so they must enjoy it. Or maybe that's what kids do ? We don't initiate it.

We also don't just leave the kids to play alone or anything like that. My kids are young and always want me to be there anyway and wouldn't just go off with their cousins.

Nothing is forced on the older cousins. They always want to meet up and do stuff together.

It's just the dynamic that can be off. I'll just take them a bit less, for my children's sake.

Some very odd replies OP. The older children sound entitled and very poor behaviour. Their parents should be telling them to behave. I’d be spending less time with them.

Thanks for this. This is the exact dynamic and I'm not willing to let my kids be treated this way by anyone.

I don't speak up because I don't want to rock the relationship but I do need to advocate for my kids.

My sister goes crazy if anyone even looks in the wrong direction towards her kids. She's a total mother bear. They can do no wrong.

She has no issue raising her voice to my two year old though, of course. If I did the same, she'd murder me !

Well this is madness. If you cannt bring yourself to tell them off stop spending time with them.

I see my niblings all the time and they get on very well with my 2 but I tell them off if I need to, and I expect the same from my siblings.

I also would not be spending time with a 7 and 9 year old who know and use swear words. Pretty shocking to me. My eldest nephew is 11 and I have never once heard him swear (I'm sure he does but certainly not in our or his parents presence)

Sounds a bit like bullying really.

She should probably stop being mama bear enough to stop her nine year old using the word shit to small children.

My 15yo now swears like a trooper but he wouldn’t have aged 9!

What would dsis response be if you said to cousins something simple and breezy like 'ah that's unkind' or just 'kind words please' everytime one of them says something that's not nice. If dsis is happy to have a go at your dcs then surely she has to accept something said to hers when they're being unkind. Maybe have a break on the catch ups for a while, if dsis asks then you'll have to be honest, thats the only way things will change. You have to stick up for your dcs.