help. Feel like I'm in love with DHs best friend

[giip]

Aibu to ask what the fuck I should do.

I work with DHs best friend in the same office. However about a year ago as got put onto the same team and now work closely together all day every day.

For the past 6 months or so I've realised that I feel quite inappropriately about him. We get on well, talk all the time at work, laugh etc.. there is no flirting obviously.

I wouldn't act on this ever and I don't want to feel this either.

But what the fuck do I do? I work with this guy every single day and he is my husbands childhood best friend for goodness sake. I find myself in the mornings making more effort to look nice for work and I try and tell myself it's not because of him but I know that it is.

What do I do. Has anyone experienced anything similar and have these feelings stopped?

I love DH and am happy with him. These feelings have blind sided me.

Having crushes on someone who isn't your partner is incredibly normal. I doubt there are many marriages where neither party has ever had a small crush on someone else.

The reason it's her DH's mate is just because of the proximity. She sees him at work - dressed nicely, on his best behaviour. It'll pass, as crushes do. The main thing is not to act on it, not even flirting.

If it doesn't pass, she might want to consider leaving her job, but taking drastic action over something that is almost certain to be temporary would be madness.

Any chance of moving teams?

Ok, very happy to stand corrected! As I say, I can’t imagine that happening in my life and me thinking it’s normal but I’m well aware I could be the unusual one!

I think it's pretty normal you've got a crush, if he's best mates with your DH then they're likely pretty similar. It doesn't mean the mate is better, he's just still shiny in a way a long term partner never will be. It doesnt have to mean anything.

It's a crush, he's familiar and possibly safe. Seeing him differently now maybe.

Any problems or boredom with your home life? Concentrate on that safe in the knowledge he likely leaves slikkies in his pants 😂

Fwiw, I always get crushes on some people I work with. I’m bisexual, so it’s women as well. I think it’s normal. It passes.

It's a crush, a strong one, and potentially limerance.

You just need to let yourself accept that you fancy him and acknowledge that you might be projecting or exaggerating good qualities on to him. As long as you don't act upon it or behave inappropriately in any way it's ok to have an intense crush.

My experience is that they go away in time and it's like snapping out of it. If you find your mind wandering imagining frolocking along a beach with him or in a romantic restaurant or whatever, remind yourself that you don't know him in that way and your brain is filling in the gaps of what you don't know (for example what conversation would be like over dinner) to make him the perfect man. It does do that! I read somewhere recently that if your brain is low in serotonin you can create these scenarios or fantasies in your head over a man in order to get a serotonin release.

Keep it to yourself and ride it out. Remind yourself often that it is a crush and that you are likely building him up to be better than he actually is. Also you could try to see things you dont like about him to try to bring you back to reality?

I agree with all of those people saying it’s a harmless crush (as long as you don’t act on anything) - I think it’s less about it being your husband’s best friend and more about it being proximity and a colleague. I think it’s something vaguely new and exciting but safe & familiar to let your mind wander to.

Out of curiosity is this colleague/DH’s friend married and do you think he has a crush on you? If he’s single & the answer is yes then I think this also plays in to it.

Can you work from home??

Also, go into work looking like a dogs dinner. Ime, part of what feeds the crush is feeling attractive (potentially) to them, so make sure you look as close to death warmed up as you dare. This one works.

It actually makes more sense to me that she would crush on someone close to her DH. OP loves her husband, and this man must be quite like him to have been friends so long. Because he's close, she also knows him personally - knows that he's safe, nice, and whatever other attributes he has. When I first met DH's cousin, I was I was surprised (and worried) by how attracted to him I felt.. until later looking at a photo I realised he looks really similar to DH, and shares many of his mannerisms (except younger and more in shape). So actually someone closer might well be a sign that she's really into her husband.

OP, I don't have much advice. I did leave a job where I had a crush on a colleague, and it stopped pretty soon after. I felt confident I wouldn't cross any lines but honestly I got sick of feeling like that, I just wanted to get to work and crack on without worrying that he would do something unbearably erotic (like er... chew on a pen?) in a meeting I was supposed to be paying attention to.

You’ve got a crush .. it will wear off. I had a massive crush on a guy I worked with, I thought about him all the time - then I saw him with a massive cold sore .. crush gone !

100% this. I am kind of prone to crushes, I get one every few years. They always pass and once they end I am amazed I ever fancied the person. As pp have said its a proximity crush. Life gets a bit boring when you've been with the same person for ages and have young kids. I really disagree that you need to leave your job or do anything drastic. It will fade if you just don't indulge it, just let it be there and pass away on its own

You say you’ve not done anything, but you’ve declared yourself in love with him and say you dress up for him going to work.

that’s not nothing op. How do you think your husband would feel knowing you’re in love with his best friend and to such an extent you dress up and are on line telling millions of people you’re in love with him.

I don’t understand most of the posts on this thread.

it’s a crush. It will pass. You’re not going to act on it so what’s the issue? You sound very sensible so just relax and wait.

I think leaving your job would be a huge overreaction and might make you feel resentful.

Honestly folks calling it a crush, it’s so teenage.

This. You need to have more dates, intimacy and sex with your husband to bond you to him and eliminate these feelings.

Ending the marriage over this is like ordering a nuclear strike on a jam jar because you can’t get the lid off.

Ridiculous advice.

Crushes are a bit of fun and pass eventually, no need to quit your job and get a divorce although that comment really made me laugh. Imo being in close proximity makes them go away sooner, there's less mystique!

Maybe you're just feeling things are a little stale with your day to day, I agree more date nights with dh is a good idea.

This^
you are a bit bored, probably tired at home. It is about the grass being greener…

I'm in my 50s, in a 30 year marriage and have had several strong crushes over the years.

Recognise them for what they are. Don't act on them. If you're not attracted to attractive people, you're probably dead inside. But you made a vow to your husband to be with him and him only. It's pretty simple, really.

The other thing is aside from the smartly dressed, best behaviour part is that you know he's a nice guy, he's just like your DH.

It's new. It's unknown. It's forbidden. It will totally pass.

Don't leave your job. That's ridiculous

Bearing in mind that I have been known to impale a particularly obstinate lid of sliced gherkins with a massive pointy kitchen knife to get to the bastarding things after all other techniques have failed, I certainly wouldn't recommend adopting this technique for a dose of hormones going astray.

Seriously, OP, get over yourself. You're his best mate's wife. Stop it. If he were interested, he'd be an utter prick and if he isn't, well, you're making a complete fucking idiot of yourself for the sake of a few hormones bouncing around.

Huh? Why on earth should she leave her husband?!

I think you protest a little too much. This is about the third post where you can’t imagine it happening in your life. If you have ever had a crush, which I assume you have please don’t overreact to it. The op has a crush which is a little too close to home I agree. But they usually calm down.

I can’t imagine feeling this way about anybody outside of my relationship

You must be very young.

No tips OP. All the best.