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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep my DD in all summer

37 replies

fiskalulu · 27/05/2024 19:44

I live on a big gated housing development with a central green space that all the kids play out on.

One of the kids (the oldest aged 9) has started excluding and bullying my DD.

I've spoken to her parents and they are sympathetic and have tried to intervene but don't supervise and therefore don't stop it. I go out with dd and call out any obvious unfairness but to be honest it doesn't help and could be making things worse.

DD is really, really upset.

What do I do? On the rare occasions this kid isn't around the others all play with DD and it's great - like in the past.

Do I just let her out if this kid isn't there?

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 27/05/2024 22:32

Go out with her and give the kid a stern warning that they'd better not be nasty to your DD. I'd sit out with a book and keep an eye on them. Your DD shouldn't be kept in because of one nasty kid. You need to be persistent and tell his/her parents that they have to step in and stop it!

Original poster
fiskalulu · 28/05/2024 09:24

I'll talk to the parents again. I do go out with her and have had a stern word on a couple of occasions but I think it makes the bullying child more hostile.

I feel so anxious and upset -
Especially as we have the whole summer ahead of us with this.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 28/05/2024 09:26

Each and every time there is an incident, go to the parents’ house and talk to them about it. Hopefully, eventually, they will be fed up enough of this that they will do something.

fieldsofbutterflies · 28/05/2024 09:28

How old is your DD?

CucumberBagel · 28/05/2024 09:28

I'd take a water spray bottle out there and spray the kid each time 😂

Beautifulbythebay · 28/05/2024 09:30

Just invite specific dc into your garden. My ds 9 won't be out alone unsupervised.. He won't be deprived.

Original poster
fiskalulu · 28/05/2024 10:03

She's 7

OP posts:
redskydarknight · 28/05/2024 10:07

If you're going out with DD anyway and none of the other children are playing with her, then why not just take her somewhere else to play?

It will probably blow over in a few weeks anyway.

Original poster
fiskalulu · 28/05/2024 10:21

I do take her to the park but she really wants to play with her usual friends.

I hope it will blow over. It's been really upsetting.

OP posts:
LoveSkaMusic · 28/05/2024 10:28

Take the other friends to the park with you and organise the other friends to come round to yours and do stuff. Take them all swimming, or to the beach or something?

It doesn't have to be to the point where the other child is completely left out, but it probably would be good to foster closer relationships with the nice friends!

daysonmybicycle · 28/05/2024 10:32

I don’t think a seven year old should be playing unsupervised to be honest (I mean in places like the street or open areas - garden or whatever is clearly fine.) It is precisely for this reason: that children can’t navigate these sorts of social situations themselves.

PaminaMozart · 28/05/2024 10:33

Is your daughter the only child this boy bullies?

What does the bullying consist of?

How do the other children react when she is being bullied?

CountingCrones · 28/05/2024 10:34

PaminaMozart · 28/05/2024 10:33

Is your daughter the only child this boy bullies?

What does the bullying consist of?

How do the other children react when she is being bullied?

It’s a 9yo girl bullying her.

Original poster
fiskalulu · 28/05/2024 10:35

It's all subtle. Exclusion. The others kids are a bit scared of ringleader.

The green is encircled by our houses, in a gated development.

OP posts:
GreenPhlem · 28/05/2024 10:39

Send your DD out to play and literally EVERYTIME this kid starts go and tell the parents. everytime. Hopefully they’ll get fed up of it and keep their kid in instead. Don’t punish the victim.

GreenPhlem · 28/05/2024 10:40

CucumberBagel · 28/05/2024 09:28

I'd take a water spray bottle out there and spray the kid each time 😂

😂😂

Dweetfidilove · 28/05/2024 11:16

CucumberBagel · 28/05/2024 09:28

I'd take a water spray bottle out there and spray the kid each time 😂

😂😂😂😂

stressedespresso · 28/05/2024 11:23

OP you have a little girl, not a dog. No you cannot keep her in all summer - that is ridiculous and will only appease the bullies further

Stompythedinosaur · 28/05/2024 11:33

I'd up your number of invites to dc from her friendship to do activities - go to the park, do some baking etc. Hopefully it will strengthen relationships to decrease the chance of exclusion.

Also you can practice some things to do if she's being excluded - my dc used to walk away and find something else to do.

LeopardsRockingham · 28/05/2024 11:34

We have a similar set up here.
Unfortunately in our experience it was the children where the parents were too involved who got picked on the most. As the kids knew the Mums were going to be annoyed and back up the antics of the child, regardless of whether it was their fault or not (not as in the case if your DD)

I would maybe give your DD a nice chat in how to not engage with the girl who is picking on her, and soon the other children will pick up on her nasty behaviour and their little eyes will see they wouldn't want to be treated like that and will side with your daughter over the bully.

On MN it goes from threads on how we can't let children out until they are teens to omg young people can't cope.

When we were all children we learnt lessons playing out, and someone of us are still lucky enough to live in an environment where this is safe. Let her go and develop her own coping skills, knowing you are there to help behind closed doors. But let the kids sort out their own relationships, nasty children never come out of top...especially at this age.

ManilowBarry · 28/05/2024 11:38
%3D%3D
wheretoyougonow · 28/05/2024 11:40

Do you have a garden? If so maybe invite some of the nicer children to come over to use a paddling pool etc. it will encourage a stronger bond with them.

TheTartfulLodger · 28/05/2024 11:42

Could it help to go backwards and find out where this actually started if they all got along ok before? When was the first incident? What was it about?

MojoMoon · 28/05/2024 11:47

Ask parents of two of the other kids if they would like you to take them out to the park, petting farm, excellent playground?
Invite the other kids round to your house for some sort of exciting activity - cake decoration, computer games, karaoke, whatever they might enjoy. It won't be the weather to play out all the time - get them round when it's raining.

Ultimately, if kids are playing for unsupervised, then they also need to find ways to deal with each other themselves. If you can help her build bonds with other kids and then talk through some other resilience strategies that she can use with the unpleasant child (eg responding calmly, holding her ground confidently) then she has a better set of tools to deal with the situation and all the other situations in the future when someone is unpleasant or over bearing. Good life skills to have.

Over supervising and repeatedly involving the other parents is only a short term fix.

Lindy2 · 28/05/2024 12:03

Organise some fun things for your DD. She's only 7.

Do you have a garden? Set up a pool, outdoor games, ice creams etc. Invite a couple of nice kids over and let them have a better fun time than hanging around on a green being left to entertain themselves unsupervised.

Sort out a few trips to places like the beach, a park etc.

Work on helping her form some friendships away from the bullying.