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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel awkward when my parents tell my children they love them

45 replies

Thischr6 · 27/05/2024 14:52

When I was growing up my parents never said love you, or told me they loved me.

They also never hugged me either. We hug once a year at Christmas and it feels so incredibly awkward, we have an otherwise really good relationship.

I have 2 kids and my parents especially my mum will always say love you to the children when they are saying goodbye and always showering with affection (OTT in my opinion). Although this is nice for the kids I find it so awkward as they never acted this way towards me when I was younger.

AIBU?

I’m the total opposite as my parents when it comes to my own children by the way. Ever since they were born I always tell them I love them (without feeling awkward) and always give them lots of hugs/affection.

OP posts:

Flavabobble · 27/05/2024 17:51

YourPinkDog · 27/05/2024 16:09

I am not talking about Victorian times at all. Maybe it is also partially class based? But in the eighties many/most working class parents were not hugging older children and telling them they loved them. It was in the nineties it began to change. But even then some parents take longer to change their ways and are more traditional.

I clearly remember being hugged by my parents beyond childhood. This would have been 80s/90s.

StellaAndCrow · 27/05/2024 17:56

Maybe they've learned from you?

My parents never used to hug/say I love you, when we were children or adults. I then had a partner whose family were very emotionally demonstrative, and would always initiate hugs/love yous. Since then my parents seem to have picked it up and have started doing it too!

Maybe your parents have done similar, seen how you do it and started doing the same?

Bluesuitredtie · 27/05/2024 19:34

I experienced exactly the same OP. When my DC were little I think they naturally said Love you Nanny because I told them I loved them and they leant to be warm and caring. I taught them this because I wanted my DC to know I loved them, and they in turn taught my parents.

my parents parents were born in the early part of the 1900’s not far off Victorian times, my grandfather never met my mother until she was almost five as she was born during WW2. Outward displays of emotion just weren’t considered OK.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t love you, it’s because they’ve not been taught to tell you. My mum still finds it hard, she says it’s just not something she’s ever done but she’s getting there.

Arafina · 27/05/2024 19:38

I'm quite saddened and shocked at how many people were brought up never being hugged or told I love you. I was born in the sixties to very working class parents, my immediate and extended family have always been huggy and still are, I think as far as I remember most of my friends had a similar upbringing,my own children are the same with their children. I was brought up in Scotland, maybe it's cultural although my English friends seem quite happy when I give them a hug, well I hope so anyway lol

Original poster

Thischr6 · 27/05/2024 19:50

Interesting to hear different points of view.

Im early thirties and parents are early fifties so not as if they are ancient! My mum has lost both of her parents but growing up I remember her hugging whenever she saw them and they would say love you to eachother. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but as I’ve gotten older I wonder why not me?

Again I have bigger issues in life to worry about! This has just been a thought at the back of my mind for a while.

OP posts:

McMcMc · 27/05/2024 19:59

My parents never hugged me or told me they loved me either. I was always wary of my mum and her mother was horrid. Very religious & prim and proper. We were seen and not heard. My dad's parents however always hugged us, kissed us goodbye etc. I am very huggy and kiss my dc and tell them I love them everyday in turn my dc are very tactile and say they love them when they leave my parents who now hug them / say love you. Like OP I find this very awkward and I can't bear my parents now trying to hug me.. I'm 50, they're in their 70's. I feel the time for them to hug me etc has long gone.

pinkfondu · 27/05/2024 20:05

I know my dad found grandchildren a second chance....

whatageareyou · 27/05/2024 20:06

DH's dad does this too. It's regret, he's told me. He wishes he had done differently with DH (he's very stoic but in moments I can see how much he loves DH) but it feels too hard to change their behaviour patterns now. It's easier to restart with DS

Mostlycarbon · 27/05/2024 20:16

I can see why this would be triggering for you, but I think you just have to focus on the positive that your children are deeply loved by lots of people.

WildAndFree123 · 27/05/2024 20:19

My mother is exactly the same. So affectionate with my nephew in a way she never was with us. I don’t ever remember hearing ‘I love you’ and I remember hugging her after my dad died and she didn’t even put her arms round me in return. I guess it’s generational?

