Parent doesn’t want medical tests - do you expect wishes

[Parentworry]

My dm is 76 years old. She has never accepted invitations for mammograms, poo tests, never visits opticians etc. I think she finds it difficult to go through with appointments and has always had a massive anxiety. I posted before that she had a blood transfusion in 1976. I think she should have a hep c test.I have tried to gently talk to her about it but I don’t think she can face it. Sometimes I think her eyes look a little yellow but she has had elevated bilirubin for 25 years but I we presumed it was Gilbert’s. Does anyone else have parents like this? Do you respect their wishes or do you become forceful in making medical appointments? I have massive anxiety right now as my husband and dad have cancer. I feel so responsible for everyone.

It is up to her, don't harass her about it - which is how I would interpret your "talking gently"

Up to your dm entirely assuming she is mentally fit.

As frustrating as it is I think you have to accept her right to decline any tests or treatment. It sounds as though she is very anxious about medical care and procedures. I understand completely why you feel concerned but it’s her choice

As long as she still has capacity then she can do as she likes and it’s not your responsibility. If she doesn’t, and you now have POA, then I would continue in line with her wishes given that it’s a long held stance she has had.

If she has spent 50 years with hepatitis c then the damage has been done. Blood tests might confirm this but other than advising any medical staff to treat her as if she does have it (which they should anyway), it won’t do anything else.

Well you can't force her, and nor should you try. I'd raise the concerns once, tell her you're happy to make the appointment and go with her, and that even if she says no now she can let you know at any time if she changes her mind. And then I'd leave it.

You absolutely do not try to coerce anyone to have tests or treatment they don’t want.

You respect their wishes. Once you hit 75 any and all health concerns are more likely as is, declining cognition and even passing away in your sleep. If she doesn't feel comfortable with what she views as invasive tests then that's ok. What you could do is invite her along to keep you company when you get called up for tests to model that it is entirely normal rather than try and force her to have them done.

Your husband, dad and mum are all adults able to make their own decisions, you are not responsible for them.

It's entirely up to her if she has capacity.

I also refuse screening tests and appointments, and I would not accept anyone trying to bully me in to them.

She is NOT your responsibility. Focus your energy on your husband and father and leave her to her own choices and any consequences thereof.

She's an adult and she can make her decisions for herself.
If I were you op I think I would have a Frank conversation with her to make sure she understands the possible consequences that SHE might suffer due to her refusal to have tests.

At her age I don’t blame her, there probably isn’t a whole lot to be gained from having the tests.

the more you push the more likely she is to not have them anyway!

You absolutely respect a person's wishes. There are some tests I choose not to have. I am fully aware of the risks, but it is my considered choice. If anyone tried to "persuade" me, I would be f*ing furious!

My dad recently made it very clear that he no longer consents to any kind of medical test or intervention, with the exception of pain relief if he needs it. That is his right and we have assured him that it will be respected. You need to do the same, OP.

Op would you be able to examine your thought processes to try and see why it is that you feel responsible for everyone?

At 76 I would give anyone telling me what to do short shrift. I think there's a wisdom in favouring ignorance over exploration of illness once you've made peace with old age.

Do you respect their wishes or do you become forceful in making medical appointments?

In what way forceful? If someone won't do it, you can't force them at all.

She's made it to 76 without any testing, yes it's pure luck but what on earth could you possibly hope to gain at this point in her life by getting tests done?

You can't force her, and at her age there probably isn't much point. I understand why you struggle with it though, it would drive me nuts.

Sorry about your DH and Dad being ill too.

If she doesn’t, and you now have POA, then I would continue in line with her wishes given that it’s a long held stance she has had. It's the duty of the attorney to advocate for the wishes of the donor at the time they had capacity. There is no choice in the matter.

@beergiggles im not sure why but I have always been like this. I think there were times when I was a teen when my mum’s anxiety would be so extreme that she would have breakdowns. My dad was useless so I would have up coax my mum to see a dr or phone to get advice and the lines of responsibility got blurred. I can remember on one occasion my mum couldn’t face calling to get results of blood tests so I had to impersonate her on the phone to the GP receptionist to get the results.

OP, it sounds as if you were recruited to be responsible for your mum when you were in your teens.
She may not have done this deliberately and maliciously but even so it was inappropriate and you weren't able to properly understand that at that age.
It might be that if you can examine your thoughts and feelings some more, work out what isn't & isn't appropriate etc that might help you to let go of some of your anxiety?

(I'm not trying to say that it's a simple matter Iof deciding not to be anxious though, I do realize that anxiety can be a very difficult thing to do with)

You sound a lovely daughter and I can understand why you would prefer her to have tests. I hope she lives for many many more years.

Maybe you should try and focus on the here and now with her spending good times together laughing having fun. At the end with one of my parents i was so scared of losing them that I forgot to enjoy just being with them.

OP - is once factor here that she might have been infected as part of the blood scandal and so might be entitled to compensation if she does have Hepatitis C or similar? I'm not sure of the exact dates of when that started but there would be charities who could help you work that out.

I think some people, on attaining a certain age just don't want to go through tests, potential surgeries etc.
If your mum was 50 I would be trying to gently persuade her, but at 76 perhaps she just wants to live the rest of her life naturally, however long or short x

You have to respect her wishes.

My mum is undergoing treatment for cancer and they have suggested testing for something unrelated. She is not interested. She has quite enough prodding and poking going on at the moment. I absolutely respect that.

While I absolutely understand and respect personal autonomy in making decisions about health care, I can understand how lines get blurred where adult offspring end up providing care (emotional or physical). When a parent complains of pain/difficulty and needs your help with daily life, it is enormously frustrating if they won't take actions that seem reasonable or sensible to help themselves.