PaintedPottery · 27/05/2024 20:19

My child says ‘love you’ to my mum and you can sense how uncomfortable it makes her. My parents never said it to us or hugged us, whereas we say it frequently and hug lots.

AnnieSF · 27/05/2024 20:30

@saveforthat as someone else said everyone is different. I am in my late 60s and never recall being told by my parents that they loved me. I well imagine that my parents were also never told that they were loved by parents. It was the time and it was the place. Things are different now. I'm not talking Victorian times . 🙄

dcbgr · 27/05/2024 20:34

My parents never hugged or said ILY but we knew they did. My close school and uni friends never did either and when I came back after 3 years in a Francophone country and automatically started with hugs and cheek kisses the first friend I tried it on recoiled in horror. I think she was waiting for me to announce my exit from the closet. Different days, different countries, different classes, different habits :)

WayOutOfLine · 27/05/2024 20:37

My parents didn't tell me they loved me either when I was a child, which was in the 70's, and neither did my grandparents, it wasn't the thing that was said. All this gushy huggy lovey stuff came later on- and mine have adopted it wholesale. I'm all for it, I love hugging my kids and telling them that I love them, but it is a huge difference to the past so I think it would be fine to say 'hey, you never said that to me!' and chat about it, but I don't see why they shouldn't adopt newer ways, lovely for your kids.

WayOutOfLine · 27/05/2024 20:38

I also hug my friends now, never would have done that in my twenties unless drunk. We are so much more a huggy society, I like it but I can see if you don't like being hugged it must be quite stressful.

Boiledeggsandsoldiers · 27/05/2024 20:51

I think YAB very U indeed tbh!

Your parents have moved with the times! They’ve adapted! Would you prefer them to be stuck in the past with your dc too?

I am in my sixties. My late father was born in the middle of the First World War. No one said “I love you” to their children then! My mother was 10 years younger than my father and she was raised in quite a harsh Irish Catholic family of nine children. No one said “I love you” to her when she was young. So I was brought up not experiencing it either.

I feel a bit awkward but I have tried to adapt with the times. I always say “ILY” when I speak to my adult dc now. Give your parents a break! Be thankful you have parents who want to be involved with your dc!

Sorry op but there may be things that you do, or do not do now, that your dc will be unhappy with, so always best to take a forgiving route if you can, unless there is some sort of back story here.

time2changeCharlieBrown · 27/05/2024 20:54

Same!! My parents never hugged or said love you at all!
they do to my dc it’s so strange but I think times have changed
it doesn’t make me feel awkward I’ve not really thought about it

SchoolQuestionnaire · 27/05/2024 20:54

My dm never told me she loved me. She wasn’t told either and I don’t think she knew how. She wasn’t raised in a loving, nurturing home and was pretty much self-reliant as a child along with her siblings. I used to get quite upset when I was younger as I thought it meant that she didn’t love me, but when I had my own kids I realised that she showed me she did all the time.

When we were leaving after a visit she always used to tell me to go and run the car while she watched the kids so that It was warm when they got in - she used to do this for us when we were small but I’d forgotten. I refused a cuppa once when I was pregnant due to the caffeine and every time I visited after that she had decaf in, just so I wouldn’t go without - this continued for 17 years! If I ever mentioned in passing that I needed something - socks, moisturiser, peanut butter, whatever - my dm would pick it up for me to save me the trouble.

I tell my dc that I love them regularly which meant they said it a lot to my dm and it was quite nice to see her telling them that she loved them. She still never really said it to me or my siblings but I know that she did which is all that matters.

Surroundedbyfools · 27/05/2024 20:57

I suppose due to them not telling you or being affectionate to you growing up it’s probably very jarring to see them behave that way with your kids. Personally I like it when my children’s grandparents, aunties, uncles etc tell my children they love him them and show them affection as I think children can’t be spoilt by too much love !

Edenmum2 · 27/05/2024 21:38

I could have written this. I have nothing against my parents, they are incredibly supportive and they adore my DD and we see them all the time. But it always smarts a little when they say 'love you!' to her every time we go ....the only time I ever remember my mum saying it to me was when my grandma died. I don't remember Dad ever saying it. I do hug them more than at Christmas but not loads.

It's weird, I love their relationship with her and I would have loved to experience it myself. Maybe people just change and soften. (I too am super affectionate with my DD and tell her I love her constantly)

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